Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

A Letter To Mom

Our sweet little correspondent, Timmy Smith, writes a letter to his mother.

Friday, May 19, 2006

More Man In The Street Interviews

Another installment of our Man In The Street Interviews with the intrepid Stu.

As we are sure you are all aware, BDF is a fairly "cause oriented" organization. As such, we wanted to know what the average Martha and Jethro felt were important issues today.

Once more, we sent our man of the people Stu into the larger world around us to ask a few questions. This is what he found.

Bobby Lee, Stu's next door neighbor, said:

"I'm gonna go with the ongoing battle between Formula One and NASCAR."

Bobby Lee feels that this is an important issue because until the two are joined in glorious harmony, there will always be prejudice and dissention among the American people.

Antoine, a guy Stu bumped into whilst visiting his bookie, said:

"Basically, the issue foremost in my mind is the educational system. By neglecting to properly teach the economic concept of supply and demand, young people will never understand that by legalizing marijuana, many hardworking people like myself would lose their jobs when the position of "corner guy" is outsourced to some guy from India."

Stu was speechless. At both the answer and what may well be the longest run-on sentence in history.

CoCo, best known for operating her personal business at the corner of 5th and Maple, said:

"I guess I'm gonna have to go with the rising gas prices."

She further went on to bemoan her plight by illustrating how unlikely it was that any of her customers would ride a bike to pick her up. And if they did, how difficult it would be to blow a guy on a bike.

Also, she isn't sure how travel expenses to a client's home might be written off on her taxes. CoCo is always going on about her taxes.

Stu, himself, felt that the most important issue of the day is finding a way to force bars to charge happy hour prices throughout the day and night.

As you can see, BDF takes great pains to bring the opinions of the masses to light and we promise to continue to serve as a beacon of completely made-up interviews.

Friday, May 12, 2006

15 Things I Have Never Overheard

1. Yeah. I killed her. Hey, I'm hungry. Did you want to go get some pancakes? I could really fuck up a stack of pancakes.

2. Wait a minute. I don't even have an evil twin brother. Who the fuck are you?

3. The weird thing is...I never knew they even made a topical ointment for homosexuality. Now I can just rub the gay away!

4. No. I said you have to eat the rodeo clown.

5. Well, of course it's wrong. But it feels so damn good. And the badgers don't seem to mind so what the hell? You know?

6. I was thinking about getting my Jewish friend Abram a Christmas gift. A copy of Mein Kampf and an Easy-Bake Oven. Get it? What do you mean "insensitive"? Yeah...well...fuck you, too.

7. Once I create my time machine, all you bastards will be sorry. All of you!

8. Look, I had no idea it was your mother. We were at an Abe Vigoda fan convention. These things happen in the heat of the moment.

9. The truth is...I'm your real father. Nah...I'm just kidding. The truth is you have cancer. Sorry.

10. Seriously. Do not put that thing in your ass. I made that mistake too damn many times.

11. Mommy, why does Daddy always smell like booze and ass? Seriously. He smells very assy.

12. Soon all my evil plans will come to fruition. Soon. Mwa ha ha ha. What's that? Sorry. OK. Three egg McMuffins. Would you like a beverage with that?

13. Are you ready for the impending invasion of Giant Robots? For three small installments of $19.99, I can equip you with this fine piece of anti-Giant Robot craftsmanship.

14. Well son, I would get you one of those for Christmas, but as it turns out I've stopped loving you. Sorry.

15. Whatever you do...do not put that in the...oh shit. You did, didn't you? OK. We're fucked.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Holy Shit!: A Nautical Tale

The large waves rocked the ship softly in a manner which made Palmer find himself drifting to sleep. Each time he closed his eyes, Doctor Milano would slap him mildly about the face and remind him to stay awake.

The wound in his upper arm was still bleeding profusely and the Doctor was worried.

"I don't know how much more I can do. He may not make it through the night."

