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Saturday, February 4, 2006

Little Known Facts: Edition, The Fourth

An addendum to the earlier lists of Little Known Facts.

It's a little known fact that the unbridled success of Hands Across America could only be countered by the horrible failure of Ass Across Zimbabwe.

It's a little known fact that Jack the Ripper was rejected every single time he asked a women to skate with him during the moonlight skate.

It's a little known fact that Jesus flunked band class, and as he ran from the room, flute in hand, he yelled at the teacher, "my father will be hearing about this one... ass."

It's a little known fact that the most X-men ever in a phone booth at one time was 47, though many of them were shapeshifters, a couple of them were very small, and at least one was diabetic.

It's a little known fact that wheel barrels were first used to carry the enormous testicles of King Henry II. A poet monk wrote of the giant testes "Oh his sack is huge, Old Henry can make lots of splooge."

It's a little known fact that Thomas Jefferson owned slaves because, according to him, "That's how I roll."

It's a little known fact that the original quote was, "There's nothing to fear, but fear itself....and gypsy curses."

It's a little known fact that Soylent Green tastes better when its Schiavo.

It's a little known fact that Helen Keller could see, speak, and hear. She just lied about her disabilities to get closer to Anne Sullivan.....lesbo style.

It's a little known fact that The Thing from the Addams Family, and The Thing from Fantastic Four, often went hiking.

It's a little known fact that road rage is common among riverboats captains, who tend to call the phenomenon 'tributary rage,' or 'fjord rage.'

It's a little known fact that the worlds tallest buildings always have dreams to be little one floored buildings when they grow up.

It's a little known fact that no man is an island, except for that one guy who was, in fact, an island.

It's a little known fact that early on in every doctor's training, a proctology recruiter named Ted hangs out between classes and says things like, "Why don't you think about going into ass? Ass is where the real money's at."

It's a little known fact that bottles of Aunt Jemima syrup can also be used as voodoo dolls, but only if the victim happens to be a glass woman filled with syrup or similar gelatinous ooze.

It's a little known fact that 2% milk is actually 2% milk, 98% pure evil.

It's a little known fact that it took months after his death for the last will and testament of Dr. Seuss to be read to his surviving family and friends. Apparently, there was a very long list of conditions such as: it couldn't be read on a train. Or on a plane. Or in the rain. Nor in Maine.

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