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Saturday, March 4, 2006

Percy: A Tragedy

Percival Quinlan was a lost and lonely lad who was prone to carrying on interior monologues and various other escapist maneuvers.

Possessing a passion for the written word, young Percy was quite the bibliophile. One unfortunate ramification of this was his rude and obtrusive need to correct the grammar and pronunciation of those around him.

As nobody likes to feel like a fool, this culminated in many bouts of pugilism, none of which Percy ever came close to winning.

Receiving many an assbeating made Percy quite the jumpy lad, prone to becoming quite startled at any sudden sound.

Much to his dismay, Percy would find himself screaming aloud when spooked. Having no faculty for swearing, he was known to blurt out odd phrases such as "Great Gatsby" and "Sweet Creeping Kafka".

This, of course, simply led to further physical confrontations of which Percy was constantly on the losing side.

Poor Percy's home life was far from perfect as well. Once he spent eight weeks attempting to perfect a rudimentary time machine. This, obviously, wasn't going to come to fruition...but Percy slaved on none-the-less.

As he came nearer to his goal of staring up the machine, he called downstairs for his parents to come see his masterwork. Believing that since they hadn't seen him for four weeks they would be chomping at the bit to observe what he had been working on, he waited. And waited.

After calling three more times and waiting for three hours, it dawned on him that his family wasn't coming. He turned on the machine without them.

Nothing happened.

Undaunted, Percy began construction in the back yard of his family's house. With the solid belief that a nice gazebo would impress his parents, he broke ground and slaved away.

After two hours, the neighbor's dog broke free of his leash and mauled Percy mercilessly. As nobody replied to his agonizing cries, Percy was forced to endure four hours of mindnumbing pain.

As the day turned to night, the neighbor's called the dog home for dinner. Percy collapsed into a bloody heap. Three days later his family found him and cleaned him up.

Feeling alienated from both peers and parents, Percy decided to embrace solitude and become a writer. Unfortunately, he showed no talent at all. He gave up.

Eventually, distraught with his plight in life, Percy hung himself.

Nobody noticed.

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