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Saturday, December 3, 2005

Little Known Facts

It's a little known fact that Russel Crowe carries around garlic in his pocket to ward off vampires and sea sprites, both of which are pretty common in December.

It's a little known fact that former members of Menudo are forced to jump off cliffs like lemmings at the age of thirty, so as not to confuse Latin children as to how many people actually make up the band Menudo.

It's a little known fact that I have a security blanket that I call Nuggles, and that I still sleep with it on cold nights, or whenever Transformers are on.

It's a little known fact that Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to all the good children of the world only because of his severe addiction to cocaine.

It's a little known fact that both NASCAR and NAMBLA were founded by Judy Garland as a tax defferment during the Great Depression.

It's a little known fact that cremated corpses can be rolled up and smoked like fatties, and that the street value of a well burnt corpse is over 500 euros in the south of France.

It's a little known fact that the word 'sports' comes from the Latin SpermatozoaPantaloonos, which was then shortened to "SPerm shORTS," or sports.

It's a little known fact that panty raids often end in death.

It's a little known fact that sometimes I sit on my hand until it falls asleep and then I pleasure myself with "the stranger". But only when I'm watching The Golden Girls. Otherwise it would be just plain weird.

It's a little known fact that if you play the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon....with Kevin Bacon, he shows you his penis at the end.

It's a little known fact that the Olsen Twins are actually highly sophisticated cyborgs whose original purpose was the domination of the country via their tween audience. Unfortunately, eating disorders and a rampant love of fame have derailed the original goal.

It's a little known fact that stapling a hymen above your bedpost will actually attract virgins running through your apartment complex.

It's a little known fact that a small percentage (approximately 2%) of people who get LASIK surgery find that six to eight weeks after the procedure, they develop the ability to see into the future. Unfortunately, it wears off three months later.

It's a little known fact that most Bibles in hotel rooms leave out the part where Jesus takes a few years off and starts a rock band called 'Shaggy and the Apostles'.

It's a little known fact that during the making of the hit movie, 'Three Men and a Baby', the child actor who played 'the Baby' was accidentally left in an aquarium for four solid weeks, just enough time for the child to learn to fend for itself, and start a new life under the sea, away from the prying eyes of the landpeople.

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