Captain Heaton nodded as he listened to the Doctor's words. Continuously smoking his pipe, Heaton leaned forward and stabbed his left index finger into the Palmer's wound.

"Sweet creeping Jesus! Why would you do that?!" Palmer cried out.

Doctor Milano looked at both Palmer and Heaton with wide eyed amazement.

Captain Heaton continued smoking and nodding. "Yep. He's probably screwed" the captain pronounced.

Placing more bandages on the now agitated wound, Palmer assured the captain he would do all he could for Palmer.

"Make his death quiet and painless. It's over for him. Do that thing you did for Schmidt last week."

Milano's eyes grew as wide as a couple of Lincoln Mercury hubcaps. "But...but...you made me do that to Schmidt."

"Put him out of his misery is what you did. Nothing wrong with that," the captain replied, still pulling on his pipe with an air of nonchalance.

"But...Schmidt only had a splinter. In his right hand. He would've pulled through."

Captain Heaton leveled his gaze on Milano. "This isn't a time to second guess ourselves. Schmidt was crying out in obvious pain. You did what you had to."

Milano dropped his head and muttered something softly which the captain only partially heard. Just as Heaton was about to inquire as to what it was specifically Milano wanted him to do with his ass, someone came rushing down the stairs and into the cabin.

Between gasping breathes the man was able to blurt out, "Sir! Trouble in the waters!"

Captain Heaton nodded and followed the young officer up to the deck.

Squinting in the sunlight, Heaton saw four men pointing out to sea and muttering amongst themselves.

"It's that damn whale again, sir. It looks like he plans to ram the ship," the young officer intoned.

"Well," Heaton began, pulling his pipe from his mouth and tapping the ashes out on the deck, "I guess we will have to submerge."

"But sir," the young officer cried out, "this isn't a submersible."

The captain nodded. "I guess you better tell the lads to start holding their breath. Submerge!"

Submerge they did, but the whale rammed them in spite of their evasive maneuvers.

All were lost.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Even More Big Damn History

Another installment of our investigations into the strange and curious thing that is history.

On July 6th, 1917, T.E. Lawrence lead his merry band of marauding Arabs to capture Aqaba from the Turks. While this episode has been written about numerous times and also dramatized in the motion picture Lawrence Of Arabia, much of the truth has yet to be revealed.

While Lawrence was most assuredly an excellent military strategist, historians now know that he has a secret weapon in his arsenal: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin.

A brief digression is in order.

Grigori Rasputin (a.k.a. The Mad Monk) was a spiritual adviser to the Romanovs, Tsar Nicholaus II and Alexandria. Long story short, he pissed some people off.

December 16, 1916, a small cabal of Russian nobles lured Rasputin to a palace owned by Prince Felix Yusupov. While there, the naughty nobles served him cake and wine which were laced with cyanide...which is bad and really fucks with the flavor of good food. While there was supposedly enough cyanide to kill ten men, Rasputin just continued eating and telling funny stories about a family named the Fukumovs who lived near him as a child.

Worried that their plan was beginning to suck, the nobles shot Rasputin through the back. Noble in the parlor with the revolver. Clue!

Within the hour, Yusupov returned to check the corpse. Unfortunately for Yusi (which is my new nickname for Yusupov), Rasputin wasn't a corpse at all and leaped to his feet. He began chocking Yusi who fought him off and ran like a little girl.

Feeling the effects of eighteen pounds of cyanide and a bullet, Rasputin became a little worried and ran outside. One of the other nobles shot at Rasputin five times, three missed and two actually hit the poor bastard. Rasputin was then clubbed and thrown in the Neva River.

Three days later, the body was removed. Four days after that, Rasputin was revived as a zombie by Tomás de Torquemada. While this may seem odd considering Torquemada died in 1498 and Rasputin in 1916, this is easily explained: Torquemada himself was revived as a zombie by Ivan IV Vasilyevich (a.k.a. Ivan the Terrible) who as we all know, is immortal and still roams the Earth looking for souls to harvest. He uses them to make an excellent goulash.

