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Friday, March 10, 2006

Big Damn Things That Don't Exist

There are many things that people can sit around a debate the veracity of: the loch ness monster, bigfoot, possibility of time travel, aliens, etc. All of those are things that nobody really knows, so it can make for a lively debate. Especially if you have been abusing substances.

The following are some things that empirically do not exist. They aren't open to debate.

Unless, of course, we decide to write a rebuttal. Then, I guess, the debate will be open.

Men who don't want to have sex with Salma Hayek: If you are a male and you don't want to biblically know Salma...you are probably gay. Did I say probably? I mean definitely. I honestly believe that if a heterosexual man were to appear on this planet and truly not desire to have sexual relations with the raw hotness that is Salma Hayek...at that exact moment the fabric of space and time would rip and the universe would fold in on itself.

Women who never lie: There is no such beast. Her weight? Total bullshit. How much she spent shopping? A fat load of shit. How she never thinks about other men in a sexual way? Not one true word in her statement. Not one. You have a far better shot of being sexually molested by a marauding gang of yetis and unicorns than you do of finding a woman who will never ever lie. It's just not going to happen.

A good Billy Zane movie: It sure as hell isn't Posse. Nor it is Titanic. The more bad cinema I see this guy do, the more I feel sorry for him. I don't dislike him...but I'm starting to think his agent does.

A rabid Star Trek fan who has had sex with an attractive woman...without paying for it: Seriously. Tell me I'm wrong here.

A bad blowjob: I used to believe there was no such thing as a bad blowjob. Some that weren't as great as others, sure. But bad? Like...afterwards I would look at her and say "For the love of all things Burt Reynolds. never ever do that to me again. Actually, don't do it to anyone. It's just mean." I didn't think such a thing could happen. Then I got some bad head. Wow. Clearly, I was wrong. There is such a thing as a bad blowjob. And it will fuck you up.

A good reason to make another Jurassic Park movie: Nope. There is none. The first one had its moments. The second...um...sucked. The third might not have been all that bad...if I could get my brain past the fact that there appears to keep being more fucking islands filled with dinosaurs. How many damn islands have they pulled this shit on? It's getting ridiculous.

A highly dedicated vegan who doesn't piss me off: Nope. Never met one. I don't think they exist.

Movies with a "message" that don't suck: If I wanted to learn, I would have gone to college. Stop preaching and start blowing some shit up. That's what I paid $8 for.

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