Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Ye Olde Damned Funny

Unbeknownst to many, BDF had a forerunner called Ye Olde Damned Funny which ran from 1880 to 1942. Being the pre-internet era, this version of BDF was a weekly newspaper.

Peaking in popularity between 1908 and 1938, hundreds of people applied for employment with the Olde Damned paper.

Much akin to the modern day BDF that you know and love (yes you do...admit it...you love it), YODF had a small staff. Consequently, the vast majority of applicants weren't hired.

Always looking for a good excuse to avoid working, we here at the modern BDF rooted through the old archives and perused some of the resumes. While none of the following applicants were hired, rest assured that they all went on to bigger things.













In retrospect, it probably would have been interesting to see what some of those guys would do within YODF.

Knowing what happened with Sacco and Vanzetti, I feel a little bit bad that they weren't hired. Well, hindsight is 20/20 and all that stuff.

As far as that last applicant...further proof that we have always had bad judgment. We probably should have hired that guy.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Some More Big Damn Apologies





Stu: I'm sorry that I convinced you that your girlfriend was screwing nine other dudes. As you now know, she really wasn't. Also, I probably shouldn't have convinced her that you were a raging closeted homosexual. She seemed like a real keeper. Sorry she left you, man. That sucks.

Peter: I'm sorry that for ten years I told everyone we knew that you were slowly going deaf so they would have to speak up. Yeah. It was me that did that one. Sorry. It was kind of funny when we would all go out drinking and everyone would shout at you and you had no idea what the fuck was going on. Heh. OK. That was wrong. Sorry.

Pablo: It was incredibly rude of me to have done that thing in that place. I would say more, but I doubt the statute of limitations has run out on that so it's probably best to stay general on the details. Anyway, sorry I never sprung for a lawyer. When you get out in five years, I'm going to throw you one hell of a party. Obviously, without booze, though. At least for me. You understand, right? Sure you do. I'm almost positive you do.

Betty: I'm really sorry that I farted like seventeen times during your wedding. I'm even more sorry for that one fart that turned out to not so much be a fart. Whoops! Seriously, that sucked. Sorry.

Everyone at the Laundromat: I'm sorry that for about three weeks I would show up at four in the morning and pee in all the dryers. That was fucked up. I shouldn't have done that.

June (?): I'm pretty sure your name was June. If not, I apologize for forgetting your name. Joan? Maybe it was Joan. In any case, I'm sorry I never called you back after you went down on my in the alley behind the bowling alley. It wasn't you, it was me. OK. It was you. A shaft of light hit your face as you stood...I swear for a moment I thought I just got blown by a fucking wookiee. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that apparently God hates you, because seriously...you are fugly. Jane? Was it Jane? Fuck it.

All the students at St. Jospeph's Preschool: OK. First off, I think we all learned an interesting lesson about the downsides of drinking. Second, I'm really sorry I urinated all over your Christmas macramé projects. Also, I really shouldn't have screamed "There is no Santa you little fuckholes" as the police were physically removing me from the building. Sorry.

Grandpa: I'm sorry about that one Halloween when I dressed up like a reanimated Zombie Franklin Delano Roosevelt and showed up at your house at three in the morning and yelled at you for voting for Thomas Dewey. I didn't know Grandma was going to just drop like that. I mean, at first it was funny. But then, ultimately, it wasn't funny. My bad.

Saturday, August 5, 2006

Life Lists

Sometimes people decide that their life needs a minor overhaul. It is often beneficial to make a list of things you aspire to achieve and refer back to this list often to see what areas you need to focus on in your life.

I myself tried this once, but I really only had three things on my list.

1. Masturbate less. Seriously. I'm gonna have a groove in my palm within the year.
2. Quit smoking.
3. Punch a clown in the face.

I have yet to achieve any of these goals. Others seem to have more success with making and implementing a life list.

The following are some excepts from the life lists of historical figures.

 


Quasimodo



 


Kal-El



 


Adolph Hitler



 


John F. Kennedy



 

So you see, even some of the most famous people throughout history didn't achieve everything that they desired (although Kennedy pretty much did).

Don't let that dissuade you from crafting your own list and begin becoming a new you right now.

Go ahead and begin your list. Might I suggest adding "punch a clown"? Even though I haven't completed that particular task yet, I really do feel that it will be spiritually fulfilling.

Thursday, August 3, 2006

My New Pen Pal

Yet another wonderful piece of writing from our little pal Timmy Smith.











Big Damn Poetry: Cinco!

For your cultural edification, we offer these tasteful pieces of poesy.



Marriage

In nineteen hundred and ninety four,
I met a girl who was a whore.
She put out till my dick was sore,
I married her and now I'm poor.

Put out, she did, when we were dating,
All the time, we got to mating,
Now we're wed and I'm still waiting,
I guess I'll turn to masturbating.




Blowjob

Why is it called a blowjob?
It's no job, nor does it blow.
For actually, it's quite fun.
I like them, don't you know.

It should be called a suck-fun,
For that's more accurate.
So come over here and give me one,
'Cause I'm not celibate.




Klondike Bar

What to do for a Klondike bar?
That's an interesting query.
I might propose some feat of strength,
But, as a wuss, I'd grow quite weary.

I think instead I'd simplify,
Hard work, I do abhor
I'd just raid my wife's wallet,
And go buy one at the store.

Some Big Damn Apologies





John: I'm sorry that after you stopped working for me when your prospective new employer called me to ask for a reference, I said "Ficus". Even though I knew he wanted a job reference, I thought an obscure reference would be funnier. Mea Culpa.

Tom: About that one night...I was pretty drunk and I didn't realize that was your wife. For what it's worth, she's very good. You are a very lucky man. I'm sorry.

