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Thursday, August 3, 2006

Some Big Damn Apologies





John: I'm sorry that after you stopped working for me when your prospective new employer called me to ask for a reference, I said "Ficus". Even though I knew he wanted a job reference, I thought an obscure reference would be funnier. Mea Culpa.

Tom: About that one night...I was pretty drunk and I didn't realize that was your wife. For what it's worth, she's very good. You are a very lucky man. I'm sorry.

Abram: In retrospect, I guess "Jewboy" wasn't the most affectionate nickname. I'm also sorry about the time you invited me to attend the synagogue to learn about your culture and I arrived wearing a propeller beanie and called it my Yabba-Dabba-Yarmulke. That was rude. I apologize.

The Pizza Guy: I'm sorry that I punched you out and then peed on your unconscious head. I actually did have the money for the pizza. For some reason I just thought the peeing thing would be funnier. I'm also sorry for putting pictures of that incident up on the internet. I didn't expect them to spread that quickly. Apologies.

The Members Of My Old Gym: I'm sorry I kept peeing in the pool. That was wrong.

To The Pope: I'm sorry about...well, I'm sure you remember. Please let me reimburse you for the cleaning bill. Sorry.

Ryan: I'm sorry that for three years I slowly starting driving you insane by having everyone in the office speak backwards when you were around. For what it's worth, it was pretty funny. At least to us. But that isn't a good excuse. Even though it was funny. I'm sorry.

Lorraine: I'm sorry that our marriage was so rough. I'm also sorry you are still such a raging bitch. OK...I'm sorry I just said that. Sorry.

Mom and Dad: I'm sorry I got drunk and wrecked your car when I was twelve. I am further sorry that I framed the old lady next door who was suffering from Alzheimer's. That wasn't nice of me. My sincerest apologies.

The Old Lady With Alzheimer's: Please see above. If you remember. Ha! Just kidding. Sorry.

Tim: I'm sorry that I replaced your medication with Skittles. I can't help but feel a little responsible for the coma you have been in for the past eight years. My bad.

Some More Apologies

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