Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Thursday, December 7, 2006

A Break-Up Letter

Many people find it difficult to find the correct means to end a relationship. To help those poor souls in their endeavor to free themselves of the bonds of dating, BDF has put together this do-it-yourself break-up letter.

Simply fill in the blanks, print it off, and send it away to your intended recipient.

Of you can download a PDF version if you are seriously intent on doing something this stupid.

Note: If he/she gets incredibly pissed, BDF is not responsible. Don't blame us for the shitstorm you bring down by using a break-up letter you found on the internet.

 

Dear ,

It is with a heavy heart that I type these lines. Recently, I have noticed that you have grown .

Sometimes you make me feel like my . But alas, you are simply a .

If it lessens the pain at all, you might be interested to know that I your .


Often. That's no lie.

Please try to remember the good times. Don't dwell on .

I will always cherish the way you would my ever so lovingly.

Ah...memories!

But that time is past. Now you must move on and your for the future.

Thanks.

Sincerely,



P.S. Please don't forget to

The Blog Of George Washington Carver

The historians at BDF have uncovered a celebrity blog.

While some showed disbelief about some of our Big Damn History articles, we believe this new blog will vindicate our crack research team.

The following are some excerpts from George Washington Carver's blog.


2/7/1932 11:32 a.m.

I have just patented a peanut-based cosmetic. This thing is going to take the world by storm!


2/9/1932 3:32 p.m.

OK...it turns out that peanut allergies are pretty common. It can be a pretty bad thing to put my cosmetic on the skin of someone who suffers from this allergy.

Obviously, I'm going to have to stop production on my peanut-based bandages, peanut-based clothing line (and the children's clothing: Lil' Nutty's), and my peanut-based bubble bath.

Dang! Back to the drawing board.


2/21/1932 2:12 a.m.

I am now slaving away on a peanut-based alternative to nitroglycerin. Not only will the explosions be twice as powerful (according to my calculations, at least) but the resulting devestation will have a very nice nutty aroma.

I am thinking about using this new NitroPeanut blend to create a better grenade. I think peanut shells will make for an extremely potent form of shrapnel.

Trust me, with all the work I've been doing with nuts I can tell you...those shells will cut the hell out of you if you aren't careful.


3/5/1932 4:15 p.m.

Last week I sent out some feelers to various industries about my new NitroPeanut product. I have received three "no thank you" letters, one "you're insane", and two more "what the hell is your deal with peanuts?".

Fuck those assholes. These peanuts are a goldmine!


3/9/1932 1:02 a.m.

Two words.

Peanut Oil.

I have thus far created:
Carvoline Antiseptic Hair Dressing from peanut oil and lanolin
Carvoline Rubbing Oil, a peanut oil for massages

I believe that my Rubbing Oil will be a viable cure for polio.

We'll see!


3/15/1932 12:02 a.m.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Joseph Rosefield figured out how to hydrogenate the peanut oil to make peanut butter creamy.

All this time slaving away at a better butter...wasted.

Fuck!


4/5/1932 4:05 a.m.

Between fucking Rosefield scooping me on that peanut butter thing and all the crap I keep taking from everyone, I'm getting a little fed up.

Did you know that every time I leave my house, the neighorhood kids called my "Mr. Peanut"?

Well...all those assholes can wait and see. My next creation will make them all eat their words.


4/5/1932 4:05 a.m.

My peanut-fueled robot army is almost ready to be unleashed. It took me six months to overcome the "shelling" problem I was having with their peanut-based armor...but in the end it was worth it.

Stay tuned!

Sunday, December 3, 2006

Big Damn History: POTUS

As an addendum to an earlier article, we illustrate more instances of history being a curious thing.

The President Of The United States, or POTUS for those who are more comfortable with brevity, holds the highest position in the American government.

The election of a President can be time consuming and quite fractious. At times, this has led to sections of the government seceding and electing their own rival Presidents. These unofficial Presidents are now known as Anti-Presidents.

Thus far, there have been 138 Presidents and 47 Anti-Presidents. Many of those office holders (official and anti) have led interesting lives both within the Presidency and outside of it.

Thus far, there have been three Presidents and four Anti-Presidents who suffered from Lycanthropy. Some believed that Richard Nixon was also a werewolf, but he was, in fact, a vampire. He was just really hairy.

George Washington was trained in an especially effective school of kung fu. At the Battle of Monongahela, he killed 138 men with his bare hands. Unfortunately, there was a 139th man who subsequently escaped the wrath of Washington. His honor wounded, Washington ripped out all of his own teeth and ever after wore wooden dentures to remind him of his failure.

The Anti-President Jackson Pollock (no relation to the later Abstract-Impressionist painter of the same name) sired 132 children while attempting to govern America from his yacht The Real America which was anchored off the coast of Massachusetts. This yacht housed 350 citizens, 45 government members, and 100 ship employees. After pseudo-governing for 15 years, Pollock was assassinated by a young steward named Sirhan Hinckley Oswald.

It is well known that when William Howard Taft left the Presidency, he went on to serve as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What is less well known is that after he retired from the Supreme Court, he pursued his first love: rodeo clowning. His girth necessitated the construction of immensely large barrels for him to utilize while protecting rodeo riders from bulls. All in all, most clowns in this particular wing of the clowning industry are unanimous in their praise of his abilities. Legendary rodeo clown, Texas Pete Schwartz has stated: "That was one nimble fat ass".

Abraham Lincoln began his career as a private investigator. His clients were mostly people who feared that there was infidelity in their relationships. Lincoln's tireless work in this area later became the source for the popular television show Cheaters.

Fascinating!

In further installments of this series, we will examine how John Adams fought off the pirate Mad Peter Shanks during an evening at the theater, James Monroe and his Monroe Doctrine For Eating Babies, as well as Martin Van Buren's interesting work with hamsters and time travel utilizing a machine he crafted from tampons and aluminum foil.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

The Titmouse

The Titmouse, as we mentioned in Amazingly True Facts: Animals, neither a tit, nor is it a mouse. It is actually a large phallic-looking creature which dwells in Lake Erie.

This elusive creature appears to have originated in Lake Ontario, but sometime in the early 1800's it seems to have swam up Niagra Falls and settles in Lake Erie.

The Seneca Indians of the area originally called it Onödowága'...which is a blant lie. Actually, Onödowága' is the name for the Seneca tribe meaning "People of the Great Hill". What the Onödowága' actually called The Titmouse was Onödowága'Pagadono which means "Demon Penis".

Much like the better know Loch Ness Monster, The Titmouse has many strange and interesting legends surrounding it.

One legend claims that The Titmouse and The Loch Ness Monster actually once met. Unfortunately, a great argument broke out between them which was finally settled over a heated game or Parchesi. This is clearly horseshit and we will never refer to it again.

Another legends claims that The Titmouse used to be a ferocious beast which claimed the lives of many men until Saint Columba arrived and tamed the beast into the frolicking lovable scampt he is know recognized to be. Unfortunately, Saint Columba was an Irish saint who never set foot in Ohio so this legend is probably a bunch of bullshit, too.





What isn't bullshit, however, is that Dr. Archibald Haberdashery viewed the beast and was fortunate enough to have a camera within reach.

Haberdashery was enjoying the flora and fauna of the area surrounding Lake Erie when he heard a great groan eminating from the lake. Looking up, he saw The Titmouse lolling around in the water.

The photo, now known as the "Doctor's Picture", has been scrutinized by photo labs all over the world and found to be outrageously fake, but people still love it nonetheless.

Much has been made of the creature's exceptionally phallic shape. Folk troubador Woody Henderson summed up such feeling in his song "The Balled Of The Titmouse".

The first time I saw you,
I shit a brick
Probably 'cause you look like
A giant dick.

Outside of Haberdashery's run-in with the beast, the most well known sighting was in 1832. Josiah Barlow claimed to have seen it whilst picnicking on the shores of the Lake. His story claims that it approached the edge of the water and gestured for Barlow to come closer. As he did so, the beast stiffened and doubled in size. Barlow claims to have ridden it numerous times across the Lake.

Then again, Barlow also claimed that he tamed a Sasquatch and defeated Satan in a game of Backgammon.

More realistic tales of the Titmouse have come forth from the late 1940's onward. To this day, visitors flock to Lake Erie in the hopes of seeing the elusive Titmouse.

If you are ever in Northern Ohio, feel free to visit the lake and try to catch a glimpse of The Titmouse.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Amazingly True Facts: Animals

The animal kingdom is quite interesting. While the animal kingdom is filled with fascinating facts, it is, unfortunately, rife with myth and general bullshit.

BDF has decided to clear out some of the myths of the animal kingdom and let you know some of the amazingly true facts about animals.

Believe it or not, Canadian Geese aren't really Canadian. They migrated from Iceland and have yet to formally apply for Canadian citizenship. Damn immigrants!

It is wholly untrue that Siberian Huskies are shape shifters. It is, however, completely factual that they wait until you fall asleep before indulging in their secret passion: musical theater. They are particularly partial to HMS Pinafore.

The Wedge-tailed Eagle has such keen sight, it can actually see into the future. Hunters were often very partial to using Wedge-tailed Eagles and would use them to see if they would be successful in the hunt before they even began. If the eagle replied in the negative, the hunter would simply forego the hunt entirely and play a rousing game of Mah-jong instead.

Hedgehogs are quite skilled in haberdashery. It's true!

The Titmouse is neither a tit, nor is it a mouse. It is actually a large phallic-looking creature which dwells in Lake Erie. Sightings date back to 1832 when Josiah Barlow claimed to have seen it whilst picnicking on the shores of the Lake. His story claims that it approached the edge of the water and gestured for Barlow to come closer. As he did so, the beast stiffened and doubled in size. Barlow claims to have ridden it numerous times across the Lake. Then again, Barlow also claimed that he tamed a Sasquatch and defeated Satan in a game of Backgammon.





More realistic tales of the Titmouse have come forth from the late 1940's onward. To this day, visitors flock to Lake Erie in the hopes of seeing the elusive Titmouse.

When Owls call forth with their distinctive "Who" they are seriously asking a question. If you reply with your name, they are more than happy to share their vast knowledge of knock knock jokes and bawdy limericks.

The Manatee isn't the docile creature that media and film tend to make it out to be. Many a swimmer has been targeted and trapped by roving bands of Manatees and subsequently viciously sodomized.

It is an unfortunate truth that the domestic house-cat will steal the souls of babies and the elderly if left alone with them. What is less well known is their ability to cobble. Should you have any need of these furry shoemakers, simply leave your shoes by the litter box in the evening and by morning they will be as good as new.

Stunningly unbelievable!

Sunday, November 5, 2006

15 Incredibly Bad Break-Up Lines

1. It's not you, it's....wait...who the fuck am I kidding? It's you. It's definitely you.

2. You're kind of a bitch...so....yeah...I'm gonna go.

3. You're hot, but your sister is better in bed.

4. I'm sorry but size really does matter.

5. Every man wants to fuck a stripper....not so much date one. I'm not sure why we even tried this.

6. I'm sorry but I just can't fathom a world where I would merge my portfolio with yours.

7. My parents always warned me about your kind...Jews!

8. Now that I'm sober, I don't know what the fuck I was thinking.

9. Bullshit! That kid isn't mine. Call Maury Povich!

10. This is awkward...but as it turns out, I'm gay.

11. (in a sing-song fashion) One of these things doesn't belong....and it's you, assbag.

12. You drink. You like sports. You swallow. But woman...you gave me the clap!

13. You're once...twice...three times...a whore.

14. You're sweet, charming, and almost everything I want in a man...but you really suck in bed.

15. I agreed to date you for 30 days to win $150 from my buddies. This is now day 29.

Thursday, November 2, 2006

More Crazy Fuckers Throughout History

As outlined in an earlier article, there have always been strange people in the world. Sometimes these strange people decide to form groups.

The following are a few more of the often overlooked organizations.

People For Harmonious Chess

Believing that chess inherently inflames race relations between whites and blacks by having black pieces and white pieces at war with each other for supreme dominance, this organization was dedicated to having the standard colors of chess changed.

While this whole idea may seem silly to most, what really torpedoed the organization was their proposal to adopt the colors brown and yellow because as their promotional literature stated: "...who gives a fuck about Arabs and Asians?"

Obviously, people of Arab and/or Asian descent weren't amused.

The Holy Shit Society

These strange fellows postulated the theory that the Earth and all surrounding planets are in actuality the remains of God's Supreme Defecation (quite literally "Holy Shit"). Furthermore, they believed that the inhabitants of the planet (humans, animals, etc.) were simply highly evolved fecal microbes.

Obviously, this basically means that the universe is a giant toilet...and frankly most people aren't completely comfortable with that idea. Membership never really took off.

Also, it should be patently clear to the casual observer that these people were fucking morons.

The Society For People Who Want To Be Taller

These people....well....wanted to be taller.

The Return To Our Roots Organization

These people believed that modernization has alienated people and caused society to become hostile and fractious. While they weren't the only group of people to believe this, their solution was decidedly odd.

Desiring to return to a quieter and less modern time, they promoted the abandonment of life as we know it and beginning anew in a more simplified fashion.

Unfortunately, not being scholars (and seeming to have not even the most basic of intelligence), all this groups knowledge was derived from episodes of The Flintstones.

All eight members of the group were eventually imprisoned on animal cruelty charges when they killed 19 birds attempting to play a record with their beaks.

Sunday, October 22, 2006

Amazingly True Facts: Insects

The insect kingdom is quite interesting. While the insect kingdom is filled with fascinating facts, it is, unfortunately, rife with myth and general bullshit.

BDF has decided to clear out some of the myths of the insect kingdom and let you know some of the amazingly true facts about insects.

Many people know that if you split an Earthworm, the two parts will live on independent of each other. What is less well known is that Earthworms have the ability to call forth other Earthworms to join and create an immense Mega-Earthworm. Like Voltron. Their attempts to create a giant super Earthworm (called PangeaWorm) and destroy all other living beings have been stymied by the fact that no matter how large a worm is...it still has no appendages and therefore is completely unable to wield weaponry.

The Ladybug is actually quite un-ladylike. They are quite fond of dick and fart jokes.

The Wombat is not a bat. Some claim that it is an Australian marsupial. Those people are idiots. The Wombat is actually a very large predatory insect. It feeds on the souls of lost children and dances to the beat of the rhythm of the night. Until the morning light.

Dragonflies, much like their namesake, are capable of breathing bursts of fire. Due to their small size, they aren't able to actually engulf a human in flames, but instead their attempts merely annoy the human. They can, however, cause minor blistering.

An insect of the order Mantodea is commonly called the "Praying Mantis". While their appearance is rather prayer-like, their name was actually coined by Bob Peters who witnessed the mating habits of these insects and immediately fell into prayer thanking God that his wife never literally bit his head off after sex. Ironically, despite their appearance, Praying Mantises are uniformly Atheists.

The insect family of Phasmatinae are commonly called "stick insects" due to their resemblance to tree branches. The similarities between these insects and trees don't end there. Entomologists have found that by cutting a stick insect in half, you can learn their age by counting the rings within.

The Colorado potato beetle is edible. Unfortunately, there are some side effects. Ingesting of the beetle creates an inordinate amount of intestinal gas. This gas, when released, has interesting properties (still not understood by modern science) which will cause spontaneous time travel. In 1978, Michael Bottoms opened a restaurant catering to those who practice entomophagy, or bug eating. On July 14th, Bottoms premiered his signature dish: Colorado potato beetles and beans. Three hours later, the restaurant and all thirty inhabitants disappeared!

Interesting!

Sunday, October 15, 2006

How To Win A Fight

If a man wants to be successful with the opposite sex, at some point he will have to prove his raw virility. The easiest way to do this is to pick a fight and win it.

I know. Some of you are saying "But I'm a raging pussy. How do I win a fight?"

Physically? You probably can't. But there are alternate methods.

Even if you aren't attempting to impress a lady, sometimes a guy will decide to pick a fight with you and you will need to know how to take care of yourself.

The following methods are BDF tested*.

* by which we mean "completely made up for this article".



The Psychic Kill Method

For years I have been playing with this move. Basically, I just stare at a guy and will his head to explode. Or implode.

Pick one and stick with it. If you can't decide then nothing is going to happen. A head can't explode and implode. That's just silly.

I will admit, thus far I haven't been able to get a head to explode (or implode, for that matter) per se. However, I do have it on good authority that I have cause three migraines, two instances of complete nausea the likes of which only happen when one accidentally sees their own grandparents having sex, and once I caused a man to question his own sexuality. That one was an accident...but it worked.

That, my friends, is power.



The Safety-In-Numbers Method

Obviously, you are always going to be a wee bit safer if you are surrounded by compatriots. When you enter an establishment, immediately make it a point to befriend the largest group of rough looking men.

If you aren't good at making friends and don't mind some preparation, you can always join a gang. Gang culture is sweeping the international scene these days so it shouldn't be a problem to find a rough-and-tumble group with interests similar to your own.

Beyond the well known Bloods and Crips, there are the lesser known Crochet Kids, Basketweaving Boyz, and Trekkies.

Alternately, rather than join an existing gang, you could formulate your own with men for hire.

While you may lose a degree of favor in the eyes of your intended by not actually winning the fight on your own, you will gain exponential respect from the power you wield.

Women dig a guy with can make things happen. The power to snap your fingers and have three guys beat the shit out of a guy for you? That is one serious aphrodisiac.

"But how do I get lackeys?" you ask. Try the classifieds. Also, there are various magazines that cater to this audience such as: American Lackey, International Henchman, Flunky!, and Hired Gun: The Magazine.

Alternately, depending upon the region you reside in, you may be able to hire a roving band of ninjas. In the constantly changing financial climate that we live in, ninjas have found it increasingly difficult to maintain steady employment. I'm sure they would be more than happy to do some work for you at a competitive price.

