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Monday, July 24, 2006

15 More Signs That You Aren't Famous

An addendum to our earlier 15 Signs That You Aren't Famous.

1. You have stalkers....called collection agents.

2. Thus far, no one will admit to having had sex with you.

3. The closest thing you have to paparazzi are those two Cheaters vans that your girlfriend got to follow you around. The confrontation is the first and only time you will be on television.

4. The only picture of you anyone has ever put up on a wall is the one your father put in the basement (your bedroom). Across your face he has written "FAILURE".

5. Your attempt to market a sex tape starring yourself garnered one bid on eBay...for $1. The bidder later emailed you and admitted that it was an error.

6. Your mother sometimes forgets your name. Your father keeps calling you "that failure".

7. You offered to sign a kids cast once...and he ran away screaming.

8. Everyone you know has forgotten your birthday for the past seventeen years.

9. People, as a rule, don't really give a shit about you.

10. When you phone your siblings they often interrupt you to ask "Who are you, again?"

11. Anyone you have ever impregnated lies and claims the baby is someone else's.

12. Jay Leno still won't return your calls...and nobody actually wants to go on Leno.

13. When you make surprise appearances at parties everyone whispers "who the fuck invited that guy?"

14. When you broke your leg, the only signatures on it were the five names you made up and signed left handed to change the writing style.

15. All evidence seems to indicate you aren't famous.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Big Damn Rules Of Life

Most of the Big Damn Staff aren't what one would call "intelligent". Our lives are marked with the stupidity of someone who begins a life altering event with the declaration "I think I can pull this off..."

As such, we thought we would share the wisdom gleaned from years of "not pulling it off". Here are our Big Damn Rules.

No matter how drunk you are (and you should definitely be drunk before attempting this) eating at White Castle is never as good an idea as it initially seems. Diarrhea is forthcoming...and it will ride through your digestive tract with the speed and fury of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Burying a corpse in your backyard, while convenient, isn't really a good idea. Trust us. We have lost more than one Big Damn Staff member to this particular faux pas.

Just because you can stuff an entire cantaloupe into your rectum, it doesn't mean you should. That ain't ever going to end well.

If she hasn't called you within three days of meeting in a bar...it isn't going to happen. Let it go.

Seriously. Unless you are an Olympic swimmer, there is no reason to shave your chest. No good reason, anyway.

It is rarely a good idea to anger Zombie McQueen.

There are people you "do" and people you "date". Don't confuse the two. It will make Thanksgiving dinner more interesting that you imagined. And your Grandparents will probably never speak to you again.

If you are over the ago of twenty and your goal in life is to be a professional video game player...you will never ever see vagina. Thems the breaks.

Mother's Day? Do it.

Secretary's Day? Fuck it.

Your mother is a saint. She put up with you when you were a child and she still puts up with your dumb ass with as much patience as any human being can. Now, you don't have to take her to the hair salon or anything. Have your wife do it. But make sure you pay for it. That was you are still the nice guy. Think about it.

At some point you just have to accept the fact that you will never grow up to be Batman. It's OK. We all feel your pain.

As stated previously, most of BDF has had to learn about life the hard way. We want to spare our readers this humiliation by helping them to learn from our mistakes.

But if you really want to call the big cop who pulls you over a "big fucking pig"...hey, knock yourself out. Fuck it...what the hell do we know?

Sunday, July 16, 2006

15 More Egregiously Bad Opening Sentences, Again

Another addendum to our earlier 15 Egregiously Bad Opening Sentences.

1. Suddenly overcome with guilt, I realized that I probably shouldn't have killed those three hookers simply because Daddy didn't hug me enough.

2. The water felt very wet as the damp rain drenched my moisturized soggy face.

3. That better have been a wet dream or I seriously need to get my penis checked out by a medical professional...soon.

4. She was fat but I was horny...such is life.

5. More than a little embarrassed, I suddenly realized I had left my penis at my now ex-girlfriend's house...after calling her a "raging bitch" and storming off. I probably wasn't going to get it back.

6. I turned to my partner and whispered, "If he laughs...we might not go to jail."

7. As I felt the icy hand of death upon me, I came to the realization that my "notebook paper and packing foam" diet probably wasn't healthy. I was, however, amazingly thin.

8. After about three weeks of following his instructions to the letter, I realized that my guru was in actuality a peanut butter sandwich.

