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Thursday, January 5, 2006

In Defense Of Booze

Booze. Without it, the world would be uninhabitable. Seriously.

There is one guy I just plain don't like. I've never liked him. One time, Ryan and I got drunk with him. All of the sudden...they guy became funny. Not "Holy Fuck! I gotta write that shit down" funny. But funny nonetheless.

So overwhelmed was I with his newfound funniness, I actually looked him dead in the eye and said "You know...I don't like you. Never did. But right now, you are funny as hell and I like you." He looked back at me puzzled and asked why I had never liked him. I shrugged and said "Let's get more booze!". He agreed.

Of course, three hours later I stopped liking him and again and we have maintained that status ever since. But for one brief shining moment...I actually liked the guy.

That, boys and girls, is the magic of booze.

I submit that if most of you fuckers weren't so damn difficult to get along with then I wouldn't need to drink just to tolerate you. But I'm a people person. So I drink. And that makes it easier for me to like you.

Without booze, there would be no frat houses. Without the natural brain lubrication of hooch, there is no way in hell you could have that many guys living together without having it turn into some Lord of the Flies type shit.

That was the problem with Lord of the Flies...no booze. With booze, all problems just melt away.

If not for booze, you wouldn't have had a fraction of the sex you have had. Don't lie. If you looked like Brad Pitt you wouldn't be fucking around on Big Damn Funny. You would be too busy being good looking and fighting off all the tail being thrown at you.

Some may argue that booze is great because it liberates you to do stupid shit that you can film and put on the internet.

To you guys I say this: you are abusing the booze.

Booze is about building bridges. It's about giving us hope that while maybe tomorrow will suck on an equal plane as today...at least I can make the bad thoughts go away for a couple of hours. Plus, it will give me the liquid resolve to go have sex with that Yeti at the end of the bar.

Yetis need love, too.

Drink up. Do it for the Yetis.

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