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Saturday, December 10, 2005

Adulthood: A Review

Cast your mind back many a moon and recall when you were young and ignorant enough to believe that adulthood was the golden ticket. The one thought that carried you through the various ass-beatings by upperclassmen in school was the idea that one day when you were all grown up...you would show those assholes.

Well, here you are. Not what you thought it would be, is it?

The concept of adulthood always gave rise to the notion of complete freedom. No curfews, no parental regulations, no teaches, etc.

What a steamy crock of shit.

The same rules apply now that did back then...only now it is your employer making the rules and they are probably even dumber than the childhood regulations.

Running around and being a cool adult is pretty much not going to happen. Now as an adult it is your job to hide your adult nature to "protect the children". No porn for you, my good man!

The same women are still harshing your mojo, too. The cheerleader who never gave you the time of day is now the co-worker who laughs at your 2000 Geo Storm.

Who would have ever thought you would need Rogaine?

Remember when you thought being an adult meant poon-a-plenty? Nope. It's probably easier for the tombone player in a high school marching band to get some ass. At least there are other loser chicks in band.

Did you ever think you would be voluntarily watching C-Span?

When you got your first job at sixteen, you ignorantly assumed that having an income would allow you to do whatever you wanted with your new found purchasing power.

Bullshit.

The truth is, you and your friends have shifts that conflict so much you haven't seen each other in months. Plus, in all your rampant stupidity, you immediately maxed out your new credit card so your next 15,000 paychecks are going straight to the good people at Visa. In retrospect, owning the entire DVD collections of South Park, The Simpsons, and The Family Guy probably wasn't the best investment. You can't eat comedy.

Those Viagra ads are getting less and less funny with each passing day, aren't they?

Remember when you thought masturbation was just a temporary stopgap until you become an adult at which point the poon would flow like wine?

Nope. You better take good care of that hand. It is the only real friend you have.

Do you recall back when being a rockstar seemed like a viable life choice?

Being an adult sucks. You never get to enjoy the shit you want because "you're an adult now". Apparently, adults don't get to read Batman comic books. Adults aren't supposed to laugh at dick and fart jokes, either. That will curtail any chance of getting laid you ever had....and the chance was always slim at best.

Staying up late watching Monty Python DVDs won't win much poon either.

Cartoons? Step away, chief. No woman in the western hemisphere is gonna allow that to happen.

What's all this shit about "having a life plan"? My plan was to not work and hang out with my friends. No one seems to be hiring for that position.

I don't mean to sound like a whiny bitch, but what happened to recess? Why couldn't we reinstate that?

How about nap time? Whou couldn't use some nap time? I believe we could attain world piece if we all had 45 minutes each afternoon for a little sleepytime.

There is one perk, though. I can walk into any bar and drink my sorrows away.

I'm gonna go take a nap.

Adulthood - Rating: D

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