9. I only do shit that fucked up on Tuesdays between noon and two.

10. As I smelled the remains of the charred rodeo clown, I found myself more than a little aroused.

11. The silence was broken when Bob exclaimed, "That's not oatmeal, that's my mother!"

12. I swear...if that guy touches that fucking lemur one more time....

13. Realizing I wasn't actually a doctor, I released the man's still beating heart and quietly slipped out of the operating room.

14. I'm not trying to be creepy, but that wombat was kind of sexy.

15. And that's when the guy exploded.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

15 Things You Rarely Hear On A Date

1. Baby, I just want to blow you. We don't even have to cuddle.

2. Hey hottie! Who's your fat friend?

3. Stop calling. You are fat and uninteresting.

4. I fucked your mom.

5. Of course you need more shoes, honey.

6. No baby, you're just big boned. Just kidding. You're fat.

7. Your sister is hot. I'm just saying. Seriously. I'd do her.

8. No baby, I love that time of the month.

9. I'm just here for food. I really couldn't care less about you.

10. No seriously. Put your bra back on. I just want to talk. Talk about what interests you.

11. Less talking. More sucking.

12. If we are going to hang out, you are going to need to get a lot more attractive.

13. Small? Nah. I think it's cute.

14. Your male pattern baldness is so sexy!

15. I'm going to be honest. I'm not listening to a word you are saying. Every time you open your mouth I just see a potential place to park my penis. Hey, alliteration! Seriously, though. I'd like a blowjob.

Friday, July 7, 2006

Big Damn History: Edition, The Fifth

As an addendum to an earlier article, we illustrate more instances of history being a curious thing.

Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were Italian-Americans with a passionate love for comedy.

Sacco, a shoe maker, and Vanzetti, a fish seller, met while attending the performance of a witty humorist at a local theater on the Orpheum Circuit. Finding a shared love for all things funny, they both found an odd stirring within themselves. At first this was misinterpreted as the culmination of some latent homosexuality...but it turned out to simply be a driving desire to form a comedy team.

Sacco and Vanzetti (as their oh-so-creative comedy team was named) began performing in local dime museums. While they had some small local success, their attempts to join the Orpheum Circuit remained fruitless.

Aimless, the two drifted toward the Anarchist political ideology. Anarchism was generally frowned upon in the early American 20th century. As such, Sacco and Vanzetti were accused of the killings of Frederick Parmenter and Alessandro Berardelli during a robbery on April 15, 1920.

Many believe that Sacco and Vanzetti were innocent. They both had alibis. There were alleged police improprieties in regards to the handling of weapons. Probably the most important piece of evidence for the innocence of Sacco and Vanzetti is that one of the victims, Berardelli, was himself an aspiring comedian. Sacco and Vanzetti had far too much love for comedy to harm a fellow humorist.

Unfortunately for the world of comedy, Sacco and Vanzetti were executed on August 23, 1927 leaving the world a slightly less funny place.

The following year, an even more unfortunate event for Sacco and Vanzetti (as if there could possibly be anything more unfortunate than being dead) happened in January 1928. Benjamin Franklin Keith, Edward Franklin Albee II and Martin Beck united their vaudeville circuits into the Keith-Albee-Orpheum. This new behemoth needed more acts to fill their bills and they specifically needed comedians.

Who knows what the future may have had in store for poor Sacco and Vanzetti?

Another fascinating occurrence in 1928 was Alexander Fleming's discovery of Penicillin.

Arthur Edmund Penicillin was often teased as a child for the bizarre secretions his body would make whilst under stress. As he grew older, the teasing turned to amazement as it was discovered that Arthur Penicillin was virtually immune to Gonorrhea, a sexual plague that was devastating Penicillin's group of acquaintances.

Alexander Fleming was working at St. Mary's Hospital in London when he heard a strange noise. Peering under his table, he discovered Arthur Penicillin enjoying a turkey on rye. Penicillin, being a generous soul, offered to split his sandwich with Fleming. Fleming agreed.

Conversation began. One thing led to another. Eventually, Fleming learned how to utilize the odd secretions of Penicillin to create a very strong anti-biotic.

In further installments of this series, we will examine how the hare really did beat the tortoise but the outcome was egregiously distorted by the liberal media. Also, we will analyze how one man eating clam chowder forever effected the economy of the Latvian pygmies.

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