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Friday, July 21, 2006

Big Damn Rules Of Life

Most of the Big Damn Staff aren't what one would call "intelligent". Our lives are marked with the stupidity of someone who begins a life altering event with the declaration "I think I can pull this off..."

As such, we thought we would share the wisdom gleaned from years of "not pulling it off". Here are our Big Damn Rules.

No matter how drunk you are (and you should definitely be drunk before attempting this) eating at White Castle is never as good an idea as it initially seems. Diarrhea is forthcoming...and it will ride through your digestive tract with the speed and fury of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Burying a corpse in your backyard, while convenient, isn't really a good idea. Trust us. We have lost more than one Big Damn Staff member to this particular faux pas.

Just because you can stuff an entire cantaloupe into your rectum, it doesn't mean you should. That ain't ever going to end well.

If she hasn't called you within three days of meeting in a bar...it isn't going to happen. Let it go.

Seriously. Unless you are an Olympic swimmer, there is no reason to shave your chest. No good reason, anyway.

It is rarely a good idea to anger Zombie McQueen.

There are people you "do" and people you "date". Don't confuse the two. It will make Thanksgiving dinner more interesting that you imagined. And your Grandparents will probably never speak to you again.

If you are over the ago of twenty and your goal in life is to be a professional video game player...you will never ever see vagina. Thems the breaks.

Mother's Day? Do it.

Secretary's Day? Fuck it.

Your mother is a saint. She put up with you when you were a child and she still puts up with your dumb ass with as much patience as any human being can. Now, you don't have to take her to the hair salon or anything. Have your wife do it. But make sure you pay for it. That was you are still the nice guy. Think about it.

At some point you just have to accept the fact that you will never grow up to be Batman. It's OK. We all feel your pain.

As stated previously, most of BDF has had to learn about life the hard way. We want to spare our readers this humiliation by helping them to learn from our mistakes.

But if you really want to call the big cop who pulls you over a "big fucking pig"...hey, knock yourself out. Fuck it...what the hell do we know?

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