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Saturday, March 4, 2006

The Earth: A Review

We all have unique families, cultures, styles of dress, etc. But one thing we all have in common (to the best of my knowledge) is that we were born on Earth.

The Earth, being that large slowly orbiting sphere that we all call home, is often taken for granted and casually overlooked. The most thought anyone gives to it is when that person sees a bumper sticker pleading to "Save The Earth"...but as far as I am concerned, the Earth seems to be doing OK. It still orbits the sun. It has grass, mud, air, clouds, and whatnot. Things seem to be going swimmingly as far as planets go.

But to be honest, it isn't a perfect planet.

For one thing, it is predominately covered with humans. These creatures have a tendency to behave in an irrational and stupefying manner. For more evidence of this, watch Fox television. Eventually a reality show will appear and that should seal the deal.

There are a great deal of insects on Earth. Far more than we really need. I think we could probably get that number down to about four to five different insects if we do some creative accounting. Just the good insects. Not the creepy ones. Those we will reserve for rubber copies to scare children at Halloween time.

Also, the planet itself is not what one would call soft. If a person stumbles and falls, pain is almost certain to ensue. I think a soft spongy material would be far better to build a planet out of. Possibly Nerf. Of course, you would always run the risk that some bored fat kid would start picking away at it. Like he did during school recess which led to there only being one complete Nerf football and fourteen others in various states of Nerf distress. Then we would have Nerf craters all over the place. At least they would be soft, though.

I'm not sure how we would grow grass in Nerf Turf, but I believe it is something that could be solved with the proper motivation. If we can a hybrid SUV, we ought to be able to lick the Nerf Turf conundrum. It would also be nice if those same engineers could make sure that the grass only grows so tall. Pushing a lawnmower on Nerf Turf would probably be a pain in the ass. Plus, mowing the lawn in general just sucks.

The Earth has way too many places that are covered in ice. Ice is very cold. Additionally, it isn't very soft. As we have previously noted, softness is key.

Occasionally, the Earth has volcanoes...which erupt. The spew forth magma which can be anywhere from 650 to 1200 °C. Which is 1202 to 2192 °F. Which is also, in layman's terms, really fucking hot. Extremely hot liquid coming at you is always a shitty thing.

The Earth only has one moon. Honestly. A planet that is supposed to kick as much ass as the Earth only has one fucking satellite.

Mercury has no known moon...but then again, Mercury sucks.

Venus is also considered to be moonless....it, too, sucks.

Mars has 2 moons, Phobos and Deimos. Both of which are pretty cool names.

Jupiter has 63 known moons. Which is a shitload if you think about it.

Saturn has 47 known moons. There may be more. Who knows?

Uranus has 27 known moons. And no...we aren't going to make a pathetic uranus joke. It is beneath us.

Neptune has 13 known moons. While that is considered an unlucky number, it is still 12 more moons than Earth has. Seriously. We are really good at math.

The moons of Pluto include Charon (which is the big one) and two others which were discovered in 2005. Charon is not only almost as big as Pluto, but is named after the ferryman of the dead. Pluto, however, was named after the idiot dog in Mickey Mouse cartoons.

The Earth was supposedly formed 4.57 billion years ago. That is a really long time. Nothing that old could possibly be cool. Eight tracks aren't even that old and they suck monkey pole.

Basically, the Earth is wildly overrated. Sure...it is the only known planet with life on it. Sure...it is where we all reside. Sure...it was the birthplace of Coca-Cola, Road House, and Zombie McQueen. But if you think about it, Nerfworld would be way better.

Plus...I'll bet it would have way more moons.

Earth - Rating: C -

Nerfworld - Rating: A

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