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Tuesday, March 21, 2006

My Experiment With Invisibility

As a dedicated Big Damn Staff member, I am willing to try almost anything to bring you the funny. For this article, I thought I would try a social experiment.

I decided to spend an evening being invisible.

Not some bullshit daytime talk show "see how the world treats fat people" kind of invisible. I mean, actually invisible. Totally lacking in visible presence.

How did I attain this? Well, I can't tell you. Ryan stumbled onto the formula once when he was drunk (the guy is wicked smart when he has a few drinks in him) but completely forgot the recipe once he attained sobriety. Hence, we only have one small jar of the stuff left. I don't know what the hell is in it, but I probably wouldn't tell you even if I did. Sucks to be you. Get your own drunk scientist friend.

The first thing I can tell you about my evening is this: movies lie. If you are invisible...only you are invisible. Less so your clothing. It gets really fucking cold wandering around naked. Men: you will never be so terrified about keeping your wandering penis out of harms way. Especially when you can't see it. Seriously. It's scary.

Being one who is quite partial to brother booze, I decided to take this experiment to the local bar.

I know. All you guys are thinking that you would go into the ladies room and check out the chicks. Well...I couldn't. My wife was with me throughout this experiment. How the hell else would I pull it off? People would freak out if they saw a car driving down the road with nobody behind the wheel. And I'm not about to do the pedestrian thing. Walking sucks.

One of my first observations was that it is damn near impossible to get a drink at the bar when nobody can see you. Now I know how unattractive losers feel. I will make a mental note to be more kind towards the genetically challenged wookies of the world.

I tried throwing shit at the bartenders...but that just seemed to confuse them more. They just got really hostile and angry...and I remained invisible and sober.

From here on, I sent my wife to procure my alcoholic beverages.

After downing a few glasses of vodka, I felt the distinct urge to urinate. I thought it would be funny as hell to just walk around peeing on various people because they wouldn't be able to tell where it was coming from. But my wife said "Hell no". Such is my life. She doesn't take the comedy as seriously as I do.

Ambling towards the restroom was fun. I could just bump into people or throw various kung-fu like punches towards kidney areas with impunity. I almost started a bar fight as the people spun around looking for someone to blame. Being invisible is fun!

Until I got to the restroom. Here is a very important note for future invisible persons: if you are invisible and standing in front of a urinal, people cannot see you. The result is not good.

After waiting for the restroom to empty out so I could clean myself off (even drunk people notice faucets turning on and water splashing around unguided by a visible force), I headed back to my seat to find my wife carrying on a conversation with an empty seat wherein she believed me to be sitting. My favorite part was how frustrated she kept getting believing me to be ignoring her by not answering her questions.

My laughing abated after about ten minutes. Her anger continued for another twenty minutes.

No invisible sex for me that night. No visible sex for another week. See what I do for you people?

Basically, being invisible is pretty overrated. Plus, it got me ignored, peed upon, and completely cut off from marital loving for a week.

I would have to highly recommend you stay away from replicating this experiment.

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