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Sunday, January 15, 2006

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

Yet another wonderful piece of writing from our little pal Timmy Smith.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

The Blog Of Timmy's Teacher

Dear Diary,

I don’t know how much more of this little shit I can take. I’ve tried to be understanding about his home life, but sometimes I want to throw that dumb fuck through a wall.

Last week, I assigned the class an art project that I thought was pretty mundane: Draw your living room. That seemed easy enough. When Class was over, Timmy asked if he could finish his project at home, because he said he wasn’t done. I thought “Thank God! That little bastard is finally taking and interest in something.” He brought it in the next day, which was a first. However the theme wasn’t exactly what I was going for.

Trying to be a supportive teacher, I simply told him, “Nice drawing,” and quickly put it in my desk. On my lunch, I called his mother to see if she could come in after school some time for a brief conference. I was hoping that by showing her the picture, she’d realize how her actions were affecting Timmy. I mean, what parent doesn’t want the best for their child?

So Mrs. Timmy’s Mother ( I don’t even know her last name) shows up today, a half an hour late, of course. The woman was enough to make a porn star blush. I tried to explain nicely that this wasn’t exactly an appropriate drawing for school. She said,

“I know, I’m sorry. I told him he really should leave the beer cans out.” I was dumbstruck. Then she opened her swollen lips (from collagen or fellatio — I have no idea) again. “But you have to admit he has a real gift.”

A GIFT? For WHAT? Disrupting my class? Pissing me off? What? But what actually came out was,

“Excuse me?”

“For drawing. My kid’s a dumb shit, but he draws real nice.”

I almost died. After a few more minutes of small talk, and a promise from her that she’d make sure he did his homework now on, the slut finally left.

Today I assigned an essay, “What I want to be when I grow up.” I’m scared already. Timmy was very excited about the project. I could have sworn I heard him say,

“Cool. When I grow up, I want to be a chimp.” At least, that’s what I thought he said.

Friday, January 13, 2006

10 Haikus About Fish

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are 10 haikus about fish.

I often dig cod
'Tis a flavor I savor
Man, I dig that fish

Tuna is tasty
It comes from deep in the sea
Fuck dolphins, I say

I met a fish once
He talked to me for a while
I need to quit drugs

Going down my throat
A goldfish feels like a peach
Don't ask how I know

Whitefish is quite good
Now that that's out of the way
I had sex last night!

I got a new fish
Last week at a carnival
Yesterday it died

I met a girl once
She kind of looked like a fish
Seriously, man

I like to catch fish
To prove who is the man
Those fish are bitches

Salmon is quite good
Although its much like tuna
OK...tuna rules

I shot a man once
The man looked at me funny
Oh yeah...I like fish

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Pranks My Wife Won't Let Me Perform

The following are some ideas I had for pranks I wanted to pull...but was completely unable to do so as my wife slapped a vigorous veto on my ass.

The Baldness Cure

The idea was to slowly shave male pattern baldness so it appears that I am going bald over a year to a year in a half. Then...I would just let it grow back.

Of course, I would tell all my balding friends that I discovered a kick-ass product that had completely restored my hair.

Something goofy as hell...like spreading Skippy peanut butter on my head. Not any peanut butter, mind you. Only Skippy brand peanut butter.

I wanted to see how many people would be dumb enough to spread peanut butter on their heads.

In light of the time required for this prank, Victoria put the kibosh on it immediately.

The Tribute Band

I wanted to put together a tribute band and enter a battle-of-the-bands contest.

The catch is that rather than choose a band with notable and popular hits, we would be a tribute band for someone with only one hit.

Thus, The Tommy Tutone Experience.

Basically, we would just play 867-5309/Jenny about five times in a row and then leave the stage....with the satisfied arrogant manner of a group that just rocked the hell out of that crowd.

Again, Victoria said "no".

The Comedy Club

The idea was complete audience manipulation. I wanted to go up on an open mic night and just plain suck. Bad. Bomb hard so the audience just fucking hates me.

But in the back of the room would be a friend who would start heckling me so viciously that the idea was to see if we could get the audience to turn on him and begin to cheer for me. Even though I suck. Even though they hated me earlier. Because now...I am the underdog. The completely annoying and untalented underdog.

Victoria said "no", of course, but the real problem is I couldn't find anyone with the balls to either flame out on stage as I heckle the shit out of them, or be a total fucker whilst I bomb. My friends are pussies.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Still More Little Known Facts

An addendum to the earlier lists of Little Known Facts.

