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Sunday, May 7, 2006

The Blog Of King Arthur

While it definitely seems like damn near everyone has a blog these days, what isn't well known is that blogs aren't really a recent thing. Archeological evidence has uncovered proof that many great names throughout history were avid bloggers, too.

I know. Some of you are thinking but how is that possible when the internet is relatively recent?. To you I say this: Shut up. You're fucking up my article.

The following are some excerpts from King Arthur's blog.

2/12/465 2:12 a.m.

Well, I broke my damn sword fighting King Pellinore. That part sucked.

What was really cool, though, was that I got a new one.

From a lady. In a lake.

I know. Sounds like bullshit, but it's true.

It's really shiny. I like it a lot.

2/14/465 3:17 p.m.

Bedevere and I fought the Giant of Mont St. Michel. Man...that big bastard was hard to bring down.

Unfortunately, at one point he fell on Sir Morton The Wise and killed him instantly.

Poor Morty.

On the plus side, that new sword is really working out well. I really like it.

2/18/465 4:38 p.m.

Merlin keeps following the other men around and badgering them to watch him "do a trick". What a dork.

As a side note, I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable with the way Lancelot keeps looking at Guinevere.

2/19/465 1:18 p.m.

Young nephew Gawain is really starting to get on my nerves. I realize that he is supposed to meet the Green Knight in a month and that big green guy is probably going to kill him. I know all this. And sure, it's probably scary. But he literally soiled himself today. Twice.

Since he returned from his adventuring, he keeps telling us the strangest stories. Apparently, at one point he stayed in a castle with a lord and lady who took him in for a few nights.

The first night, the lord tells him that he is going hunting all the next day so Gawain should just hang around the castle for and be mellow. Sleep in. Hang around. Whatever.

So apparently, Gawain and this lord guy make a deal. The lord will give Gawain whatever he hunts and Gawain will give the lord whatever he might gain during the day.

So...obviously, the next day Gawain ends up kissing the lady while the lord is out hunting. Bad move. Somehow, everything turns out all right, though. The lord gives Gawain a dead deer and Gawain gives the lord a kiss.

Second day, same deal. Gawain gets a dead fox and the lord gets a Gawain kiss.

Now the third day...poor Gawain was a little horny and he is dumb enough to let the lady blow him.

Gawain got another deer and the lord....I don't even want to think about this anymore.

Gawain is an idiot.

p.s. Seriously. Lancelot is really starting to make me nervous.

2/20/465 3:05 a.m.

OK. It's all out. Agravain and Morded came clean and told me that Lancelot and Guinevere have been fucking for weeks.

I'm going to kill that son of a bitch. With my new sword.

Seriously. I really like this sword.

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