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Thursday, January 12, 2006

Pranks My Wife Won't Let Me Perform

The following are some ideas I had for pranks I wanted to pull...but was completely unable to do so as my wife slapped a vigorous veto on my ass.

The Baldness Cure

The idea was to slowly shave male pattern baldness so it appears that I am going bald over a year to a year in a half. Then...I would just let it grow back.

Of course, I would tell all my balding friends that I discovered a kick-ass product that had completely restored my hair.

Something goofy as hell...like spreading Skippy peanut butter on my head. Not any peanut butter, mind you. Only Skippy brand peanut butter.

I wanted to see how many people would be dumb enough to spread peanut butter on their heads.

In light of the time required for this prank, Victoria put the kibosh on it immediately.

The Tribute Band

I wanted to put together a tribute band and enter a battle-of-the-bands contest.

The catch is that rather than choose a band with notable and popular hits, we would be a tribute band for someone with only one hit.

Thus, The Tommy Tutone Experience.

Basically, we would just play 867-5309/Jenny about five times in a row and then leave the stage....with the satisfied arrogant manner of a group that just rocked the hell out of that crowd.

Again, Victoria said "no".

The Comedy Club

The idea was complete audience manipulation. I wanted to go up on an open mic night and just plain suck. Bad. Bomb hard so the audience just fucking hates me.

But in the back of the room would be a friend who would start heckling me so viciously that the idea was to see if we could get the audience to turn on him and begin to cheer for me. Even though I suck. Even though they hated me earlier. Because now...I am the underdog. The completely annoying and untalented underdog.

Victoria said "no", of course, but the real problem is I couldn't find anyone with the balls to either flame out on stage as I heckle the shit out of them, or be a total fucker whilst I bomb. My friends are pussies.

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