It's a little known fact that most windows are naturally opaque, and do not become translucent until puberty.

It's a little known fact that the first witch trial may have been based upon a case of crabs, as the accusation was that Goody Mather "hath a nest o' demons in her pubis."

It's a little known fact that pro football players, when having a huddle on the field, are most often talking about you behind your back.

It's a little known fact: In an unaired episode of Gilligan's Island, the Skipper crucifies Gilligan while Mr. Howe films on a video camera made out of coconuts and snot.

It's a little known fact that neanderthal and cro-magnon man used to have annual volleyball contests to see who would get to live to see the Renaissance. Many giant ground sloth onlookers were heard to say that the cro-magnons cheated, but then, they couldn't outrun the cro-magnon's, could they?

It's a little known fact: The very first Siamese Triplets were named Isosceles, Equilateral, and Phil.

It's a little known fact that Vin Diesel's dignity was sold on eBay for some Chiclets and a bag of molasses.

It's a little known fact: Brokeback Mountain, the new hit gay cowboy movie, was originally titled The Jolly Ranchers.

It's a little known fact that the first batteries were powered by the souls of the damned.

It's a little known fact that authors cant write past page 172 in any book they may be writing. Anything in a book beyond that page is written by a poor overworked man named Jimmy who lives in the Bronx.

It's a little known fact that much like Peter Parker, five other people have been bitten by radioactive spiders. Unfortunately, they didn't so much gain superpowers but instead died horrible deaths.

It's a little known fact that the goddess Nike actually preferred Reeboks.

It's a little known fact that fondue pots can be used as bedpans in dire emergency, however, bedpans do not work as fondue post, even in fondue emergencies.

It's a little known fact that wrestlers in ancient Olympics fought nude, and that a crowd pleasing favorite move was the testiclobber.

It's a little known fact that grapes become raisins only if you are traveling forward in time.

It's a little known fact that in times of dire stress, a pleading limerick followed by a ribald musical fart will call forth Huitzilopochtli.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

15 Signs You May Be Guilty Of Murder

1. The glove fit...they didn't acquit.

2. You very much admire Lizzie Bordon.

3. You are standing over a corpse and holding a bloody knife...which you previously thrust into the body 16 times.

4. You strongly feel that the bitch had it coming.

5. Your neighbor's dog gives you orders...which you obey.

6. The term Helter Skelter has more meaning for you than it does for others.

7. You're a clown and you fuck children...who later come to reside under your porch.

8. You watch CSI as a study guide.

9. Daddy didn't hug you enough....now they all must pay!

10. You often find yourself drenched in blood.

11. The police are after you.

12. Often times you find it soothing to flay a dude.

13. You have an episode of America's Most Wanted devoted to you.

14. The voices inside your head assure you that your work has earned Satan's respect and will be granted everlasting life in Hell.

15. You killed a man.

Monday, January 9, 2006

Another Short Piece Of Shitty Fiction

Another piece of shitty fiction to accompany the previous piece of shitty fiction.

"She sure was one funny broad", the man mumbled to himself. After leaving the bordello, he ambled around aimlessly for a brief while trying desperately to discover something to do.

The man stopped abruptly, unzipped his pants, and began to relieve himself. He waited to see if there was an accompanying burning sensation. There wasn't. "Good," he thought, "hopefully she didn't have the clap." After watering the pavement for a full minute, he continued on his way.

Spying a bar down the road, he aimed his wandering form in that direction and continued on his way. Passing a dirty alley between two buildings, the man noticed a few drunkards. They appeared to be traipsing about on another plane of consciousness. Comfortably enmeshed in the arms of Morpheus. To be blunt, the fuckers were passed out.

The man turned down the alley thinking about dropping a few bills on the harmless drunks. Stepping across a large bundle of trash he heard a yelp.

"Hey, fucko. Watch yourself".

The man looked down and saw a clown. The guy was seriously all duded up in a clown outfit. Makeup and all. It took all the man had to stifle the giggle building up inside him.

"What?" the angry clown demanded.

"Nothin'. Sorry" the man stated and turned away.

Suddenly, he saw a flash in his eyes and his bowels almost completely gave way. That fucking clown had smacked him in the yambag with his oversized clown shoe.

"Who's laughing now, fucko?" the clown growled.

The man shook his head until his vision cleared, turned, and took a violent swing in the direction of the clown. He missed. The clown, who was amazingly nimble, ducked the oncoming blow and launched another volley of nut shots via his giant shoe.