Granted, you are going to need to pay these guys. Loyalty costs money. Where you get that money...frankly, is none of my concern.



The Very-Strange-Person Method

I will preface this by admitting that this method is not 100% effective and it definitely will not get you laid by any women who witness this maneuver.

Basically, the move works like this: taunt your opponent with increasingly bizarre taunts coupled with very odd physical behavior.

Try screaming a taunt such as Shit-monkey. Other viable taunts include: Chicken-dick, Ass-pony, Fuck-puppet, and Marcel Marceau.

Whilst using these taunts, begin to do the chicken dance. Alternately, you can begin farting harmoniously. Either seems to work, from my experience.

Eventually, the guy will walk away, too disturbed to take a swing at you.

No matter how big a guy is, the one thing that scares us all is a seriously mentally unbalanced guy. Be that guy.



If none of these seem to fit your temperament and/or abilities...I guess you can just acclimate to getting your ass kicked. A lot.

Or...you know...get a gym membership or something.

But even if you get huge and burly...with some subtle use of willpower I can give you a migraine. Or question your sexuality. Maybe I will eventually be able to cause you to spontaneously orgasm.

Now that last one would be real power.

Friday, October 6, 2006

Big Damn Notes

If you are, or ever have been, in school...you are probably familiar with CliffsNotes. Many people used them to avoid having to actually read a book.

Not us, of course. We were always good little students.

OK. Not so much...but we didn't use CliffsNotes. We just cheated off the people sitting near us.

In any case, we would like to save you from having to crane your neck to check out a fellow student's paper...and also save your ever slimming wallet. Why buy CliffsNotes when you can download Big Damn Notes for free?

Yeah. We said it.

Free.

Besides...who the fuck is Cliff? Do you trust that guy? We sure as hell don't.

Can you trust us? Probably not. But at least none of us have a dopey-ass name like Cliff. Also, at least one of us has actually graduated from college. So we're smart like that.

Anyway, if you want to grab some free study guides, feel free to use the links below.

The Great Gatsby

The Catcher in the Rye

Of course, we are idiots. If you use these and fail a test, don't come crying to us. That's what you get for using free study guides from a comedy website.



Wednesday, September 27, 2006

15 Acceptable Reasons To Leave Your Lover

1. You got more attractive. It is now time to upgrade.

2. You are about to inherit great wealth and you don't want to share.

3. She doesn't find Monty Python funny.

4. She is maddeningly underwhelming in bed.

5. She doesn't let you sleep with other people.

6. When she does the laundry, all your clothes comes out shrunken to the size of doll clothing.

7. She doesn't swallow.

8. You want to fuck someone else.

9. When you were twelve, a gypsy told you that you would die at the hands of a lover...and you are starting to think this woman may be that lover.

10. The thrill is gone.

11. She laughs aloud at Dilbert.

12. She adamantly refuses to wear the Princess Leia slave bikini. (Cut the shit. You know that isn't just a fantasy for nerds.)

13. She once reminded you of a young Jean Simmons. Now she looks eerily like an older Gene Simmons.

14. She wants you to go vegetarian.

15. Somehow, between the beginning of the relationship and now...she got really fucking annoying.

Monday, September 25, 2006

15 Signs You May Have Gained Weight

1. You break a sweat getting out of bed.

2. When you leave the house, people often yell "Hey Fatass!" in your direction.

3. When you put on a suit, people around you do the Chris Farley "Fat Guy In A Little Coat" routine.

4. You haven't seen your dick in months.

5. When you hit on a woman, she laughs and then turns to her friends to loudly proclaim "This fat guy just tried to hit on me!"

6. Your parents have begun greeting you with "Shit son, think you've had enough to eat?"

7. When you enter an all-you-can-eat establishment, the entire staff screams "Oh fuck!"

8. You've had to purchase a set of "fat clothes"...but you hang on to your old clothing in the futile hope that one day you will fit into them again.

9. You burn through three sticks of deodorant a month.

10. When cannibals see you they yell "Jackpot!"

11. You often enter restaurants, look at the menu, and simply state "I'll take it".

12. When you take some articles of clothing into the dressing room, you hear the store staff mumble "right, like that shit is gonna fit his ass".

13. When you meet up with your buddies, they exclaim "Holy shit! Some fat guy ate (your name here)".

14. Your spare tire has evolved into a full set of snow tires.

15. You claim to be "big boned" but the only bones of that magnitude date from the late Cretaceous period of the Mesozoic Era.

Saturday, September 16, 2006

Big Damn Greetings

People enjoy both giving and receiving greeting cards. Unfortunately, there are some occasions and sentiments that the larger companies simply don't cater to.

For that, you have BDF.

Below are a few greeting cards. The descriptions are next to a graphic illustrating the front of the card. Click the graphic to download a PDF which you can print out and send off to whomever you believe deserves such a card.

Enjoy!


The Sick Card

Exterior
I heard that you were feeling ill...

Interior
Sucks to be you!









The Bastard Card

Exterior
I'm Sorry....

Interior
...that you are such a bastard.

It's over between us.
Fuck off









The Bitch Card

Exterior
I'm Sorry...

Interior
...that you are such a bitch.
It's over between us.
Fuck off









The Thinking Of You Card #1

Exterior
Thinking of you...

Interior
...and me doing a little of this.
What do you think?
(obscene gesture)









The Thinking Of You Card #2

Exterior
Thinking of you...

Interior
...and thinking about how much
I fucking hate you.
Eat shit!









The Santa Card

Exterior
Merry Christmas!

Interior
There is no Santa.
Sucks to be you!










Note to recipients of these cards: Ha!

Monday, September 11, 2006

Big Damn Poetry: The Dirty Ones

For your cultural edification, we offer these tasteless pieces of poesy.



Tits: My Love For Thee

I really must tell you,
I truly love tits.
They are possibly my favorite
Of all the naughty bits.

I can't remove my eyes
From any sweet boob.
They often make me feel
Like playing with my tube.

I cannot get enough
Of those lovely fun bags.
Even when they're gracing
The chests of old hags.



Ode To My Ass

Ass, you are so bittersweet
You cushion me when I sit.
And yet you sometimes burn
When I take a shit.

You bring that sweet release
When my inards chime
But you also smell like hell
A good deal of the time.

I wish, dear ass
that you would tell me
when the fart is wet.
And the reason people look at you
I truly do not get.

So let us just agree to get along
No enemas, I promise you
No thongs and no spanking
And also...no buttfucking.



Humping: A Reflection

I must admit,
I do adore
Humping women
On the floor.

I also dig it
On a bed
Or sometimes just
Receiving head.

But most of all
I like to ball
In every room
And in the hall.

Saturday, September 9, 2006

Little Known Facts: Cinco!

An addendum to the earlier lists of Little Known Facts.

It's a little known fact that walking in the rain will actually make you shorter over the years, each rain drop decreases your height by 0.00000000001 of an inch.

It's a little known fact that the first mud hut was made to house the local village's Dungeons and Dragons tournament.

It's a little known fact that 4 out of 5 dentists prefer Dentist Number 5. Draw your own conclusions, o naked reader.

It's a little known fact that the first Indian killed by the pilgrims was shot for cheating at monopoly. his last words were "yeah your mom whores herself on Baltic avenue."

It's a little known fact that albino polar bears are often called crackers by polar bears of the normal variety.

It's a little known fact that clubbing with hot babes is a lot like clubbing seals, and just as hard to get some action.

It's a little known fact that wrist watches were made because it was awkward to keep checking ones cock ring watch.

It's a little known fact that the roughest street gang in LA goes by the name of "The Harding Boys", they got their name from president Warren G. Harding.

It's a little known fact that potatoes used to be called earth nuts, but the men of the age had a problem admitting that they liked buttering their nuts or a little salt on their nuts before they eat them.

It's a little known fact that New York got the nickname "the big apple" because in a mayoral debate in 1802, when one candidate dared another to stick a shiny red apple up his anus to prove his love for New York. Upon insertion of the apple, the man yelled out "That's one big apple!" That man did not win the election...he died 2 days later from massive anal bleeding.

It's a little known fact that rejected crayon colors include Albino White, Chinaman Yellow, Navajo Red, Rotted Corpse Purple, Cancer Lung Black, and Major Labia Pink.

It's a little known fact that surprisingly very little heavy petting goes on at petting zoos.

It's a little known fact that summer only comes out because winter is annoying and wont stop bitching about how trees like to play dead when he is around.

It's a little known fact that Flora and Fauna were identical twins...but Fauna blossomed first and eventually harvested large C breasts. Flora, however, only had Bs. In retaliation, Flora created Hurricane Katrina. As she did so, those around her heard "that will show that big tittied bitch!". The aforementioned big tittied bitch was, in fact, suitably chastised.

It's a little known fact that that every time George Clooney nails a hot chick....you are still you. And you remain less attractive than George Clooney.

It's a little known fact that Mrs. Jenkins was fired during the annual spelling bee after being asked to use happiness in a sentence, to which she replied, "My husband once invented a hat penis for wintry nights."

It's a little known fact that the Village People actually all came from the same village. And that village was Gaysville.

