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Tuesday, January 3, 2006

Sweden: A Review

In our ongoing attempt to educate and entertain, we bring you another completely made up article about a country we know absolutely nothing about. Let the bullshit begin!

Extending into the reaches of the arctic circle we find the home of the Swedes. Although parts of the country are drowning in darkness for months of the year, Sweden is a land of wonderful, if little known, things.

Historians aren't quite certain how Sweden got its name. There are at least two main theories. One camp claims that the name was chosen by one King Woodford the Great. KW the G (as we will call him) was an ancient ruler who realized that while quite warm and snugly, wearing a buttload of fur was not very practical in fighting and therefore not conducive to his overall goal of total world domination. He gathered his top advisers and the most skilled weaver (who incidentally was also his mistress) and created a new style of clothing: the sweater. This, of course, begat many variations ultimately culminating in "the sweater-vest" which can still be seen today. Mostly on the socially inept.

Far and wide KW the G's vast armies marched snug and with free range of motion due to the sweater. After five years of war campaigning, KW the G decided that an excellent tribute to this wonderful creation would be to name his country after it. Hence, Sweaterdom was born. Of course, over the ensuing years it was whittled down to simply "Sweaten" and then eventually "Sweden".

Another theory is that the name is derived from the country's historical deep love of junk food. Particularly sugar products. Specifically, candy.

For centuries, Sweden has been known for its many delicacies, the most well known being "Chottle". Chottle is Sweden's version of the popular candied earthworm. Some historians believe that chottle was such a favorite with Charlemagne that it was he himself who gave Sweden its name. Initially, he called it "Sweetland" but, of course, it was shortened to "Sweden" over the following centuries.

It is difficult for historians to definitely claim which story is correct as there is ample evidence for both theories. The sweater led to a very distinct fashion style in Sweden where even today most clothing (even undergarments) are predominately crocheted or heavily knit by the town whores.

Also, throughout Sweden the most popular professions are dentistry and candymaking. Just as the Eskimo has hundreds of words for snow, Sweden has over three thousand words for candy. No shit.

Now granted, pretty much everything that preceded this sentence appears to be complete horseshit. But it could be true.

You don't know.

Sweden - Rating: B-

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