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Wednesday, April 12, 2006

How To Start A Cult

One way to make lots of friends and create a nice sense of community is to join a cult. And even better method is to form a cult. That way you get all the respect and loads more sex....'cause your the guy in charge and you make the rules. Win Win Win, baby.

First off, you are going to need a story of some kind. For instance:

We believe that alien overlords from another planet, called Bearth, in an alternate dimension came to Earth many millenia ago. Finding nothing but primates, they genetically modified a few using their vast knowledge of science. Those primates grew to become humans.


Never underestimate the power of fear in keeping your followers in line:

In the future, the alien overlords will return and enslave all humans. We Bearthians, hope that by following our chosen path, we can please the alien overlords and when the horde returns, we will be placed in a position roughly akin to middle management. It beats being a basic slave, you know?


It is always good to have a nice visual aide for your pamphlets, too.





At this point, you should probably have some kind of code of conduct complete with strange rituals and bizarre rules.

Bearthians believe that the alien overlords have been surruptitiously communicating with the chosen few via episodes of Beavis and Butthead. We study the DVDs like scripture for clues.

Bearthians have a vehement hatred for the Sammy Hagar incarnation of Van Halen as well as the Salvation Army. Also, we believe that vodka a special elixer given to us by the alien overlords. All other booze is what happens when monkeys try to make vodka.

All beef/chicken/pork should only be eaten from the left side of the animal. The animal's left, not yours when you are looking at it. This has caused many problems in the past.

No country music can be listened to on Tuesdays.

Let no man wear fuscha...ever.

We believe that Roddy McDowell was pretty cool because he played a lot of neat apes in the Planet of the Apes series, both film and television. Additionally, "Dr. Zauis" is considered a swear word to Bearthians. A very serious one.

Soup sucks. It is the work of the unspoken of beast from Glaxian 4. A good hearty chili, however, is more than acceptable. It is believed to assist in releasing evil spirits from the colon.


Having set forth your rules and carefully crafted your cult origin story, now you can sit back and let the sex roll in. It is usually a good idea to incorporate orgies as some kind of ritual in your cult.

As the founder and most high important person, it's usually a good idea to give yourself a really cool title. Like Grand Exalted Ass-Kicker or High Priest Of Spanktastic Mojo. Something like that.

Side note: It isn't really a good idea to use Kool-Aid in your cult. That move got out of hand once.

Obviously, these are just some examples that we have provided. Feel free to use some, discard others, or completely make up your own. Remember, the stranger they are the better because regular people will treat cult members like idiots which will help keep your members insular and easier to control.

As a final thought, if you find that your cult starts to go sour, quickly turn it into a death cult. Just get everyone to commit mass suicide and then get the fuck out of there.

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