Abram: In retrospect, I guess "Jewboy" wasn't the most affectionate nickname. I'm also sorry about the time you invited me to attend the synagogue to learn about your culture and I arrived wearing a propeller beanie and called it my Yabba-Dabba-Yarmulke. That was rude. I apologize.

The Pizza Guy: I'm sorry that I punched you out and then peed on your unconscious head. I actually did have the money for the pizza. For some reason I just thought the peeing thing would be funnier. I'm also sorry for putting pictures of that incident up on the internet. I didn't expect them to spread that quickly. Apologies.

The Members Of My Old Gym: I'm sorry I kept peeing in the pool. That was wrong.

To The Pope: I'm sorry about...well, I'm sure you remember. Please let me reimburse you for the cleaning bill. Sorry.

Ryan: I'm sorry that for three years I slowly starting driving you insane by having everyone in the office speak backwards when you were around. For what it's worth, it was pretty funny. At least to us. But that isn't a good excuse. Even though it was funny. I'm sorry.

Lorraine: I'm sorry that our marriage was so rough. I'm also sorry you are still such a raging bitch. OK...I'm sorry I just said that. Sorry.

Mom and Dad: I'm sorry I got drunk and wrecked your car when I was twelve. I am further sorry that I framed the old lady next door who was suffering from Alzheimer's. That wasn't nice of me. My sincerest apologies.

The Old Lady With Alzheimer's: Please see above. If you remember. Ha! Just kidding. Sorry.

Tim: I'm sorry that I replaced your medication with Skittles. I can't help but feel a little responsible for the coma you have been in for the past eight years. My bad.

Some More Apologies

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Finland: A Review

In our ongoing attempt to educate and entertain, we bring you another article about a country we know absolutely nothing about: Finland. Much like our earlier reviews of Sweden and Norway, Finland is a Nordic country.

As with the previously mentioned Nordic reviews, we know absolutely nothing about Finland. The following is some shit we made up.

Finland was initially settled around 8500 BC by itinerant hunter-gatherer types. While archeological evidence supports this, it is still unclear why anyone would choose to live somewhere so far north where it is cold as balls.

As the Stone Age led to the Bronze Age and the Iron Age, the people of Finland spread themselves further around the area. Not literally spread themselves as individuals, but as a group. It is very difficult for an individual to spread him/herself over a vast area...unless that person is a shape shifter. There is no conclusive evidence to support claims that Finnish people are, in fact, shape shifters...although we are going to go ahead and claim that they are. Finnish people are shape shifters. Seriously.

Finnish people can eat five times their own body weight in a matter of minutes. This is due to their ability to dislocate their jaws to take in larger amounts of food in a sitting. Additionally, they don't swallow, but merely ingest things whole. Consequently, the inability of the Finnish women (and men) to swallow has made many a Finnish man sad.

Due to the rigors of shape shifting, the average Finnish person sheds his/her skin three times a year. As it is quite cold in Finland, large bulky sweaters are used to protect the body while skinless. It can take 3-5 business days for a new skin to regrow. Discarded skins are often shipped to third world countries for sweat shop use in making sports equipment like footballs and whatever-the-hell you call the ball used in Rugby.

Finnish people have compound eyes which allow them to see in 132 directions at once. This can cause extremely painful headaches which is the reason why Extra-Strength Migraine medication is used in abundance by the Finnish. Seriously. It's like Skittles or something to those Finnish people.

People in Finland are often born with prehensile tails and a propensity for eating children. As this is frowned upon in Finnish society, the tails are usually surgically removed at birth which seems to lessen the desire to consume children. Scientists still aren't sure why this happens.

Finland can be divided into six distinct provinces. Actually, with a little creative thinking, it could be divided into at least 33, by our reckoning. The Finnish shape shifters, however, don't appear to be that inventive with their topography. The six provinces each have their own names to differentiate them from each other. We don't know what they are.

Joulupukki is the name of Santa Claus in Finland. This has been the source of much laughter and amusement by those who reside outside of Finland. Mainly, because the name is silly looking, but also because it looks like it should be the name of a drinking game. Ironically enough, (and by "ironically enough" we mean "we are going to make something up and pretend it is fact") Joulupukki is also the name of the most popular drinking game in Finland.

Joulupukki has very few rules, but those rules are strictly enforced. Any player who breaks the rules is slapped in the testicles with a croquet mallet (this game is only played by males). Additionally, five breaches of the rules is punished by the guilty party being forced to lick a cow's ass for three minutes. Hilarity ensues.

Play is begun when one person calls another via their Nokia phone (which are issued to all Finnish people at birth) and screams "Joulupukki Motherfucker!" and hangs up. The person who received the call now has fifteen minutes to find the caller and punch him in the nuttsack. Failure to do so leads to the punishments outlined earlier. After either punching the caller in the sack, or taking a shot to the nutts with a croquet mallet, the person now must call someone else and the game continues.

Joulupukki games have been known to last for years. Currently, three brothers and their friends have been playing a continuous game of Joulupukki for the past 17 years. One of the players, Markku, is incredibly bad at the game and has just learned to enjoy the taste of cow anus. He claims it tastes like chicken. Pretty much everyone else on the planet disagrees.

The rules are quite simple. You have fifteen minutes to find your caller. You aren't allowed to use any computer assistance. You can only call three other people and ask each three questions to help narrow down the location of the caller. Once found, you must punch the other person with all due strength. Soft hits are grounds for punishment.

Finland has spent the past fifteen years lobbying the Olympic Committee to have Joulupukki entered in the Olympics. The Committee, however has declined due to the lack of time contraint on any given game. The Finnish Joulupukk Council has begun talks to outline new rules which would limit the length of a Joulupukki game.

We, however, think that would be kind of pussy. Just let the damn game play itself out!

Finland - Rating: B-
Joulupukki - Rating: A+

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