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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Even More Big Damn History

Another installment of our investigations into the strange and curious thing that is history.

On July 6th, 1917, T.E. Lawrence lead his merry band of marauding Arabs to capture Aqaba from the Turks. While this episode has been written about numerous times and also dramatized in the motion picture Lawrence Of Arabia, much of the truth has yet to be revealed.

While Lawrence was most assuredly an excellent military strategist, historians now know that he has a secret weapon in his arsenal: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin.

A brief digression is in order.

Grigori Rasputin (a.k.a. The Mad Monk) was a spiritual adviser to the Romanovs, Tsar Nicholaus II and Alexandria. Long story short, he pissed some people off.

December 16, 1916, a small cabal of Russian nobles lured Rasputin to a palace owned by Prince Felix Yusupov. While there, the naughty nobles served him cake and wine which were laced with cyanide...which is bad and really fucks with the flavor of good food. While there was supposedly enough cyanide to kill ten men, Rasputin just continued eating and telling funny stories about a family named the Fukumovs who lived near him as a child.

Worried that their plan was beginning to suck, the nobles shot Rasputin through the back. Noble in the parlor with the revolver. Clue!

Within the hour, Yusupov returned to check the corpse. Unfortunately for Yusi (which is my new nickname for Yusupov), Rasputin wasn't a corpse at all and leaped to his feet. He began chocking Yusi who fought him off and ran like a little girl.

Feeling the effects of eighteen pounds of cyanide and a bullet, Rasputin became a little worried and ran outside. One of the other nobles shot at Rasputin five times, three missed and two actually hit the poor bastard. Rasputin was then clubbed and thrown in the Neva River.

Three days later, the body was removed. Four days after that, Rasputin was revived as a zombie by Tomás de Torquemada. While this may seem odd considering Torquemada died in 1498 and Rasputin in 1916, this is easily explained: Torquemada himself was revived as a zombie by Ivan IV Vasilyevich (a.k.a. Ivan the Terrible) who as we all know, is immortal and still roams the Earth looking for souls to harvest. He uses them to make an excellent goulash.

Somehow, seven months later Zombie Rasputin ended up in the Middle East and assisted T.E. Lawrence in kicking some Turkish ass.

He has only been seen sporadically since that time.

In 1925, John Thomas Scopes was charged with violating the Butler Act of Tennessee. This act was written to prohibit the teaching of Evolution in public schools.

The incident in question happened when Scopes was attempting to instruct his pupils on basic biology. The rambunctious children refused to pay him any mind and instead carried on talking and throwing wads of paper at each other. Fed up, Scopes blurted out "You are all a bunch of monkeys."

Reeling from what he realized was an incredible breach of etiquette, Scopes covered his remark by pulling some stuff out of his ass about people coming from monkeys. Which is ridiculous.

Everybody knows we come from the seedpods of our Galactic Overlords from Galaxor 5.

In any case, there was a trial and Scopes lost.

The End

In further installments of this series, we will examine many more unknown truths like the truth behind the myth of the Art Deco movement, and how Philo Taylor Farnsworth's creation of the vacuum television was fueled by his passionate hatred for himself and people who pronounce water as war-ter.

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