It's a little known fact that that every time an actor from Gilligan's Island dies, somewhere in the world an old Mortal Kombat game yells out, "Fatality."

It's a little known fact that every morning Ashley calls up Mary Kate and whispers into the phone, "You are so fucking fat."

It's a little known fact that bushes are the retarded cousins to trees, and the trees don't like to talk about them when other fauna start asking questions about those bushes that follows them around town.

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Lesser Known Dr. Seuss Books

While most of us grew up with the beautiful works of Dr. Seuss such as The Cat In The Hat, The Lorax, and One Fish Two Fish Red Fish Blue Fish.

What most people don't realize is that there are quite a few books that were...well...poorly thought out. These mysterious books have generally slipped out of print, but occasionally they can be found in older libraries and used bookstores.

The following are a few examples of the lesser known work of Dr. Seuss.





Horton Has A Ho!

With the fact that not all children have the same economic advantages, it is a sad but true fact that some children would eventually enter into the world of pimping. To those ends, this slim volume was penned to address the lessons of pimping.

Horton Has A Ho! takes our protagonist Horton into the seamy underbelly of urban life. Finding himself a ho, he gets down to business and starts pimping.

At times scary, this lovely children's story will gently educate your child about the relative merits of pimping...as well as its dangers.

How can one not love a book with lines like the following:

Pimping ain't easy
But it brings in the riches
So gather some whores
And start pimping those bitches!

Pure magic! Just reading those lines, I almost feel like I, myself, am pimping.









The Cat In The Hat Got Fat

This fine book was an educational tale about the growing problem of obesity.

We follow the Cat as he gorges on fatty fast foods in the aftermath of a depressing breakup with his girlfriend of six years.

This has the twofold advantage of teaching better eating habits, as well as the right and wrong was to deal with adversity such as heartbreak.

The Cat grows quite fat and ultimately resolves to enter an eating disorder facility due to the love and compassion shown to him by his friends.

Foreseeing the epidemic of childhood obesity, Dr. Seuss left us cautionary rhymes like the following:

The Cat in the Hat got fat
his girth has grown much greater
you can tell wherever he sat
for he left a gaping crater

you, too, could grow quite plump
if you just sit around eating food
you will get too fat to jump
and then you will be fucking screwed!

If you ever loved the original book, you will delight in this sequel.

If you hated the original, you can get a sick pleasure from watching the Cat get fat as hell as his life come crashing down around him.

Either way, you win.









I've Got Sneetches In My Breetches And I Hope I Don't Have Herpies!

This book, especially coupled with the aforementioned Horton Has A Ho, can be a devastating tool for educating our youth about the scourge of sexually transmitted diseases.

When a young lad meets a seductive woman, she takes him out for drinks which ultimately culminates in the lad going home with her.

As such, one thing leads to another and sexual intercourse takes place.

The following rhymes sum up the boy's plight:

I met a girl in town
I liked the way she thinks
Her hair was very brown
She asked me out for drinks.

I didn't listen to the speeches
I drank too many slurpies
Now I've got the Sneetches
And I hope I don't have herpies!

It would be difficult to find a better STD primer for ages 5-12.









The Better Butter Buttsex Book

It is believed that this was penned as a dirty joke to be shared with friends and family.

Somehow it made it onto his publisher's desk and saw print based on Dr. Seuss' reputation of crafting fine children's literature.

Frankly, you probably shouldn't let your child anywhere near this book.

It's would be hard enough to explain the buttsex part...but even having read it, I'm not sure why there is so much butter involved.

As an adult, however, it is fucking hilarious.






If I had access to these wonderful stories as a youth, I know I would have grown up quite differently. Should you ever chance to run into these books, think about purchasing them for a child you know.

Except for that buttsex one. Don't give that one to a kid. That's fucked up.

Note to Legal Counsel for the estate of Dr. Seuss:
We admit that everything in the above article is complete and utter horseshit. We made it all up. Even the graphics are pretty shitty. I doubt anyone would ever believe something so egregiously stupid.
So.....please don't sue us. Pretty please.

Friday, August 25, 2006

Ye Olde Damned Funny

Unbeknownst to many, BDF had a forerunner called Ye Olde Damned Funny which ran from 1880 to 1942. Being the pre-internet era, this version of BDF was a weekly newspaper.

Peaking in popularity between 1908 and 1938, hundreds of people applied for employment with the Olde Damned paper.

Much akin to the modern day BDF that you know and love (yes you do...admit it...you love it), YODF had a small staff. Consequently, the vast majority of applicants weren't hired.

Always looking for a good excuse to avoid working, we here at the modern BDF rooted through the old archives and perused some of the resumes. While none of the following applicants were hired, rest assured that they all went on to bigger things.













In retrospect, it probably would have been interesting to see what some of those guys would do within YODF.

Knowing what happened with Sacco and Vanzetti, I feel a little bit bad that they weren't hired. Well, hindsight is 20/20 and all that stuff.

As far as that last applicant...further proof that we have always had bad judgment. We probably should have hired that guy.

Monday, August 21, 2006

Some More Big Damn Apologies





Stu: I'm sorry that I convinced you that your girlfriend was screwing nine other dudes. As you now know, she really wasn't. Also, I probably shouldn't have convinced her that you were a raging closeted homosexual. She seemed like a real keeper. Sorry she left you, man. That sucks.

Peter: I'm sorry that for ten years I told everyone we knew that you were slowly going deaf so they would have to speak up. Yeah. It was me that did that one. Sorry. It was kind of funny when we would all go out drinking and everyone would shout at you and you had no idea what the fuck was going on. Heh. OK. That was wrong. Sorry.

Pablo: It was incredibly rude of me to have done that thing in that place. I would say more, but I doubt the statute of limitations has run out on that so it's probably best to stay general on the details. Anyway, sorry I never sprung for a lawyer. When you get out in five years, I'm going to throw you one hell of a party. Obviously, without booze, though. At least for me. You understand, right? Sure you do. I'm almost positive you do.

Betty: I'm really sorry that I farted like seventeen times during your wedding. I'm even more sorry for that one fart that turned out to not so much be a fart. Whoops! Seriously, that sucked. Sorry.

Everyone at the Laundromat: I'm sorry that for about three weeks I would show up at four in the morning and pee in all the dryers. That was fucked up. I shouldn't have done that.

June (?): I'm pretty sure your name was June. If not, I apologize for forgetting your name. Joan? Maybe it was Joan. In any case, I'm sorry I never called you back after you went down on my in the alley behind the bowling alley. It wasn't you, it was me. OK. It was you. A shaft of light hit your face as you stood...I swear for a moment I thought I just got blown by a fucking wookiee. I'm sorry. I'm also sorry that apparently God hates you, because seriously...you are fugly. Jane? Was it Jane? Fuck it.

All the students at St. Jospeph's Preschool: OK. First off, I think we all learned an interesting lesson about the downsides of drinking. Second, I'm really sorry I urinated all over your Christmas macramé projects. Also, I really shouldn't have screamed "There is no Santa you little fuckholes" as the police were physically removing me from the building. Sorry.

Grandpa: I'm sorry about that one Halloween when I dressed up like a reanimated Zombie Franklin Delano Roosevelt and showed up at your house at three in the morning and yelled at you for voting for Thomas Dewey. I didn't know Grandma was going to just drop like that. I mean, at first it was funny. But then, ultimately, it wasn't funny. My bad.

Saturday, August 5, 2006

Life Lists

Sometimes people decide that their life needs a minor overhaul. It is often beneficial to make a list of things you aspire to achieve and refer back to this list often to see what areas you need to focus on in your life.

I myself tried this once, but I really only had three things on my list.

1. Masturbate less. Seriously. I'm gonna have a groove in my palm within the year.
2. Quit smoking.
3. Punch a clown in the face.

I have yet to achieve any of these goals. Others seem to have more success with making and implementing a life list.

The following are some excepts from the life lists of historical figures.

 


Quasimodo



 


Kal-El



 


Adolph Hitler



 


John F. Kennedy



 

So you see, even some of the most famous people throughout history didn't achieve everything that they desired (although Kennedy pretty much did).

Don't let that dissuade you from crafting your own list and begin becoming a new you right now.

Go ahead and begin your list. Might I suggest adding "punch a clown"? Even though I haven't completed that particular task yet, I really do feel that it will be spiritually fulfilling.

Thursday, August 3, 2006

My New Pen Pal

Yet another wonderful piece of writing from our little pal Timmy Smith.











Big Damn Poetry: Cinco!

For your cultural edification, we offer these tasteful pieces of poesy.



Marriage

In nineteen hundred and ninety four,
I met a girl who was a whore.
She put out till my dick was sore,
I married her and now I'm poor.

Put out, she did, when we were dating,
All the time, we got to mating,
Now we're wed and I'm still waiting,
I guess I'll turn to masturbating.




Blowjob

Why is it called a blowjob?
It's no job, nor does it blow.
For actually, it's quite fun.
I like them, don't you know.

