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Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Blog Of Johnny Appleseed

While it definitely seems like damn near everyone has a blog these days, what isn't well known is that blogs aren't really a recent thing. Archeological evidence has uncovered proof that many great names throughout history were avid bloggers, too.

I know. Some of you are thinking but how is that possible when the internet is relatively recent?. To you I say this: Shut up. You're fucking up my article.

The following are some excerpts from John Chapman's (a.k.a. Johnny Appleseed) blog.

2/7/1882 11:32 a.m.

Today I began my mission. I just started walking. Here and there I would spread some appleseeds around.

I really hope this leads to something good.

2/9/1882 7:38 p.m.

Today I got my ass kicked.

I was just minding my own business...doing my thing...planting my seeds and whatnot when out of the blue these two huge lumberjack looking assholes began accosting me.

They asked me what I was doing so I told them. Planting appleseeds to make apple trees.

The next thing I knew, one guy had punched me in the face. As I lay on the ground curled up in a ball, they starting kicking me in the ribs and shouting that I was an "applefucker".

Applefucker? What does that even mean?

Anyway, I passed out from the pain. When I awoke they were gone.

The bastards took my appleseeds, too. Tomorrow I will have to get some more.

2/11/1882 8:42 p.m.

Well, it looks like those two asshats from the other day were telling everyone what they did because now everywhere I roam people start calling out "Look, here comes the applefucker".

Applefucker? WTF?

Anyway, I planted some more trees today.

2/15/1882 10:46 p.m.

I swear...if one more person calls me Johnny Applefucker I am going to open so many cans of Whoop-Ass.

2/21/1882 8:32 p.m.

Today was a pretty mellow day. I planted some apples. I ate some applepie. I drank some applecider.

Luckily, nobody recognized me so I didn't have to hear that fucking name again.

3/15/1882 11:32 a.m.

If I hear Johnny Applefucker one more time, I'm going to shove an apple up somebody's ass.

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