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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Big Damn Things That Kick Ass

The world is filled with myriad fascinating and interesting things. It is also filled with the disturbing and creepy. What a world!

To keep things on the lighter side, we would like to outline a few things that illustrate asskickery in the world.

Sushi: Seriously. Raw fish. Sounds disgusting...and yet tastes delightful. Kind of the opposite of cunnilingus. Who would have ever known that fish could kick this much ass. Well...other than the Japanese, of course. Obviously, they knew.

Zombie McQueen: Steve McQueen was pretty much the baddest ass guy ever. Hell, he hung out with Bruce Lee. The Bruce Lee. Now that he has shuffled off his mortal coil...he can return even more bad ass. As Zombie McQueen. Now the man is absolutely unstoppable.

Blowjobs: Honestly...these things kick more ass than even Stephen Hawking could calculate. I mean...guys can actually get someone to put their junk into her mouth? Wow. Then a dude just has to sit back and feel the warmth of awesome. Men, treat your women well. They've earned it.

Porn: This one is pretty self-explanatory.

Scott Stapp: At first he kicked ass for becoming famous in a shitty band that I could make fun of. Now he kicks even more ass for not being in that shitty band but still somehow providing me with humor almost every day. Who the hell gets arrested in an airport going to his honeymoon after the wedding? Well played, Stapp!

Pizza: Not only does it taste delightful....not only can I order it with just about anything in the world I could think of...not only is it basically a dessert masquerading as a meal....but I can actually get somebody to bring it to me. Wherever I am. That kicks so much ass.

Pizza Rolls: These things don't kick quite as much ass as pizza because they lose asskickery points for not being delivered right to my door. Otherwise...these tiny bastards are fucking delighful. Well worth the intestinal distress that is sure to follow.

The Air-Bud Movies: Just checking to see if you were really reading this stuff. Just a test. Relax. Air-Bud sucks.

Strippers: For a few bucks, an attractive girl will remove her clothes and make you feel like you are witty and important. Of course, this minor miracle only works within the confines of the strip club. Once you exit, you go right back to being a loser...only now you are a loser with less cash. This is where booze comes into play.

Booze: It makes a good time better and a bad time less easy to recall in the morning. Also, it has led to many marriages. And more than a few divorces. Also, it is probably single handedly responsible for more child births than anything else. Basically, booze makes the world go 'round.

Big Damn Funny: If you disagree...why the hell are you reading this?

Women With Low Standards: Because even fat dudes deserve some loving.

Road House: Easily one of the greatest films ever made. Think about it. Swayze + Elliot + Bar fights = the awesome. Thanks to the good people at TNT, I get to watch it about three times a day. When they aren't playing The Shawshank Redemption, of course.

My Ability To Master Time And Space: I'd go into it further, but your head might explode. OK...I made this one up.

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