It should be called a suck-fun,
For that's more accurate.
So come over here and give me one,
'Cause I'm not celibate.




Klondike Bar

What to do for a Klondike bar?
That's an interesting query.
I might propose some feat of strength,
But, as a wuss, I'd grow quite weary.

I think instead I'd simplify,
Hard work, I do abhor
I'd just raid my wife's wallet,
And go buy one at the store.

Some Big Damn Apologies





John: I'm sorry that after you stopped working for me when your prospective new employer called me to ask for a reference, I said "Ficus". Even though I knew he wanted a job reference, I thought an obscure reference would be funnier. Mea Culpa.

Tom: About that one night...I was pretty drunk and I didn't realize that was your wife. For what it's worth, she's very good. You are a very lucky man. I'm sorry.

Abram: In retrospect, I guess "Jewboy" wasn't the most affectionate nickname. I'm also sorry about the time you invited me to attend the synagogue to learn about your culture and I arrived wearing a propeller beanie and called it my Yabba-Dabba-Yarmulke. That was rude. I apologize.

The Pizza Guy: I'm sorry that I punched you out and then peed on your unconscious head. I actually did have the money for the pizza. For some reason I just thought the peeing thing would be funnier. I'm also sorry for putting pictures of that incident up on the internet. I didn't expect them to spread that quickly. Apologies.

The Members Of My Old Gym: I'm sorry I kept peeing in the pool. That was wrong.

To The Pope: I'm sorry about...well, I'm sure you remember. Please let me reimburse you for the cleaning bill. Sorry.

Ryan: I'm sorry that for three years I slowly starting driving you insane by having everyone in the office speak backwards when you were around. For what it's worth, it was pretty funny. At least to us. But that isn't a good excuse. Even though it was funny. I'm sorry.

Lorraine: I'm sorry that our marriage was so rough. I'm also sorry you are still such a raging bitch. OK...I'm sorry I just said that. Sorry.

Mom and Dad: I'm sorry I got drunk and wrecked your car when I was twelve. I am further sorry that I framed the old lady next door who was suffering from Alzheimer's. That wasn't nice of me. My sincerest apologies.

The Old Lady With Alzheimer's: Please see above. If you remember. Ha! Just kidding. Sorry.

Tim: I'm sorry that I replaced your medication with Skittles. I can't help but feel a little responsible for the coma you have been in for the past eight years. My bad.

Some More Apologies

Wednesday, August 2, 2006

Finland: A Review

In our ongoing attempt to educate and entertain, we bring you another article about a country we know absolutely nothing about: Finland. Much like our earlier reviews of Sweden and Norway, Finland is a Nordic country.

As with the previously mentioned Nordic reviews, we know absolutely nothing about Finland. The following is some shit we made up.

Finland was initially settled around 8500 BC by itinerant hunter-gatherer types. While archeological evidence supports this, it is still unclear why anyone would choose to live somewhere so far north where it is cold as balls.

As the Stone Age led to the Bronze Age and the Iron Age, the people of Finland spread themselves further around the area. Not literally spread themselves as individuals, but as a group. It is very difficult for an individual to spread him/herself over a vast area...unless that person is a shape shifter. There is no conclusive evidence to support claims that Finnish people are, in fact, shape shifters...although we are going to go ahead and claim that they are. Finnish people are shape shifters. Seriously.

Finnish people can eat five times their own body weight in a matter of minutes. This is due to their ability to dislocate their jaws to take in larger amounts of food in a sitting. Additionally, they don't swallow, but merely ingest things whole. Consequently, the inability of the Finnish women (and men) to swallow has made many a Finnish man sad.

Due to the rigors of shape shifting, the average Finnish person sheds his/her skin three times a year. As it is quite cold in Finland, large bulky sweaters are used to protect the body while skinless. It can take 3-5 business days for a new skin to regrow. Discarded skins are often shipped to third world countries for sweat shop use in making sports equipment like footballs and whatever-the-hell you call the ball used in Rugby.

Finnish people have compound eyes which allow them to see in 132 directions at once. This can cause extremely painful headaches which is the reason why Extra-Strength Migraine medication is used in abundance by the Finnish. Seriously. It's like Skittles or something to those Finnish people.

People in Finland are often born with prehensile tails and a propensity for eating children. As this is frowned upon in Finnish society, the tails are usually surgically removed at birth which seems to lessen the desire to consume children. Scientists still aren't sure why this happens.

Finland can be divided into six distinct provinces. Actually, with a little creative thinking, it could be divided into at least 33, by our reckoning. The Finnish shape shifters, however, don't appear to be that inventive with their topography. The six provinces each have their own names to differentiate them from each other. We don't know what they are.

Joulupukki is the name of Santa Claus in Finland. This has been the source of much laughter and amusement by those who reside outside of Finland. Mainly, because the name is silly looking, but also because it looks like it should be the name of a drinking game. Ironically enough, (and by "ironically enough" we mean "we are going to make something up and pretend it is fact") Joulupukki is also the name of the most popular drinking game in Finland.

Joulupukki has very few rules, but those rules are strictly enforced. Any player who breaks the rules is slapped in the testicles with a croquet mallet (this game is only played by males). Additionally, five breaches of the rules is punished by the guilty party being forced to lick a cow's ass for three minutes. Hilarity ensues.

Play is begun when one person calls another via their Nokia phone (which are issued to all Finnish people at birth) and screams "Joulupukki Motherfucker!" and hangs up. The person who received the call now has fifteen minutes to find the caller and punch him in the nuttsack. Failure to do so leads to the punishments outlined earlier. After either punching the caller in the sack, or taking a shot to the nutts with a croquet mallet, the person now must call someone else and the game continues.

Joulupukki games have been known to last for years. Currently, three brothers and their friends have been playing a continuous game of Joulupukki for the past 17 years. One of the players, Markku, is incredibly bad at the game and has just learned to enjoy the taste of cow anus. He claims it tastes like chicken. Pretty much everyone else on the planet disagrees.

The rules are quite simple. You have fifteen minutes to find your caller. You aren't allowed to use any computer assistance. You can only call three other people and ask each three questions to help narrow down the location of the caller. Once found, you must punch the other person with all due strength. Soft hits are grounds for punishment.

Finland has spent the past fifteen years lobbying the Olympic Committee to have Joulupukki entered in the Olympics. The Committee, however has declined due to the lack of time contraint on any given game. The Finnish Joulupukk Council has begun talks to outline new rules which would limit the length of a Joulupukki game.

We, however, think that would be kind of pussy. Just let the damn game play itself out!

Finland - Rating: B-
Joulupukki - Rating: A+

Monday, July 24, 2006

15 More Signs That You Aren't Famous

An addendum to our earlier 15 Signs That You Aren't Famous.

1. You have stalkers....called collection agents.

2. Thus far, no one will admit to having had sex with you.

3. The closest thing you have to paparazzi are those two Cheaters vans that your girlfriend got to follow you around. The confrontation is the first and only time you will be on television.

4. The only picture of you anyone has ever put up on a wall is the one your father put in the basement (your bedroom). Across your face he has written "FAILURE".

5. Your attempt to market a sex tape starring yourself garnered one bid on eBay...for $1. The bidder later emailed you and admitted that it was an error.

6. Your mother sometimes forgets your name. Your father keeps calling you "that failure".

7. You offered to sign a kids cast once...and he ran away screaming.

8. Everyone you know has forgotten your birthday for the past seventeen years.

9. People, as a rule, don't really give a shit about you.

10. When you phone your siblings they often interrupt you to ask "Who are you, again?"

11. Anyone you have ever impregnated lies and claims the baby is someone else's.

12. Jay Leno still won't return your calls...and nobody actually wants to go on Leno.

13. When you make surprise appearances at parties everyone whispers "who the fuck invited that guy?"

14. When you broke your leg, the only signatures on it were the five names you made up and signed left handed to change the writing style.

15. All evidence seems to indicate you aren't famous.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Big Damn Rules Of Life

Most of the Big Damn Staff aren't what one would call "intelligent". Our lives are marked with the stupidity of someone who begins a life altering event with the declaration "I think I can pull this off..."

As such, we thought we would share the wisdom gleaned from years of "not pulling it off". Here are our Big Damn Rules.

No matter how drunk you are (and you should definitely be drunk before attempting this) eating at White Castle is never as good an idea as it initially seems. Diarrhea is forthcoming...and it will ride through your digestive tract with the speed and fury of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Burying a corpse in your backyard, while convenient, isn't really a good idea. Trust us. We have lost more than one Big Damn Staff member to this particular faux pas.

Just because you can stuff an entire cantaloupe into your rectum, it doesn't mean you should. That ain't ever going to end well.

If she hasn't called you within three days of meeting in a bar...it isn't going to happen. Let it go.

Seriously. Unless you are an Olympic swimmer, there is no reason to shave your chest. No good reason, anyway.

It is rarely a good idea to anger Zombie McQueen.

There are people you "do" and people you "date". Don't confuse the two. It will make Thanksgiving dinner more interesting that you imagined. And your Grandparents will probably never speak to you again.

