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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Big Damn Things That Kick Ass

The world is filled with myriad fascinating and interesting things. It is also filled with the disturbing and creepy. What a world!

To keep things on the lighter side, we would like to outline a few things that illustrate asskickery in the world.

Sushi: Seriously. Raw fish. Sounds disgusting...and yet tastes delightful. Kind of the opposite of cunnilingus. Who would have ever known that fish could kick this much ass. Well...other than the Japanese, of course. Obviously, they knew.

Zombie McQueen: Steve McQueen was pretty much the baddest ass guy ever. Hell, he hung out with Bruce Lee. The Bruce Lee. Now that he has shuffled off his mortal coil...he can return even more bad ass. As Zombie McQueen. Now the man is absolutely unstoppable.

Blowjobs: Honestly...these things kick more ass than even Stephen Hawking could calculate. I mean...guys can actually get someone to put their junk into her mouth? Wow. Then a dude just has to sit back and feel the warmth of awesome. Men, treat your women well. They've earned it.

Porn: This one is pretty self-explanatory.

Scott Stapp: At first he kicked ass for becoming famous in a shitty band that I could make fun of. Now he kicks even more ass for not being in that shitty band but still somehow providing me with humor almost every day. Who the hell gets arrested in an airport going to his honeymoon after the wedding? Well played, Stapp!

Pizza: Not only does it taste delightful....not only can I order it with just about anything in the world I could think of...not only is it basically a dessert masquerading as a meal....but I can actually get somebody to bring it to me. Wherever I am. That kicks so much ass.

Pizza Rolls: These things don't kick quite as much ass as pizza because they lose asskickery points for not being delivered right to my door. Otherwise...these tiny bastards are fucking delighful. Well worth the intestinal distress that is sure to follow.

The Air-Bud Movies: Just checking to see if you were really reading this stuff. Just a test. Relax. Air-Bud sucks.

Strippers: For a few bucks, an attractive girl will remove her clothes and make you feel like you are witty and important. Of course, this minor miracle only works within the confines of the strip club. Once you exit, you go right back to being a loser...only now you are a loser with less cash. This is where booze comes into play.

Booze: It makes a good time better and a bad time less easy to recall in the morning. Also, it has led to many marriages. And more than a few divorces. Also, it is probably single handedly responsible for more child births than anything else. Basically, booze makes the world go 'round.

Big Damn Funny: If you disagree...why the hell are you reading this?

Women With Low Standards: Because even fat dudes deserve some loving.

Road House: Easily one of the greatest films ever made. Think about it. Swayze + Elliot + Bar fights = the awesome. Thanks to the good people at TNT, I get to watch it about three times a day. When they aren't playing The Shawshank Redemption, of course.

My Ability To Master Time And Space: I'd go into it further, but your head might explode. OK...I made this one up.

Friday, February 10, 2006

15 Things You Shouldn't Say When She Asks If She Looks Fat

1. "It's not the outfit. I'm pretty sure it's your jibungous thighs that make you look fat."

2. "Hell no, honey. It's just that everything else in the room is proportionately smaller than you."

3. "It's probably more accurately all the Hostess Twinkies you eat that are making you look fat."

4. "Basically, I think the fact that you are fat is what is making you look fat."

5. "No honey. You're probably just retaining water because you are on your period."

6. "Yes."

7. "Look, stop blaming the clothing and get on a fucking stairmaster."

8. "No, honey. Cow print looks great on you. Oh...they're polka dots...my bad."

9. "Of course not, your entire wardrobe probably just shrunk in the wash."

10. "No baby. You just look healthy. Like you really enjoy food."

11. "Well, a salad now and then wouldn't kill you."

12. "Yes or no is very subjective."

13. "As opposed to....?"

14. "Hey, Orson Welles was heavy and that guy made Citizen Kane!"

15. "Nah. Your boobs are just really small."

More Little Known Quotes

We here at Big Damn Funny thought we should share some more little known quotes throughout history.

Incidentally, everything that follows is complete bullshit.

"Butter face? I don't get it."
- Abraham Lincoln (February 1863)

"I think I'll go ahead and get the breast reduction. It couldn't possibly harm my career."
- Jennifer Love Hewitt (2002)

"Fuck me! It's witch-tit cold out here!"
- George Washington [whilst crossing the Delaware] (December 1776)

"Does anyone have some Frank's Red Hot? This stuff is pretty bland."
- Unknown member of the Donner Party (April 1847)

"Jesus Christ! Is that a zombie?"
- Stuart Petermore [upon seeing Joan Rivers in person] (March 2003)

"Gay? Why in the world would you think I was gay? I'm all about the goon. What? Poon? Not goon? Yeah...I knew that. 'Cause I'm all about it."
- Liberace (June 1964)

"3 million? That's some pussy Hitler shit. I've killed way more than that. Hell, I've done more in an afternoon!"
- Joseph Stalin (April 1952)

"Check it. I'm gonna make a regular dude...but, like, really tiny."
- God [spoken to Michael] upon the creation of the midget

"What more does that bitch want me to cut off?"
- Vincent Van Gogh (December 1888)

"Map? Fuck that. I can do this."
- Amelia Earhart (July 1937)

"Dammit! Stop grinning like a fucking moron! I'm trying to paint you looking all serious and shit."
- Leonardo Da Vinci (November 1503)

"I know what we can do this afternoon...let's make a movie. I've got about seven bucks, some twine, and a hubcap. That ought to be enough for props. Let me get my skirt and we'll start."
- Ed Wood (July 1956)

"But I have a fucking coupon! Seriously, you do not want to make me angry. Just give me the damn discount."
- Bruce Banner [at Wal-Mart] (August 2004)

The Vagina, And All The Mysteries That Entails

Gentlemen, few things have mystified men as much as the vagina. You hear words like clitoris, vulva, g-spot and pelvic inflammatory disease. Guys, BDF is here to help you. Believe us, the cooch is no big deal.

The vagina is known by myriad colorful and imaginative names: vertical axe wound, veege, junkbox, pie, poozle, cooze, pooze, pussy, box o' wonder, cockpit, the squish, the pink, fuck hole, tuna factory, etc. But we digress.

As intimidating as this vessel of goodness may seem to the casual observer, to the journeyman its secrets are many and relatively untold.

The female orgasm? Yeah...that's not real.

G-Spot? Total bullshit.

We here at BDF can, however, tell you a few little known secrets about the vagina.

For instance, did you know that in a pinch, the warmth of the vagina can be used to heat your tea? It's true. Nasty...but true.

Also, the dark moistness of the vaginal region is eminently conducive to the surreptitious growth of marijuana. Seriously!

Let's turn to history for a moment. Did you know that Harriet Tubman smuggled 84 slaves to the north in the loving comfort of her vagina? Strange, but true. Granted...not all at once. But often times, two or three to a journey.

One might take a moment to hypothesize....if not for the want of a sympathetic vagina, we might still have Anne Frank writing bestsellers.

The greatest female magician in history, Jeanne The Amazing, was known to have hidden over 43 rabbits within her vagina for later use in her act. She had trained her vagina to be so spacious, she could afford to reveal the rabbits one by one throughout a show and even let children take them home with them!

The storage capacity of the vagina is damn near untold. Who knows what riches may be hidden in the delightful folds of the next woman you meet?

Did you know that the interior of a woman's vagina can reach temperatures up to 800°F? True! While most people will tell you to wear a condom to prevent unwanted births, we highly recommend it to protect your junk from those insanely warm places. Hell, its like an easy-bake oven in there. If you could lay a flat pan in there you could probably make cupcakes in about twenty minutes.

It is rarely discussed by those in the know, but a vagina gets great television and radio reception. If your having trouble getting a clear picture from your local channels, just run a wire to your nearest vagina and watch that signal come in crisp and clear. It's like having free cable.

In summation, what the world needs now, is not love sweet love...but vagina. Luscious, spacious, vagina.

Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Yet Another Short Piece Of Shitty Fiction

Another piece of shitty fiction to accompany the previous piece of shitty fiction.

The gentle breeze softly swayed the branches of the tree that the old man was sitting against. Propped up beneath the tall oak, the man fiddled with his banjo with one hand, while stirring the simmering pot with the other.

Down the road, a thin reedy man approached and stood a respectful distance away, waiting to be noticed by the elder man.

"Evenin' stranger." the old man delcared.

"Might I trouble you for some grub?" the stranger asked quietly.

"We earn our food with music making 'round these parts." the old man stated.

"Well, I don't play."

The old man eyed the stranger and ruminated for a moment. As he spat into the dirt he replied to the stranger.

"I guess you might be a touch fucked then, aren't you?"

The stranger dropped his head and thought for a few moments. He realized the truth of the old man's stinging rebuke.

