Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Friday, May 12, 2006

15 Things I Have Never Overheard

1. Yeah. I killed her. Hey, I'm hungry. Did you want to go get some pancakes? I could really fuck up a stack of pancakes.

2. Wait a minute. I don't even have an evil twin brother. Who the fuck are you?

3. The weird thing is...I never knew they even made a topical ointment for homosexuality. Now I can just rub the gay away!

4. No. I said you have to eat the rodeo clown.

5. Well, of course it's wrong. But it feels so damn good. And the badgers don't seem to mind so what the hell? You know?

6. I was thinking about getting my Jewish friend Abram a Christmas gift. A copy of Mein Kampf and an Easy-Bake Oven. Get it? What do you mean "insensitive"? Yeah...well...fuck you, too.

7. Once I create my time machine, all you bastards will be sorry. All of you!

8. Look, I had no idea it was your mother. We were at an Abe Vigoda fan convention. These things happen in the heat of the moment.

9. The truth is...I'm your real father. Nah...I'm just kidding. The truth is you have cancer. Sorry.

10. Seriously. Do not put that thing in your ass. I made that mistake too damn many times.

11. Mommy, why does Daddy always smell like booze and ass? Seriously. He smells very assy.

12. Soon all my evil plans will come to fruition. Soon. Mwa ha ha ha. What's that? Sorry. OK. Three egg McMuffins. Would you like a beverage with that?

13. Are you ready for the impending invasion of Giant Robots? For three small installments of $19.99, I can equip you with this fine piece of anti-Giant Robot craftsmanship.

14. Well son, I would get you one of those for Christmas, but as it turns out I've stopped loving you. Sorry.

15. Whatever you do...do not put that in the...oh shit. You did, didn't you? OK. We're fucked.

Comments :

0 comments to “15 Things I Have Never Overheard”

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails