Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Thursday, February 2, 2006

Great White People Throughout History

With the advent of Black History month, we have learned many fascinating and educational things about the achievements of Black Americans.

For instance, Dr. Charles Richard Drew devised the first system for the long term preservation of blood plasma which allowed storage for future blood transfusions.

Garrett Morgan created a gas mask in 1914 for rescuing mine workers. Eventually the American government asked him to produce masks for the U.S. Army.

And obviously, we all know that George Washington Carver did some crazy shit with peanuts.

But did you know that White people have discovered some amazing things, too? It's true!

How about air? You dig air? You use it to fly your kites in. You breathe it.

Guess what? It was discovered by a White guy.

Jonas Whitecracker (1882-1935) was just minding his own business one fine day in 1911 when he saw something shocking. What that shocking thing was is irrelevant (plus I don't feel like making something up about it), but regardless it was shocking, indeed. So shocking that he took in a great breath. He suddenly wondered what the hell he had just taken into his body.

Upon further investigation, Whitecracker discovered what we now call "air". Before Whitecracker, people didn't know what the fuck the were breathing and it scared the living shit out of them.

Johnny "Honky" Honkenberry (1703-1756) discovered that a human being can drink milk from a cow's teat. He was thirsty. Don't judge him.

In 1805, Richard Ofay (1785-1825) was walking down the country lane when he suddenly stopped and looked at what was beneath his feet. Guess what he discovered? That's right....dirt. Before Ofay, nobody knew what the hell they were walking on, nor did they really care to investigate. Thanks to dirt pioneer Ofay's discovery, we now have agriculture.

Harold Pastyface (1908-1948) was the first man to discover the poisonous effects of drinking industrial cleanser. R.I.P. Pastyface...you fearless pioneer.

Eugene Verywhite (1882-1910) founded the First Auxilary Mime Firefighting Brigade. Coming from a small town that couldn't afford any manner of firefighting equipement, Verywhite thought it might add levity to the situation by send forth a team to pantomime fighting fires whenever they arose. Sadly, the team was undertrained in both the art of mime and firefighting. Their first and last fire ended in the brigade losing 35 of their 38 members.

Unfortunately, White people are also responsible for NASCAR. On behalf of all White people I offer this: My bad. It seemed like a good idea...you know...beer...driving fast. Shit just got out of hand. Sorry.

Let the healing begin.

Comments :

0 comments to “Great White People Throughout History”

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails