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Thursday, February 2, 2006

America: Our Version

America...land of the morbidly obese living side-by-side with the exceptionally vain and mostly plastic people. What a country!

But it wasn't always this way. Believe me, brother. No, sir. There was a time when America was just a vacation village for limeys who really, really didn't like the indigenous people.

Some of you may know the actual story behind the founding of America. For the rest of you...here's some shit we made up.

Plymouth Rock

Some believe this was simply the name of a rather large igneous mass. However, some scholars have a revolutionary notion that this was, in fact, the name of the first three day music festival on American soil. Predating Woodstock by 369 years, archeological digs have unearthed three flyers advertising the event. It appears that it was a B.Y.O.B. happening that was sponsored by Verizon.

The Boston Tea Party

The British declared that the colonists would have to pay British taxes even though that had no representation in the governance via the Westminster Parliament. School books tell us that the cry of "No taxation without representation" rallied the proto-Americans. New scholarship, however, paints a slightly different picture.

Evidence has come to light that shows the conversation went more along these lines:

Limey: Tally Ho, good chap! I sally forth to bring you news, posthaste by the by, that you will hereby be required to pay monies toward a new tax levied by the good King.

America: Fuck that noise.

So some Bostonians got properly lubed up on Newcastle and Bass (there was no Guinness in America at that time) and stumbled towards the docks. Being suitably shitfaced, their hazy fogridden brains surmised that dumping British tea into the harbor would be good fun.

The British, however, were quite dismayed as it was at least seven hours until tea time and the salt water wasn't the correct temperature to properly steep the tea.

Of course, this was many years before the Irish arrived in Boston. Had they been present, far more booze would have been imbibed and many a fight would have broken out.

The Revolution

This is where everything got interesting and many a History Channel documentary was born.

This wasn't "war" as the you think of it. No smart bombs. No guerilla action. No large armored vehicles.

Strangely enough, there were automatic weapons, but proper ammunition wouldn't be invented for another hundred years so their use was rather moot.

Back then, opposing armies would march towards an agreed upon area and wait until morning to engage in combat. While this may sound....well...rather pussy to the modern man, you must keep in mind that most of the participants (on both sides) were born in England. See?

There was some fighting and shit. Eventually America won.

Go NASCAR!

And that's one to grow on.

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