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Saturday, April 22, 2006

How To Get Free Drinks

If you enjoy booze (and why the hell wouldn't you?), then you know that is would kick fourteen kinds of ass if you could drink for free. Want to know a secret? You can!

I will admit that the first, and most obvious, way to get free drinks pretty much only works for women. Basically, you need to have tits.

Big ones...little ones...it doesn't matter at all. Show a little bit of cleavage and look a little lonely...somehow every man becomes Don Juan and suddenly you are inundated with free drinks.

Unfortunately, you will also have guys hitting on you left and right and you will have to be nice otherwise the free drink train comes to a screeching halt.

Actually, that isn't true. Even total bitches get free drinks. Hell...even ugly bitches get free drinks. A woman could have a peg leg, a hunchback, a third eye in the center of her forehead and be a total bitch...and she would still get free drinks in most bars.

The world isn't fair.

If you are a guy, you are kind of screwed. If you want free drinks you really only have two options.

One is to find the saddest and horniest chick in the county. Sit alone in a bar and steal glances at her from time to time. Eventually, she'll buy you a drink to break the ice and talk with you.

Of course, this could backfire wildly and she may simply walk up to you and say "We're both alone...both horny...wanna bump uglies?". If this happens, you are on your own. We have no advice.

Your other option is to make outrageous bets and hope you win. Actually, screw hope. Just cheat.

A method that works time and time again, but it isn't really suitable for everyone...is to have a talent. People like having talented people around them. Be funny. Be good looking (I know that isn't really a talent, but people like pretty people, too). Shit like that.

The more people want you around them, the more likely they are to purchase drinks on your behalf.

Another possibility that works as well for both women and men is to order a drink and while it is being poured, clearly and openly hold a $20 in your hand. The bartender will notice this and fall at ease. Once the drink is placed in front of you, point behind the bartender and scream "Hey, look! It's Jesus!" As the bartender turns his head, grab the drink and run like hell.

It works every time.

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