If you are over the ago of twenty and your goal in life is to be a professional video game player...you will never ever see vagina. Thems the breaks.

Mother's Day? Do it.

Secretary's Day? Fuck it.

Your mother is a saint. She put up with you when you were a child and she still puts up with your dumb ass with as much patience as any human being can. Now, you don't have to take her to the hair salon or anything. Have your wife do it. But make sure you pay for it. That was you are still the nice guy. Think about it.

At some point you just have to accept the fact that you will never grow up to be Batman. It's OK. We all feel your pain.

As stated previously, most of BDF has had to learn about life the hard way. We want to spare our readers this humiliation by helping them to learn from our mistakes.

But if you really want to call the big cop who pulls you over a "big fucking pig"...hey, knock yourself out. Fuck it...what the hell do we know?

Sunday, July 16, 2006

15 More Egregiously Bad Opening Sentences, Again

Another addendum to our earlier 15 Egregiously Bad Opening Sentences.

1. Suddenly overcome with guilt, I realized that I probably shouldn't have killed those three hookers simply because Daddy didn't hug me enough.

2. The water felt very wet as the damp rain drenched my moisturized soggy face.

3. That better have been a wet dream or I seriously need to get my penis checked out by a medical professional...soon.

4. She was fat but I was horny...such is life.

5. More than a little embarrassed, I suddenly realized I had left my penis at my now ex-girlfriend's house...after calling her a "raging bitch" and storming off. I probably wasn't going to get it back.

6. I turned to my partner and whispered, "If he laughs...we might not go to jail."

7. As I felt the icy hand of death upon me, I came to the realization that my "notebook paper and packing foam" diet probably wasn't healthy. I was, however, amazingly thin.

8. After about three weeks of following his instructions to the letter, I realized that my guru was in actuality a peanut butter sandwich.

9. I only do shit that fucked up on Tuesdays between noon and two.

10. As I smelled the remains of the charred rodeo clown, I found myself more than a little aroused.

11. The silence was broken when Bob exclaimed, "That's not oatmeal, that's my mother!"

12. I swear...if that guy touches that fucking lemur one more time....

13. Realizing I wasn't actually a doctor, I released the man's still beating heart and quietly slipped out of the operating room.

14. I'm not trying to be creepy, but that wombat was kind of sexy.

15. And that's when the guy exploded.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

15 Things You Rarely Hear On A Date

1. Baby, I just want to blow you. We don't even have to cuddle.

2. Hey hottie! Who's your fat friend?

3. Stop calling. You are fat and uninteresting.

4. I fucked your mom.

5. Of course you need more shoes, honey.

6. No baby, you're just big boned. Just kidding. You're fat.

7. Your sister is hot. I'm just saying. Seriously. I'd do her.

8. No baby, I love that time of the month.

9. I'm just here for food. I really couldn't care less about you.

10. No seriously. Put your bra back on. I just want to talk. Talk about what interests you.

11. Less talking. More sucking.

12. If we are going to hang out, you are going to need to get a lot more attractive.

13. Small? Nah. I think it's cute.

14. Your male pattern baldness is so sexy!

15. I'm going to be honest. I'm not listening to a word you are saying. Every time you open your mouth I just see a potential place to park my penis. Hey, alliteration! Seriously, though. I'd like a blowjob.

Friday, July 7, 2006

Big Damn History: Edition, The Fifth

As an addendum to an earlier article, we illustrate more instances of history being a curious thing.

Nicola Sacco and Bartolomeo Vanzetti were Italian-Americans with a passionate love for comedy.

Sacco, a shoe maker, and Vanzetti, a fish seller, met while attending the performance of a witty humorist at a local theater on the Orpheum Circuit. Finding a shared love for all things funny, they both found an odd stirring within themselves. At first this was misinterpreted as the culmination of some latent homosexuality...but it turned out to simply be a driving desire to form a comedy team.

Sacco and Vanzetti (as their oh-so-creative comedy team was named) began performing in local dime museums. While they had some small local success, their attempts to join the Orpheum Circuit remained fruitless.

Aimless, the two drifted toward the Anarchist political ideology. Anarchism was generally frowned upon in the early American 20th century. As such, Sacco and Vanzetti were accused of the killings of Frederick Parmenter and Alessandro Berardelli during a robbery on April 15, 1920.

Many believe that Sacco and Vanzetti were innocent. They both had alibis. There were alleged police improprieties in regards to the handling of weapons. Probably the most important piece of evidence for the innocence of Sacco and Vanzetti is that one of the victims, Berardelli, was himself an aspiring comedian. Sacco and Vanzetti had far too much love for comedy to harm a fellow humorist.

Unfortunately for the world of comedy, Sacco and Vanzetti were executed on August 23, 1927 leaving the world a slightly less funny place.

The following year, an even more unfortunate event for Sacco and Vanzetti (as if there could possibly be anything more unfortunate than being dead) happened in January 1928. Benjamin Franklin Keith, Edward Franklin Albee II and Martin Beck united their vaudeville circuits into the Keith-Albee-Orpheum. This new behemoth needed more acts to fill their bills and they specifically needed comedians.

Who knows what the future may have had in store for poor Sacco and Vanzetti?

Another fascinating occurrence in 1928 was Alexander Fleming's discovery of Penicillin.

Arthur Edmund Penicillin was often teased as a child for the bizarre secretions his body would make whilst under stress. As he grew older, the teasing turned to amazement as it was discovered that Arthur Penicillin was virtually immune to Gonorrhea, a sexual plague that was devastating Penicillin's group of acquaintances.

Alexander Fleming was working at St. Mary's Hospital in London when he heard a strange noise. Peering under his table, he discovered Arthur Penicillin enjoying a turkey on rye. Penicillin, being a generous soul, offered to split his sandwich with Fleming. Fleming agreed.

Conversation began. One thing led to another. Eventually, Fleming learned how to utilize the odd secretions of Penicillin to create a very strong anti-biotic.

In further installments of this series, we will examine how the hare really did beat the tortoise but the outcome was egregiously distorted by the liberal media. Also, we will analyze how one man eating clam chowder forever effected the economy of the Latvian pygmies.

Thursday, June 22, 2006

15 Things That Are Vastly Undervalued

1. Gay Christian Fiction Literature

2. Idiots Guide To Snuff Films

3. Evangelical Porn

4. Dog Yarmulkes

5. Country Songs where the dog doesn't die and the guy's wife didn't leave him

6. Non-Alcoholic Vodka (a.k.a. water)

7. Puppet Bukkake

8. Getting laid without having to lie about yourself.

9. All-Braile Internet

10. MagnaBrush

11. Ferrets as a security measure

12. The State

13. The Ptarmigan

14. Hardcore Amateur Philosophical Porn

15. Big Damn Funny

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Townsend Identity

One Tuesday afternoon, a man suddenly realized that he couldn't remember who he was or how he came to be standing in a parking lot. As confusion began to envelop him, he spun around wildly looking for a familiar face.

He patted down his pants and found a bulge in the back right pocket. Opening the pocket, he gently removed the contents: a wallet. Flipping the wallet open, he noticed a clear window in the center of the wallet.

A driver’s license.

Jim Townsend. That was the name. Next to the name was a picture of a man. The man ran to the nearest car in the parking lot and looked at himself in the car window.

His face matched the face on the license.

Jim Townsend. That must be his name.

Suddenly recalling the film The Bourne Identity, he wondered if he was an assassin who was suffering from amnesia. The thought terrified him.

He ducked down and hid amongst the empty cars. Patting down the rest of himself, he found another small bulge in his coat pocket. Reaching in, he removed a handgun. Holding the weapon gently he tried to figure out how it had come to be in his coat.

His inability to answer this question only further escalated his paranoia.

Jim spent the next couple of hours playing commando and hiding from enemies he couldn't see, but somehow knew were "out there".

Occasionally, Jim would hear a sound that he couldn’t identify. Somehow this knowledge further fueled his fears that he was being watched. Or worse, tracked.

Three hours after his amnesia fear first took him, Jim found himself squatting down hiding behind a dumpster. In due course, he realized the "gun" was in fact "paraphernalia" and the reason for his "amnesia" was that "he was high".

Suddenly overcome with the munchies, he walked to the nearest Wendy's and got a Junior Bacon Cheese.

Fifteen minutes later, Jim felt much better.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

The Blog Of Johnny Appleseed

While it definitely seems like damn near everyone has a blog these days, what isn't well known is that blogs aren't really a recent thing. Archeological evidence has uncovered proof that many great names throughout history were avid bloggers, too.

I know. Some of you are thinking but how is that possible when the internet is relatively recent?. To you I say this: Shut up. You're fucking up my article.

The following are some excerpts from John Chapman's (a.k.a. Johnny Appleseed) blog.



2/7/1882 11:32 a.m.

Today I began my mission. I just started walking. Here and there I would spread some appleseeds around.

I really hope this leads to something good.


2/9/1882 7:38 p.m.

Today I got my ass kicked.

I was just minding my own business...doing my thing...planting my seeds and whatnot when out of the blue these two huge lumberjack looking assholes began accosting me.