"Well, I've accumulated a fair bit of wind from walking," the stranger stated, "I reckon I could fart you up a tune."

The old man nodded in reply.

"You like Gershwin?" the stranger asked.

"I'm more of a Stephen Foster man."

The stranger thought for a brief minute.

"I'm not too familiar, but if you start humming I'm sure my anus could catch up."

The old man began humming. Soon after the stranger began farting.

Later, they ate.

It was spring when the stranger first arrived. It was winter when he finally pushed on.

After the time they spent together, the old man would never be the same again.

Saturday, February 4, 2006

Little Known Facts: Edition, The Fourth

An addendum to the earlier lists of Little Known Facts.

It's a little known fact that the unbridled success of Hands Across America could only be countered by the horrible failure of Ass Across Zimbabwe.

It's a little known fact that Jack the Ripper was rejected every single time he asked a women to skate with him during the moonlight skate.

It's a little known fact that Jesus flunked band class, and as he ran from the room, flute in hand, he yelled at the teacher, "my father will be hearing about this one... ass."

It's a little known fact that the most X-men ever in a phone booth at one time was 47, though many of them were shapeshifters, a couple of them were very small, and at least one was diabetic.

It's a little known fact that wheel barrels were first used to carry the enormous testicles of King Henry II. A poet monk wrote of the giant testes "Oh his sack is huge, Old Henry can make lots of splooge."

It's a little known fact that Thomas Jefferson owned slaves because, according to him, "That's how I roll."

It's a little known fact that the original quote was, "There's nothing to fear, but fear itself....and gypsy curses."

It's a little known fact that Soylent Green tastes better when its Schiavo.

It's a little known fact that Helen Keller could see, speak, and hear. She just lied about her disabilities to get closer to Anne Sullivan.....lesbo style.

It's a little known fact that The Thing from the Addams Family, and The Thing from Fantastic Four, often went hiking.

It's a little known fact that road rage is common among riverboats captains, who tend to call the phenomenon 'tributary rage,' or 'fjord rage.'

It's a little known fact that the worlds tallest buildings always have dreams to be little one floored buildings when they grow up.

It's a little known fact that no man is an island, except for that one guy who was, in fact, an island.

It's a little known fact that early on in every doctor's training, a proctology recruiter named Ted hangs out between classes and says things like, "Why don't you think about going into ass? Ass is where the real money's at."

It's a little known fact that bottles of Aunt Jemima syrup can also be used as voodoo dolls, but only if the victim happens to be a glass woman filled with syrup or similar gelatinous ooze.

It's a little known fact that 2% milk is actually 2% milk, 98% pure evil.

It's a little known fact that it took months after his death for the last will and testament of Dr. Seuss to be read to his surviving family and friends. Apparently, there was a very long list of conditions such as: it couldn't be read on a train. Or on a plane. Or in the rain. Nor in Maine.

Thursday, February 2, 2006

Great White People Throughout History

With the advent of Black History month, we have learned many fascinating and educational things about the achievements of Black Americans.

For instance, Dr. Charles Richard Drew devised the first system for the long term preservation of blood plasma which allowed storage for future blood transfusions.

Garrett Morgan created a gas mask in 1914 for rescuing mine workers. Eventually the American government asked him to produce masks for the U.S. Army.

And obviously, we all know that George Washington Carver did some crazy shit with peanuts.

But did you know that White people have discovered some amazing things, too? It's true!

How about air? You dig air? You use it to fly your kites in. You breathe it.

Guess what? It was discovered by a White guy.

Jonas Whitecracker (1882-1935) was just minding his own business one fine day in 1911 when he saw something shocking. What that shocking thing was is irrelevant (plus I don't feel like making something up about it), but regardless it was shocking, indeed. So shocking that he took in a great breath. He suddenly wondered what the hell he had just taken into his body.

Upon further investigation, Whitecracker discovered what we now call "air". Before Whitecracker, people didn't know what the fuck the were breathing and it scared the living shit out of them.

Johnny "Honky" Honkenberry (1703-1756) discovered that a human being can drink milk from a cow's teat. He was thirsty. Don't judge him.

In 1805, Richard Ofay (1785-1825) was walking down the country lane when he suddenly stopped and looked at what was beneath his feet. Guess what he discovered? That's right....dirt. Before Ofay, nobody knew what the hell they were walking on, nor did they really care to investigate. Thanks to dirt pioneer Ofay's discovery, we now have agriculture.