The man took three more shots to the sack and fumbled to his knees. The last thing he saw was a large white clown fist slamming into his face.

When the man awoke a few minutes later, he found himself propped up against a wall with the clown sitting opposite him. The clown was perusing the contents of the man's wallet.

"Toby?" the clown asked.

"What's it to ya?" the man replied.

"But Toby...I'm your brother."

The man squinted and tried to make out some features through the garish clown makeup. Sure enough, he did resemble Timothy, although Toby hadn't seen him in years.

"Timothy? Shit. I haven't seen you in years. What the hell have you been up to?"

The clown shrugged.

"I been a fucking clown. Look at me." He shrugged again. "Sorry about your nuts."

The clown helped the man to his feet and they both headed out of the alley and toward the bar for a few drinks to catch up on old times.

At that moment, a flying Neanderthal man swooped down and decapitated both of them with a rather large warhammer. The clown's head bounced three times before resting near a curb.

Ironically enough, he wasn't really Toby's brother. He had simply seen some old letters from Timothy in Toby's wallet and ran with it. In truth, he was just some fucking clown looking for a free drink. Frankly, that crazy Neanderthal saved Toby a few bucks. Granted, he killed him, but still.

Little Known Quotes

Groucho Marx once said "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

Oscar Wilde once noted that "Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known."

Those are widely known quotes. Throughout history the authors of various compendiums of quotes have left out quite a few lesser known quotes.

We here at Big Damn Funny thought we should share some little known quotes throughout history.

Incidentally, everything that follows is complete bullshit.

"This looks like a shortcut."
- George Donner (July 1846)

"Cherry? Fuck. I was hoping for grape."
- Jim Jones (November 1978)

"Johnny and Jodie sitting in a tree...."
- John Hinkley, Jr. (March 1981)

"You didn't cum? Well, sucks to be you. I'm going to sleep."
- John Wayne Bobbit [spoken to his wife] (June 1993)

"Fuckers want more milk, do they? I'll give them something..."
- Mrs. O'Leary's Cow (October 1871)

"Fuck it. We're on a roll. Let's take Russia, too."
- Napoleon Bonaparte (June 1812)

"You like pizza, too? Damn. We have a lot in common. We should hang out."
- Nathan Leopold, Jr. [spoken to Richard Loeb] (May 1924)

"Seriously. The mother ship is hiding in the tail of the Hale-Boppe comet. Like I would make this shit up?"
- Marshall Applewhite (March 1997)

"I'm tired of rockin' hard. Let's just do power ballads from now on."
- Steven Tyler [spoken to the other members of Aerosmith] (1993)

"Damn. You are really good at beer-pong. OK. I lose. So...what now? I gotta be in that arm wrestling movie of yours?"
- Sylvester Stallone (1987)

"Come on. It's just a blow job. Who's gonna know?"
- Bill Clinton (1998)

"Look. Just put some tape on the door latch. Nobody is gonna notice. We'll be in and out in no time."
- James W. McCord, Jr. (June 1972)

Sunday, January 8, 2006

5 Haikus About Burt Reynolds

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are 5 haikus about Burt Reynolds.

He posed for Cosmo
The man with the famous 'stache
We like Burt Reynolds

Burt has a nice 'stache
Canonball Run sucked my ass
Bandit was sweet, though

Burt fuckin' Reynolds
The fucker kicked so much ass
Pimping O.J.? Lame.

Burt kicks so much ass
Best Little Whorehouse In Texas
Seriously, dude.

But it would have been better
If they had cast Burt

Thursday, January 5, 2006

In Defense Of Booze

Booze. Without it, the world would be uninhabitable. Seriously.

There is one guy I just plain don't like. I've never liked him. One time, Ryan and I got drunk with him. All of the sudden...they guy became funny. Not "Holy Fuck! I gotta write that shit down" funny. But funny nonetheless.

So overwhelmed was I with his newfound funniness, I actually looked him dead in the eye and said "You know...I don't like you. Never did. But right now, you are funny as hell and I like you." He looked back at me puzzled and asked why I had never liked him. I shrugged and said "Let's get more booze!". He agreed.

Of course, three hours later I stopped liking him and again and we have maintained that status ever since. But for one brief shining moment...I actually liked the guy.

That, boys and girls, is the magic of booze.

I submit that if most of you fuckers weren't so damn difficult to get along with then I wouldn't need to drink just to tolerate you. But I'm a people person. So I drink. And that makes it easier for me to like you.