They asked me what I was doing so I told them. Planting appleseeds to make apple trees.

The next thing I knew, one guy had punched me in the face. As I lay on the ground curled up in a ball, they starting kicking me in the ribs and shouting that I was an "applefucker".

Applefucker? What does that even mean?

Anyway, I passed out from the pain. When I awoke they were gone.

The bastards took my appleseeds, too. Tomorrow I will have to get some more.


2/11/1882 8:42 p.m.

Well, it looks like those two asshats from the other day were telling everyone what they did because now everywhere I roam people start calling out "Look, here comes the applefucker".

Applefucker? WTF?

Anyway, I planted some more trees today.


2/15/1882 10:46 p.m.

I swear...if one more person calls me Johnny Applefucker I am going to open so many cans of Whoop-Ass.


2/21/1882 8:32 p.m.

Today was a pretty mellow day. I planted some apples. I ate some applepie. I drank some applecider.

Luckily, nobody recognized me so I didn't have to hear that fucking name again.


3/15/1882 11:32 a.m.

If I hear Johnny Applefucker one more time, I'm going to shove an apple up somebody's ass.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Tastes Like Chicken!

For years, scientists and moms the world over have propagated the myth that everything tastes like chicken. We here at BDF have uncovered the conspiracy of the ages: chicken tastes like everything else.

It might not seem like a very big distinction...but it is. Think about it. We will give you a minute.

Got it yet?

OK. We'll wait.





If you don't understand it, allow us to illustrate the point.

Strawberry Fruit Roll-Ups taste like strawberry...but it wouldn't be accurate to eat a fresh strawberry and proclaim that it tastes like a Strawberry Fruit Roll-Up.

See?

Now, admittedly, some of you may be saying "But Strawberry Fruit Roll-Ups don't taste like strawberry." To that we simply say, blame General Mills.

Another way to look at it is this: when two siblings look alike, is it correct to say that the older child looks like the younger? Or is it more accurate to say that the younger looks like the older as it was the older who came first?

Unless, of course, the younger was actually born first...which could theoretically happen if the older child was conceived in a worm hole changing the flow of time. While Hawking postulates the existence of worm holes and their ability to bend space-time, it has yet to be definitively proven and therefore we digress.

Then there is the pleather argument. Pleather is like leather, but yet it isn't.

Or the duck comparison. It has oft been stated that if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it must be a duck. Not so. It could just be a really confused emu.

Additionally, if a tree falls in the forest and only Helen Keller is around to neither hear it nor see it...did it really happen? But again, we digress.

We believe that through our many intelligent and illustrative examples that we have proven our point.

Chicken tastes like everything. Except, of course, pussy. That tastes like something else entirely.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Still More Big Damn History

As an addendum to an earlier article, we illustrate more instances of history being a curious thing.

Louis Heaton was an eager young film director in 1924. Feeling that he needed something to separate his films from those of other filmmakers, he decided that the world was ready for sound film.

Unfortunately, Heaton had no clue how to create sound film. In fact, the first sound film wouldn't premiere until Warner Brothers released The Jazz Singer in 1927.

Heaton, however, was creative. He hired five actors to stand behind the screen and speak the dialogue while the onscreen actors moved their silent lips.

It took weeks of practice, but finally Heaton's actors got the hang of it and their performances were nearly flawless.

Having worked together for those long weeks, the actors got to know each other very well. Some better than others. Frank O'Leary had fallen in love with the sole female voice actress, Violet Salinger. Violet, however, had fallen for another actor named Warren Burton.

Angered and saddened, Frank showed up for the premiere of Louis Heaton's first film having imbibed more than a few drinks of an alcoholic nature. With no back up actors, Heaton simply trusted that Frank would be able to pull through.

Frank, however, was seriously shitfaced. And angry. Halfway through the film, O'Leary began crafting his own dialogue. This new dialogue had very little to do with the story on screen, but was instead more about what a "whore" Violet was and how Warren "liked it in the butt".

Filmgoers weren't amused. Neither was Heaton.

O'Leary was fired but by that point it was too late. Heaton's experiment had failed and his resources were tapped. He left the film industry and returned to his family's farm in Wyoming.

While many know that investors discovered the wealth to be made in creating low budget direct-to-video films in the 1990's. What isn't as well known is the story of the first stab at bypassing theaters and bringing film directly to the home.

In 1984, Patrick Gormican financed a low budget/high concept horror/romance film. Finding it difficult to get distribution for a film made outside the Hollywood system, Gormican hit upon a brainstorm: he would release it straight to home viewers.

Gormican chose the most popular video format and even lucked into a strategic alliance with Coca-Cola wherein there would be film reshoots exhibiting the beverage throughout the film in return for an advertising push from the cola giant.

On March 14, 1985 Attack Of The Mad Beasties was released on Betamax with the aforementioned partnership with Coca-Cola.

Some back story is relevant here. Betamax was created as a home video format in 1975. The format rose steadily in popularity, hitting its peak in 1983. Unfortunately, by 1985 the market was turning sharply towards the juggernaut that was the VHS format.

April 23, 1985 New Coke was unveiled. Created to mimic the sweeter taste of Pepsi, it didn't catch on with Pepsi drinkers and seriously pissed off long-term Coke drinkers. Within a few months, Coca-Cola grudgingly re-released the original formula now called Coca-Cola Classic.

While it is theoretically possible that Gormican could have made some worse choices, nothing is really springing to mind.

Five years later, Gormican had rebuilt his financial standing and decided to back a cartoon series based on the ongoing adventures of a new pop band that had recently won a Grammy for Best New Artist. The band picked were soon after found to have been frauds, not doing any actual singing on their album. The artists, Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus, were stripped of their Grammy. Unfortunately, the six episodes of Milli Vanilli and the Chilli Willies were never aired. Ironically enough, the voices of Milli Vanilli were actually dubbed by Fab and Rob.

By 1998, Patrick Gormican had given up all hope of making waves in the entertainment industry. Having lost $35 million on his various enterprises, Gormican decided to step back and go in a different direction.

Putting what was left of his bank account behind one last project, Gormican had faith that he was finally making a good decision. Harrdik was an herbal supplement for erectile dysfunction. While testing wasn't completely conclusive either way, Gormican gambled on the fact that there was no other pill that was proven to work better.

Unfortunately, on March 27, 1998 a full two weeks before the debut of Gormican's product, the FDA approved Viagra.

Patrick Gormican was ruined. Financially, mentally, and with the erectile dysfunction he know had due to stress he was forced to take Viagra which was a crushing blow to his self-confidence and ego.

At the end of 1999, Gormican disappeared and has not been seen since.

In further installments of this series, we will examine how the creation of macaroni and cheese directly led to the Munich farting incident which forever impacted the European financial markets as well as the wild west adventures of Carlton Misk who was the first man to drink a cow's milk straight from the teat which, of course, led to his demise in Tombstone Arizona.

Thursday, June 1, 2006

The Pleatheraptor

We have previously delved into the Naugabeast and discussed its use for Naugahyde. Now, we turn our gaze to the South African Pleatheraptor.

As noted in the previous article, due to overhunting of Naugabeasts, the industry was forced to turn to alternate sources of textiles. "Pleather" comes from the South African Pleatheraptor, a smooth featherless lizard-like bird.

Some believe that the Pleatheraptor may be a modern descendant of the Pteranodon. Others believe those those people are idiots. Still others think the Pleateraptor may be a marsupial of some kind, but both previous groups can agree that these people are fucking morons.

With a wingspan of three and a half feet, the Pleatheraptor is a beautiful creature when in flight. Unfortunately, that it usually the time when natives hired by the textile industry shoot poison arrows into the breast of this beatiful beast and bring it crashing to Earth.





Pleatheraptors are vegetarian and have been found to have a fondness for Ritz Bits Sandwiches coupled with a nice fondue. Also, they are calmed by the music of Wayne Newton but will enter a fiery rage if forced to hear Robert Goulet. And who can blame them?

While basically docile creatures, the Pleatheraptor is soothed by the color white and enraged by anything off-white or ecru.

Native to South Africa, as their name indicates, some have been spotted as far north as Norwegia. Not normally migratory, the poor fuckers have been forced to escape their natural habitat to escape being hunted.

While those in South Africa are used to seeing the large leathery creature, other lands are far more prone to panic at the sudden appearance of a giant dinosaur looking thing landing on their front yards and hunting for cheese. This has, unfortunately, led to many Pleatheraptor deaths completely unrelated to the pleather industry.

If you find yourself confronted with a Pleatheraptor, you will find that they enjoy a nice bit of cheese (Gouda being their preference) but whatever you do...don't play, or even hum, any of the work of Robert Goulet. The six inch claws Pleatheraptors have can gut you in a matter of seconds.

Also, they make fine (albeit large) pets. Your yellow pages might have the number for a local Pleatheraptor shelter. Although, I'd imagine you would be aware of any in your locality as these beasts are huge.

If you don't have a particular love for Goulet, please think about adopting one of these noble creatures. Their future is in your hands.

