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Thursday, June 1, 2006

The Pleatheraptor

We have previously delved into the Naugabeast and discussed its use for Naugahyde. Now, we turn our gaze to the South African Pleatheraptor.

As noted in the previous article, due to overhunting of Naugabeasts, the industry was forced to turn to alternate sources of textiles. "Pleather" comes from the South African Pleatheraptor, a smooth featherless lizard-like bird.

Some believe that the Pleatheraptor may be a modern descendant of the Pteranodon. Others believe those those people are idiots. Still others think the Pleateraptor may be a marsupial of some kind, but both previous groups can agree that these people are fucking morons.

With a wingspan of three and a half feet, the Pleatheraptor is a beautiful creature when in flight. Unfortunately, that it usually the time when natives hired by the textile industry shoot poison arrows into the breast of this beatiful beast and bring it crashing to Earth.

Pleatheraptors are vegetarian and have been found to have a fondness for Ritz Bits Sandwiches coupled with a nice fondue. Also, they are calmed by the music of Wayne Newton but will enter a fiery rage if forced to hear Robert Goulet. And who can blame them?

While basically docile creatures, the Pleatheraptor is soothed by the color white and enraged by anything off-white or ecru.

Native to South Africa, as their name indicates, some have been spotted as far north as Norwegia. Not normally migratory, the poor fuckers have been forced to escape their natural habitat to escape being hunted.

While those in South Africa are used to seeing the large leathery creature, other lands are far more prone to panic at the sudden appearance of a giant dinosaur looking thing landing on their front yards and hunting for cheese. This has, unfortunately, led to many Pleatheraptor deaths completely unrelated to the pleather industry.

If you find yourself confronted with a Pleatheraptor, you will find that they enjoy a nice bit of cheese (Gouda being their preference) but whatever you do...don't play, or even hum, any of the work of Robert Goulet. The six inch claws Pleatheraptors have can gut you in a matter of seconds.

Also, they make fine (albeit large) pets. Your yellow pages might have the number for a local Pleatheraptor shelter. Although, I'd imagine you would be aware of any in your locality as these beasts are huge.

If you don't have a particular love for Goulet, please think about adopting one of these noble creatures. Their future is in your hands.

Also, don't wear anything made of Pleather around them. It's just mean.

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