Without booze, there would be no frat houses. Without the natural brain lubrication of hooch, there is no way in hell you could have that many guys living together without having it turn into some Lord of the Flies type shit.

That was the problem with Lord of the Flies...no booze. With booze, all problems just melt away.

If not for booze, you wouldn't have had a fraction of the sex you have had. Don't lie. If you looked like Brad Pitt you wouldn't be fucking around on Big Damn Funny. You would be too busy being good looking and fighting off all the tail being thrown at you.

Some may argue that booze is great because it liberates you to do stupid shit that you can film and put on the internet.

To you guys I say this: you are abusing the booze.

Booze is about building bridges. It's about giving us hope that while maybe tomorrow will suck on an equal plane as today...at least I can make the bad thoughts go away for a couple of hours. Plus, it will give me the liquid resolve to go have sex with that Yeti at the end of the bar.

Yetis need love, too.

Drink up. Do it for the Yetis.

5 Threats In The Form of Haiku

We are all familiar with the literary form Haiku. Seventeen syllables divided into three lines: 5,7,5. The following are 5 violent threats in the form of Haiku.

Your Kung Fu is good
But it is no match for mine
I will kick your ass

You should be afraid
For I have kicked much ass, friend
And yours will be next

You have a bruise on you
It's not there just yet...but soon
When I hit your face

You think you are tough
But I laugh at you, pussy
I could beat your ass

Once I hit a man
So hard he forgot his name
I call him "that guy".

Wednesday, January 4, 2006

Big Damn Poetry: The Revenge

For your intellectual and artistic edification, we offer a few more choice and tasty morsels of poetics.


I dig booze
and booze digs me
but when I drink
I have to pee.

Bar bathrooms are nasty
I don't like them at all
I do enjoy the poems
written on the wall.

I don't drink and drive
I'm no wuss, I am male
It's just that my wife
won't come and pay bail.

My Job

I really love my job
They treat me like a dog
My boss is a pain
And clearly insane
He also resembles a hog.

This Poem

You might be disappointed,
For this is just a rhyme.
This is all I wrote this week,
I didn't have much time.
If that's a fucking problem,
Then you can cry...boo hoo.
Cause I'm not writing something else,
Ha ha! Sucks to be you.

15 Exceptionally Verbose "Yo Mama" Jokes

1. The woman from whose loins you sprang is so obese that when she lounges around the abode, she quite literally lounges around the abode!

2. The spouse of your father is so unintelligent that when she elects to enjoy the work of the rap artist known as 50 Cent she has been known to raise two quarters to her ear and listen intently.

3. Your female human parent is so underweight that on one occasion she pivoted to the side and all trace of her existence was gone!

4. The daughter of your grandfather is so lacking in both money and material possessions that I once observed her kicking the steel container of soup down the road. Upon questioning her reasons for doing so, the aforementioned female intoned "Moving"!

5. The cranium of your mother is so gargantuan that she is forced to step into her shirts.

6. The upper division of your mother's body which houses the brain is so colossal that is occasionally appears on military grade radar.

7. The domicile of your family's matriarch is so diminutive that upon receiving a previously ordered pizza pie, she is forced to exit the building to ingest it.

8. The woman in whose womb you spent nine months has a proboscis which is so pronounced that it has been known to cause undue strain to her spinal column.

9. You mother is miniature in stature that she has been known to seek employment by posing for trophies.

10. Your female parent is so trivially undersized that she must utilize a ladder to pick up a dime.

11. Your mother is so distasteful in appearance that upon entering an ugly contest, she was waylaid at the door by judges who informed her that professionals were not authorized entry.

12. Your mother is so grotesquely unattractive that your grandmother was forced to become intoxicated just to bring her to the teat.

13. The man whom your father married and spawned you with is so repugnant that in a curious turn of events, she actually turned the famed gorgon Medusa into stone.

14. Your mother is so humble in the bosom that she finds herself envying the relative dimensions of a book.

15. Your mother is so lackadaisical in demeanor that she found herself in the final position whilst competing in a footrace against snails.

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

What I Did On Winter Break

A sweet wintery piece of writing from our little pal Timmy Smith.

Sweden: A Review

In our ongoing attempt to educate and entertain, we bring you another completely made up article about a country we know absolutely nothing about. Let the bullshit begin!

Extending into the reaches of the arctic circle we find the home of the Swedes. Although parts of the country are drowning in darkness for months of the year, Sweden is a land of wonderful, if little known, things.