Also, don't wear anything made of Pleather around them. It's just mean.



Tuesday, May 23, 2006

A Letter To Mom

Our sweet little correspondent, Timmy Smith, writes a letter to his mother.








Friday, May 19, 2006

More Man In The Street Interviews

Another installment of our Man In The Street Interviews with the intrepid Stu.

As we are sure you are all aware, BDF is a fairly "cause oriented" organization. As such, we wanted to know what the average Martha and Jethro felt were important issues today.

Once more, we sent our man of the people Stu into the larger world around us to ask a few questions. This is what he found.





Bobby Lee, Stu's next door neighbor, said:

"I'm gonna go with the ongoing battle between Formula One and NASCAR."

Bobby Lee feels that this is an important issue because until the two are joined in glorious harmony, there will always be prejudice and dissention among the American people.





Antoine, a guy Stu bumped into whilst visiting his bookie, said:

"Basically, the issue foremost in my mind is the educational system. By neglecting to properly teach the economic concept of supply and demand, young people will never understand that by legalizing marijuana, many hardworking people like myself would lose their jobs when the position of "corner guy" is outsourced to some guy from India."

Stu was speechless. At both the answer and what may well be the longest run-on sentence in history.





CoCo, best known for operating her personal business at the corner of 5th and Maple, said:

"I guess I'm gonna have to go with the rising gas prices."

She further went on to bemoan her plight by illustrating how unlikely it was that any of her customers would ride a bike to pick her up. And if they did, how difficult it would be to blow a guy on a bike.

Also, she isn't sure how travel expenses to a client's home might be written off on her taxes. CoCo is always going on about her taxes.





Stu, himself, felt that the most important issue of the day is finding a way to force bars to charge happy hour prices throughout the day and night.





As you can see, BDF takes great pains to bring the opinions of the masses to light and we promise to continue to serve as a beacon of completely made-up interviews.

Friday, May 12, 2006

15 Things I Have Never Overheard

1. Yeah. I killed her. Hey, I'm hungry. Did you want to go get some pancakes? I could really fuck up a stack of pancakes.

2. Wait a minute. I don't even have an evil twin brother. Who the fuck are you?

3. The weird thing is...I never knew they even made a topical ointment for homosexuality. Now I can just rub the gay away!

4. No. I said you have to eat the rodeo clown.

5. Well, of course it's wrong. But it feels so damn good. And the badgers don't seem to mind so what the hell? You know?

6. I was thinking about getting my Jewish friend Abram a Christmas gift. A copy of Mein Kampf and an Easy-Bake Oven. Get it? What do you mean "insensitive"? Yeah...well...fuck you, too.

7. Once I create my time machine, all you bastards will be sorry. All of you!

8. Look, I had no idea it was your mother. We were at an Abe Vigoda fan convention. These things happen in the heat of the moment.

9. The truth is...I'm your real father. Nah...I'm just kidding. The truth is you have cancer. Sorry.

10. Seriously. Do not put that thing in your ass. I made that mistake too damn many times.

11. Mommy, why does Daddy always smell like booze and ass? Seriously. He smells very assy.

12. Soon all my evil plans will come to fruition. Soon. Mwa ha ha ha. What's that? Sorry. OK. Three egg McMuffins. Would you like a beverage with that?

13. Are you ready for the impending invasion of Giant Robots? For three small installments of $19.99, I can equip you with this fine piece of anti-Giant Robot craftsmanship.

14. Well son, I would get you one of those for Christmas, but as it turns out I've stopped loving you. Sorry.

15. Whatever you do...do not put that in the...oh shit. You did, didn't you? OK. We're fucked.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Holy Shit!: A Nautical Tale

The large waves rocked the ship softly in a manner which made Palmer find himself drifting to sleep. Each time he closed his eyes, Doctor Milano would slap him mildly about the face and remind him to stay awake.

The wound in his upper arm was still bleeding profusely and the Doctor was worried.

"I don't know how much more I can do. He may not make it through the night."

Captain Heaton nodded as he listened to the Doctor's words. Continuously smoking his pipe, Heaton leaned forward and stabbed his left index finger into the Palmer's wound.

"Sweet creeping Jesus! Why would you do that?!" Palmer cried out.

Doctor Milano looked at both Palmer and Heaton with wide eyed amazement.

Captain Heaton continued smoking and nodding. "Yep. He's probably screwed" the captain pronounced.

Placing more bandages on the now agitated wound, Palmer assured the captain he would do all he could for Palmer.

"Make his death quiet and painless. It's over for him. Do that thing you did for Schmidt last week."

Milano's eyes grew as wide as a couple of Lincoln Mercury hubcaps. "But...but...you made me do that to Schmidt."

"Put him out of his misery is what you did. Nothing wrong with that," the captain replied, still pulling on his pipe with an air of nonchalance.

"But...Schmidt only had a splinter. In his right hand. He would've pulled through."

Captain Heaton leveled his gaze on Milano. "This isn't a time to second guess ourselves. Schmidt was crying out in obvious pain. You did what you had to."

Milano dropped his head and muttered something softly which the captain only partially heard. Just as Heaton was about to inquire as to what it was specifically Milano wanted him to do with his ass, someone came rushing down the stairs and into the cabin.

Between gasping breathes the man was able to blurt out, "Sir! Trouble in the waters!"

Captain Heaton nodded and followed the young officer up to the deck.

Squinting in the sunlight, Heaton saw four men pointing out to sea and muttering amongst themselves.

"It's that damn whale again, sir. It looks like he plans to ram the ship," the young officer intoned.

"Well," Heaton began, pulling his pipe from his mouth and tapping the ashes out on the deck, "I guess we will have to submerge."

"But sir," the young officer cried out, "this isn't a submersible."

The captain nodded. "I guess you better tell the lads to start holding their breath. Submerge!"

Submerge they did, but the whale rammed them in spite of their evasive maneuvers.

All were lost.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Even More Big Damn History

Another installment of our investigations into the strange and curious thing that is history.

On July 6th, 1917, T.E. Lawrence lead his merry band of marauding Arabs to capture Aqaba from the Turks. While this episode has been written about numerous times and also dramatized in the motion picture Lawrence Of Arabia, much of the truth has yet to be revealed.

While Lawrence was most assuredly an excellent military strategist, historians now know that he has a secret weapon in his arsenal: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin.

A brief digression is in order.

Grigori Rasputin (a.k.a. The Mad Monk) was a spiritual adviser to the Romanovs, Tsar Nicholaus II and Alexandria. Long story short, he pissed some people off.

December 16, 1916, a small cabal of Russian nobles lured Rasputin to a palace owned by Prince Felix Yusupov. While there, the naughty nobles served him cake and wine which were laced with cyanide...which is bad and really fucks with the flavor of good food. While there was supposedly enough cyanide to kill ten men, Rasputin just continued eating and telling funny stories about a family named the Fukumovs who lived near him as a child.

Worried that their plan was beginning to suck, the nobles shot Rasputin through the back. Noble in the parlor with the revolver. Clue!

Within the hour, Yusupov returned to check the corpse. Unfortunately for Yusi (which is my new nickname for Yusupov), Rasputin wasn't a corpse at all and leaped to his feet. He began chocking Yusi who fought him off and ran like a little girl.

Feeling the effects of eighteen pounds of cyanide and a bullet, Rasputin became a little worried and ran outside. One of the other nobles shot at Rasputin five times, three missed and two actually hit the poor bastard. Rasputin was then clubbed and thrown in the Neva River.

Three days later, the body was removed. Four days after that, Rasputin was revived as a zombie by Tomás de Torquemada. While this may seem odd considering Torquemada died in 1498 and Rasputin in 1916, this is easily explained: Torquemada himself was revived as a zombie by Ivan IV Vasilyevich (a.k.a. Ivan the Terrible) who as we all know, is immortal and still roams the Earth looking for souls to harvest. He uses them to make an excellent goulash.

Somehow, seven months later Zombie Rasputin ended up in the Middle East and assisted T.E. Lawrence in kicking some Turkish ass.

He has only been seen sporadically since that time.

In 1925, John Thomas Scopes was charged with violating the Butler Act of Tennessee. This act was written to prohibit the teaching of Evolution in public schools.

The incident in question happened when Scopes was attempting to instruct his pupils on basic biology. The rambunctious children refused to pay him any mind and instead carried on talking and throwing wads of paper at each other. Fed up, Scopes blurted out "You are all a bunch of monkeys."

Reeling from what he realized was an incredible breach of etiquette, Scopes covered his remark by pulling some stuff out of his ass about people coming from monkeys. Which is ridiculous.

Everybody knows we come from the seedpods of our Galactic Overlords from Galaxor 5.

In any case, there was a trial and Scopes lost.

The End

In further installments of this series, we will examine many more unknown truths like the truth behind the myth of the Art Deco movement, and how Philo Taylor Farnsworth's creation of the vacuum television was fueled by his passionate hatred for himself and people who pronounce water as war-ter.

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

What I Am Doing This Summer

A sweet piece of summer writing from our little pal Timmy Smith.




















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