Somehow, seven months later Zombie Rasputin ended up in the Middle East and assisted T.E. Lawrence in kicking some Turkish ass.

He has only been seen sporadically since that time.

In 1925, John Thomas Scopes was charged with violating the Butler Act of Tennessee. This act was written to prohibit the teaching of Evolution in public schools.

The incident in question happened when Scopes was attempting to instruct his pupils on basic biology. The rambunctious children refused to pay him any mind and instead carried on talking and throwing wads of paper at each other. Fed up, Scopes blurted out "You are all a bunch of monkeys."

Reeling from what he realized was an incredible breach of etiquette, Scopes covered his remark by pulling some stuff out of his ass about people coming from monkeys. Which is ridiculous.

Everybody knows we come from the seedpods of our Galactic Overlords from Galaxor 5.

In any case, there was a trial and Scopes lost.

The End

In further installments of this series, we will examine many more unknown truths like the truth behind the myth of the Art Deco movement, and how Philo Taylor Farnsworth's creation of the vacuum television was fueled by his passionate hatred for himself and people who pronounce water as war-ter.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

What I Am Doing This Summer

A sweet piece of summer writing from our little pal Timmy Smith.

Sunday, May 7, 2006

The Blog Of King Arthur

While it definitely seems like damn near everyone has a blog these days, what isn't well known is that blogs aren't really a recent thing. Archeological evidence has uncovered proof that many great names throughout history were avid bloggers, too.

I know. Some of you are thinking but how is that possible when the internet is relatively recent?. To you I say this: Shut up. You're fucking up my article.

The following are some excerpts from King Arthur's blog.

2/12/465 2:12 a.m.

Well, I broke my damn sword fighting King Pellinore. That part sucked.

What was really cool, though, was that I got a new one.

From a lady. In a lake.

I know. Sounds like bullshit, but it's true.

It's really shiny. I like it a lot.

2/14/465 3:17 p.m.

Bedevere and I fought the Giant of Mont St. Michel. Man...that big bastard was hard to bring down.

Unfortunately, at one point he fell on Sir Morton The Wise and killed him instantly.

Poor Morty.

On the plus side, that new sword is really working out well. I really like it.

2/18/465 4:38 p.m.

Merlin keeps following the other men around and badgering them to watch him "do a trick". What a dork.

As a side note, I'm growing increasingly uncomfortable with the way Lancelot keeps looking at Guinevere.

2/19/465 1:18 p.m.

Young nephew Gawain is really starting to get on my nerves. I realize that he is supposed to meet the Green Knight in a month and that big green guy is probably going to kill him. I know all this. And sure, it's probably scary. But he literally soiled himself today. Twice.

Since he returned from his adventuring, he keeps telling us the strangest stories. Apparently, at one point he stayed in a castle with a lord and lady who took him in for a few nights.

The first night, the lord tells him that he is going hunting all the next day so Gawain should just hang around the castle for and be mellow. Sleep in. Hang around. Whatever.

So apparently, Gawain and this lord guy make a deal. The lord will give Gawain whatever he hunts and Gawain will give the lord whatever he might gain during the day.

So...obviously, the next day Gawain ends up kissing the lady while the lord is out hunting. Bad move. Somehow, everything turns out all right, though. The lord gives Gawain a dead deer and Gawain gives the lord a kiss.

Second day, same deal. Gawain gets a dead fox and the lord gets a Gawain kiss.

Now the third day...poor Gawain was a little horny and he is dumb enough to let the lady blow him.

Gawain got another deer and the lord....I don't even want to think about this anymore.

Gawain is an idiot.

p.s. Seriously. Lancelot is really starting to make me nervous.

2/20/465 3:05 a.m.

OK. It's all out. Agravain and Morded came clean and told me that Lancelot and Guinevere have been fucking for weeks.

I'm going to kill that son of a bitch. With my new sword.

Seriously. I really like this sword.

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