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Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Finland: A Review

In our ongoing attempt to educate and entertain, we bring you another article about a country we know absolutely nothing about: Finland. Much like our earlier reviews of Sweden and Norway, Finland is a Nordic country.

As with the previously mentioned Nordic reviews, we know absolutely nothing about Finland. The following is some shit we made up.

Finland was initially settled around 8500 BC by itinerant hunter-gatherer types. While archeological evidence supports this, it is still unclear why anyone would choose to live somewhere so far north where it is cold as balls.

As the Stone Age led to the Bronze Age and the Iron Age, the people of Finland spread themselves further around the area. Not literally spread themselves as individuals, but as a group. It is very difficult for an individual to spread him/herself over a vast area...unless that person is a shape shifter. There is no conclusive evidence to support claims that Finnish people are, in fact, shape shifters...although we are going to go ahead and claim that they are. Finnish people are shape shifters. Seriously.

Finnish people can eat five times their own body weight in a matter of minutes. This is due to their ability to dislocate their jaws to take in larger amounts of food in a sitting. Additionally, they don't swallow, but merely ingest things whole. Consequently, the inability of the Finnish women (and men) to swallow has made many a Finnish man sad.

Due to the rigors of shape shifting, the average Finnish person sheds his/her skin three times a year. As it is quite cold in Finland, large bulky sweaters are used to protect the body while skinless. It can take 3-5 business days for a new skin to regrow. Discarded skins are often shipped to third world countries for sweat shop use in making sports equipment like footballs and whatever-the-hell you call the ball used in Rugby.

Finnish people have compound eyes which allow them to see in 132 directions at once. This can cause extremely painful headaches which is the reason why Extra-Strength Migraine medication is used in abundance by the Finnish. Seriously. It's like Skittles or something to those Finnish people.

People in Finland are often born with prehensile tails and a propensity for eating children. As this is frowned upon in Finnish society, the tails are usually surgically removed at birth which seems to lessen the desire to consume children. Scientists still aren't sure why this happens.

Finland can be divided into six distinct provinces. Actually, with a little creative thinking, it could be divided into at least 33, by our reckoning. The Finnish shape shifters, however, don't appear to be that inventive with their topography. The six provinces each have their own names to differentiate them from each other. We don't know what they are.

Joulupukki is the name of Santa Claus in Finland. This has been the source of much laughter and amusement by those who reside outside of Finland. Mainly, because the name is silly looking, but also because it looks like it should be the name of a drinking game. Ironically enough, (and by "ironically enough" we mean "we are going to make something up and pretend it is fact") Joulupukki is also the name of the most popular drinking game in Finland.

Joulupukki has very few rules, but those rules are strictly enforced. Any player who breaks the rules is slapped in the testicles with a croquet mallet (this game is only played by males). Additionally, five breaches of the rules is punished by the guilty party being forced to lick a cow's ass for three minutes. Hilarity ensues.

Play is begun when one person calls another via their Nokia phone (which are issued to all Finnish people at birth) and screams "Joulupukki Motherfucker!" and hangs up. The person who received the call now has fifteen minutes to find the caller and punch him in the nuttsack. Failure to do so leads to the punishments outlined earlier. After either punching the caller in the sack, or taking a shot to the nutts with a croquet mallet, the person now must call someone else and the game continues.

Joulupukki games have been known to last for years. Currently, three brothers and their friends have been playing a continuous game of Joulupukki for the past 17 years. One of the players, Markku, is incredibly bad at the game and has just learned to enjoy the taste of cow anus. He claims it tastes like chicken. Pretty much everyone else on the planet disagrees.

The rules are quite simple. You have fifteen minutes to find your caller. You aren't allowed to use any computer assistance. You can only call three other people and ask each three questions to help narrow down the location of the caller. Once found, you must punch the other person with all due strength. Soft hits are grounds for punishment.

Finland has spent the past fifteen years lobbying the Olympic Committee to have Joulupukki entered in the Olympics. The Committee, however has declined due to the lack of time contraint on any given game. The Finnish Joulupukk Council has begun talks to outline new rules which would limit the length of a Joulupukki game.

We, however, think that would be kind of pussy. Just let the damn game play itself out!

Finland - Rating: B-
Joulupukki - Rating: A+

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