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Sunday, December 3, 2006

Big Damn History: POTUS

As an addendum to an earlier article, we illustrate more instances of history being a curious thing.

The President Of The United States, or POTUS for those who are more comfortable with brevity, holds the highest position in the American government.

The election of a President can be time consuming and quite fractious. At times, this has led to sections of the government seceding and electing their own rival Presidents. These unofficial Presidents are now known as Anti-Presidents.

Thus far, there have been 138 Presidents and 47 Anti-Presidents. Many of those office holders (official and anti) have led interesting lives both within the Presidency and outside of it.

Thus far, there have been three Presidents and four Anti-Presidents who suffered from Lycanthropy. Some believed that Richard Nixon was also a werewolf, but he was, in fact, a vampire. He was just really hairy.

George Washington was trained in an especially effective school of kung fu. At the Battle of Monongahela, he killed 138 men with his bare hands. Unfortunately, there was a 139th man who subsequently escaped the wrath of Washington. His honor wounded, Washington ripped out all of his own teeth and ever after wore wooden dentures to remind him of his failure.

The Anti-President Jackson Pollock (no relation to the later Abstract-Impressionist painter of the same name) sired 132 children while attempting to govern America from his yacht The Real America which was anchored off the coast of Massachusetts. This yacht housed 350 citizens, 45 government members, and 100 ship employees. After pseudo-governing for 15 years, Pollock was assassinated by a young steward named Sirhan Hinckley Oswald.

It is well known that when William Howard Taft left the Presidency, he went on to serve as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What is less well known is that after he retired from the Supreme Court, he pursued his first love: rodeo clowning. His girth necessitated the construction of immensely large barrels for him to utilize while protecting rodeo riders from bulls. All in all, most clowns in this particular wing of the clowning industry are unanimous in their praise of his abilities. Legendary rodeo clown, Texas Pete Schwartz has stated: "That was one nimble fat ass".

Abraham Lincoln began his career as a private investigator. His clients were mostly people who feared that there was infidelity in their relationships. Lincoln's tireless work in this area later became the source for the popular television show Cheaters.


In further installments of this series, we will examine how John Adams fought off the pirate Mad Peter Shanks during an evening at the theater, James Monroe and his Monroe Doctrine For Eating Babies, as well as Martin Van Buren's interesting work with hamsters and time travel utilizing a machine he crafted from tampons and aluminum foil.

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