Historians aren't quite certain how Sweden got its name. There are at least two main theories. One camp claims that the name was chosen by one King Woodford the Great. KW the G (as we will call him) was an ancient ruler who realized that while quite warm and snugly, wearing a buttload of fur was not very practical in fighting and therefore not conducive to his overall goal of total world domination. He gathered his top advisers and the most skilled weaver (who incidentally was also his mistress) and created a new style of clothing: the sweater. This, of course, begat many variations ultimately culminating in "the sweater-vest" which can still be seen today. Mostly on the socially inept.

Far and wide KW the G's vast armies marched snug and with free range of motion due to the sweater. After five years of war campaigning, KW the G decided that an excellent tribute to this wonderful creation would be to name his country after it. Hence, Sweaterdom was born. Of course, over the ensuing years it was whittled down to simply "Sweaten" and then eventually "Sweden".

Another theory is that the name is derived from the country's historical deep love of junk food. Particularly sugar products. Specifically, candy.

For centuries, Sweden has been known for its many delicacies, the most well known being "Chottle". Chottle is Sweden's version of the popular candied earthworm. Some historians believe that chottle was such a favorite with Charlemagne that it was he himself who gave Sweden its name. Initially, he called it "Sweetland" but, of course, it was shortened to "Sweden" over the following centuries.

It is difficult for historians to definitely claim which story is correct as there is ample evidence for both theories. The sweater led to a very distinct fashion style in Sweden where even today most clothing (even undergarments) are predominately crocheted or heavily knit by the town whores.

Also, throughout Sweden the most popular professions are dentistry and candymaking. Just as the Eskimo has hundreds of words for snow, Sweden has over three thousand words for candy. No shit.

Now granted, pretty much everything that preceded this sentence appears to be complete horseshit. But it could be true.

You don't know.

Sweden - Rating: B-

15 Signs Your Relationship Is Ending

1. Her cell phone messages have another guy laughing in the background.

2. When you snuggle up to her and say something sexy...she punches you and tells you to go fuck yourself.

3. She just got a new vibrator....specially molded from your brother's penis.

4. She starts introducing you to others as "the dumbass who won't leave me alone".

5. She has had "a headache" for three months now.

6. When you make a joke she rolls her eyes. When Jorge from the office makes the same joke she giggles and performs oral sex on him.

7. She moved out.

8. Three times in the past week you came home early to find the backdoor wide open and your girlfriend had her shirt on backwards.

9. Twice this week you came home early to find your girlfriend blowing another guy.

10. When you buy her lingerie she purrs "Jorge is gonna love this".

11. You keep getting forwarded emails with dirty pictures of your girlfriend that you don't remember photographing.

12. More than once, she has accidentally said to a male co-worker "Suck you la...I mean talk to you later." Followed by a series of winks and nudges.

13. She stopped talking in code two weeks ago and now just says "I'm going out to fuck a guy. See ya."

14. You answering machine now has her saying "You have reached me and fuckwit-who-hasn't-got-a-clue. Leave a message".

15. When she drinks too much she looks at you and moans "what the fuck did I ever see in you?"

Monday, January 2, 2006

15 Things You Don't Want To Hear At Your Autopsy

1. "What the hell is that doing in there?"

2. "This guy had an indestructible liver! He could have drank forever and never damaged it."

3. "Yeah, so, I met this guy's wife when she came to identify the body. She wants me to come over later and wear this guy's clothes. Weird, huh? Good thing I just got waxed."

4. "Look how far up there I can get my finger!"

5. "Wait, this isnt Tupac."

6. "Holy shit! This guy was hung like a titmouse! Poor bastard."

7. "This guy's ass is like smooth velvet. Go ahead and give him a ride. I'm already worn out."

8. "Hey...let's make the intern put his dick in this guy's mouth and we'll put photos of it on your webpage!"

9. "Fuck me...I didn't even know it was possible to die from excessive masturbation. This guy's forarms are built like Popeye's."

10. "Why the fuck was there a dildo in this guy's stomach?"

11. "This guy kind of looks like Corey Haim. I wonder if people told him that a lot."

12. "Deal! Ten bucks says there is no way in hell you can get five eggs in this guy's ass without breaking them."

13. "Hey, Jim, look! I'm totally tea-bagging this dead guy!"

14. "Calm down. Just put the balloons of heroin in this guy and in a few weeks we'll dig him up and cut them out. No one will ever know."

15. "OK...I'm the new guy here...but is that shit supposed to look like that?"

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