Harold Pastyface (1908-1948) was the first man to discover the poisonous effects of drinking industrial cleanser. R.I.P. Pastyface...you fearless pioneer.

Eugene Verywhite (1882-1910) founded the First Auxilary Mime Firefighting Brigade. Coming from a small town that couldn't afford any manner of firefighting equipement, Verywhite thought it might add levity to the situation by send forth a team to pantomime fighting fires whenever they arose. Sadly, the team was undertrained in both the art of mime and firefighting. Their first and last fire ended in the brigade losing 35 of their 38 members.

Unfortunately, White people are also responsible for NASCAR. On behalf of all White people I offer this: My bad. It seemed like a good idea...you know...beer...driving fast. Shit just got out of hand. Sorry.

Let the healing begin.

Salad Days At The Algonquin

In June 1919, a few friends in New York began meeting at the Algonquin Hotel for lunch. Bonded by their quick minds and their witticisms, the group came to be well known throughout New York and beyond.

Often imortalized in book and film, the rapier-like wit of the members of the Algonquin Round Table is legendary. Unfortunately, the complete content of their various discussions hasn't been known...until now.

BDF has discovered some audio recordings and we have transcribed one of their conversations and share it with you now.

Harold Ross: (filling a pipe) Does anyone happen to have a match?

George S. Kaufman: Indeed. Your face and my ass.

Alexander Woollcott: Zing!

Ross: Yes, well...that's all well and good but I really do need something for my pipe.

Dorothy Parker: That's what your wife says.

Woollcott: Wit-tay!

Ross: Look, get fucked. I need a light.

Kaufman: You know, old boy...I'm not sure which is sweeter...this tea or they way your wife services my cock.

Ross: I will fucking kill you!

Woollcott: Knock knock.

Kaufman: Who's there?

Woollcott: Fuck you, that's who!

Kaufman: Well played!

Ross: Seriously. I just want a light for my fucking pipe.

Parker: Eat shit.

Woollcott: How droll!

Ross: Fuck all of you assholes. I'm leaving.

And with repartee like that, they marched into history, blazing a trail or urbane wit for all who followed.

Well played, gentlemen (and ladies), well played indeed!

America: Our Version

America...land of the morbidly obese living side-by-side with the exceptionally vain and mostly plastic people. What a country!

But it wasn't always this way. Believe me, brother. No, sir. There was a time when America was just a vacation village for limeys who really, really didn't like the indigenous people.

Some of you may know the actual story behind the founding of America. For the rest of you...here's some shit we made up.

Plymouth Rock

Some believe this was simply the name of a rather large igneous mass. However, some scholars have a revolutionary notion that this was, in fact, the name of the first three day music festival on American soil. Predating Woodstock by 369 years, archeological digs have unearthed three flyers advertising the event. It appears that it was a B.Y.O.B. happening that was sponsored by Verizon.

The Boston Tea Party

The British declared that the colonists would have to pay British taxes even though that had no representation in the governance via the Westminster Parliament. School books tell us that the cry of "No taxation without representation" rallied the proto-Americans. New scholarship, however, paints a slightly different picture.

Evidence has come to light that shows the conversation went more along these lines:

Limey: Tally Ho, good chap! I sally forth to bring you news, posthaste by the by, that you will hereby be required to pay monies toward a new tax levied by the good King.

America: Fuck that noise.

So some Bostonians got properly lubed up on Newcastle and Bass (there was no Guinness in America at that time) and stumbled towards the docks. Being suitably shitfaced, their hazy fogridden brains surmised that dumping British tea into the harbor would be good fun.

The British, however, were quite dismayed as it was at least seven hours until tea time and the salt water wasn't the correct temperature to properly steep the tea.

Of course, this was many years before the Irish arrived in Boston. Had they been present, far more booze would have been imbibed and many a fight would have broken out.

The Revolution

This is where everything got interesting and many a History Channel documentary was born.

This wasn't "war" as the you think of it. No smart bombs. No guerilla action. No large armored vehicles.

Strangely enough, there were automatic weapons, but proper ammunition wouldn't be invented for another hundred years so their use was rather moot.

Back then, opposing armies would march towards an agreed upon area and wait until morning to engage in combat. While this may sound....well...rather pussy to the modern man, you must keep in mind that most of the participants (on both sides) were born in England. See?

There was some fighting and shit. Eventually America won.

Go NASCAR!

And that's one to grow on.

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