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Wednesday, December 28, 2005

The Big Damn Joke

Ordinarily, here at Big Damn Funny we don't tell jokes, per se. We attempt to be humorous (with varying degrees of success) but we don't tell out and out jokes.

We decided to craft one great joke. The plan was to put our heads together and write one instant classic one-of-a-kind joke. No matter how long it took.

We've spent months on this bad boy. We think we finally have a classic.

When we first read it aloud, Jason laughed so hard he actually peed himself (which was fine because he always wears a catheter....it's a personal choice of his and we try not to judge).

Victoria giggled off and on for about three hours. Then she passed out.

Ryan is still a big fucking rock star so he hasn't heard the joke yet.

J.D. had a look of confusion for about two minutes, then suddenly burst into hysterical laughter (he's kind of slow).

Well...here it goes. Strap on your safety harnesses 'cause this mean boy has some kick.

Aw shit. The ink ran.

Wait. The internet doesn't even use ink. Now I'm just confused.

I would type it all out again, but I'm way too lazy. I guess you will never know the joke.

Sucks to be you.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

More Little Known Facts

An addendum to the earlier list of Little Known Facts.

It's a little known fact that my penis is 44 inches long. Unfortunately, 3 feet of that can only be seen or felt in the 14th dimension.

It's a little known fact the city of houston was first named "archieville" but after many complaints that the name didnt fit on mugs or magnets it was changed.

It's a little known fact all 182 workers who died while making the brooklyn bridge were named Mike.

It's a little known fact on the 3rd christmas ever 3 girls froze to death waiting for santa on their roof and a bystander simply remarked "thats science"

It's a little known fact that the reason Rudolph's nose lit up so bright to guide the sleigh at night was a quite virulent strain of syphilis. He died shortly thereafter.

It's a little known fact on the 10th day of each month the vice president eats a still beating human heart to gain their warrior spirit.

It's a little known fact the day before Archduke Franz Ferdinand was killed he scored a perfect game of Pinochle.

It's a little know fact the origin of the nickname "crayfish" was first used after Lincoln's death in which the doctor yelled "cray of fish" at the bloody mess.

It's a little known fact the last words of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin were "you gonna eat that?".

It's a little known fact that Daffy Duck's original name was Douglas The Goofy Bastard but test audiences found the name offensive.

Its a little known fact that the song Purple People Eater is based upon a true story.

It's a little known fact that when the paper shredder first debuted at the World's Fair, many papers got up and left the room quite upset.

It's a little known fact that beer bellies are effective protection against the undead, because if a flesh-eating zombie shows up at your party, why not let him eat that extra twenty pounds? Its win-win, baby.

It's a little known fact that the world's first mobster was really quite bored until other mobsters showed up for him to whack.

It's a little known fact that all midgets are actually time travelers who come from a distant future where ceilings are very low.

It's a little known fact that the oldest known woman, after convicted of high treason, could not be convicted by a jury of her peers because of her extreme age, so several monkeys and a couple of local cows presided over her trial. She was then promptly hanged after being found mooooooooooo on all charges.

It's a little known fact that before each episode of the Price is Right, Bob Barker warms up by saying, "Now bring on the bomb ass punani!"

It's a little known fact that in the Farmer's Almanac of 1972, that the weather for May 20th called for rain, clouds, and a chance of global thermonuclear war.

It's a little known fact that the arch-nemesis of the Polar Bear is the Equatorial Bear.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Bars: A Review

In today's society, there are myriad different sorts of alcoholic establishments.

Sports Bar - Filled mostly with two sorts of patron: the jock and the former jock. We really aren't in favor of the sports bar. We have better things to do than listen to a bunch of dudes who "could've been a contender". The older dudes talk about how these athletes today have it soft compared to what it was like in their day. You know, back when they walked to and from school in the snow, uphill both ways.

Tit Bar - Not really a popular place to go on a date. It does, however, have its advantages. At the tit club, you know the chicks are just after your money...unlike a regular bar where you may be dumb enough to think the ladies find you funny and attractive. We like the titties as much as the next guy (or girl) but the main problem with this kind of joint is that it is difficult to just have a drink. It's really interesting and, dare I say it...fascinating, that someone can pick up a quarter using only her labia...but, frankly, I'm trying to have a drink here and that is fucking up my shit. That being said, however, having a roomful of naked chicks is the realization of all your adolescent dreams. Plus - roomful of naked titties! Damn!

Crappy Shithole - The best! Once you get past the drug dealers, lack of safety, and questionable sanitation...they are a great place to have a drink. Everyone minds their own business. Unless, of course, they are provoked (although provocation doesn't take much in a joint like this). The music is usually good and the bar hookers are quite often capable of good to mediocre conversation. Our favorite part is the company. Where else do you have 68 year olds drinking - not because they enjoy it - but, instead, to chase the dark evil demons away?

A-List Bar (a.k.a. preppy bar) - Depends upon your taste. If you like overpriced drinks, easy sex, and stupid fights...this may very well be your place! We just question the entertainment level of any place where the patrons are too busy looking into the mirror to actually have a good time.

College Bar - If you are still in college...awesome! If not, they kinda suck. Anyone living in the real world gets annoyed by listening to cheesy existential conversation, rampant giggling, and a complete lack of practical knowledge. Plus...fuck Dave Matthews. Seriously. He's making the Baby Jesus weep.

Big Damn Bar (fictional) - A thin slice of heaven. The juke box never plays every song by a specific artist in sequential order. Plus...no new country. Cash, Jennings, Nelson (the older stuff), and Hank senior....we'll let those slide. But the new shit? That stuff can eat our collective asses. Boston Red Sox? On all the time. Metallica? Limited to three songs per hour. Bartenders? Yeah...they're hot.

Basically, most bars blow. Wait for the Big Damn Bar (now open for sponsorship. Think about it).

Sports Bar - Rating: D+
Tit Bar - Rating: B+
Crappy Shithole - Rating: B
Preppy Bar - Rating: D
College Bar - Rating: C-
Big Damn Bar - Rating: A

Monday, December 12, 2005

15 Really Bad Pick-Up Lines

1. Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?

2. Wanna see my penis?

3. Are you a hooker? Because I would totally pay to fuck you.

4. Let's have some sex. Or maybe just cuddle. Do you want to cuddle?

5. Sometimes I think that the high priest Gifantor from the planet Glaxor 5 can read my thoughts. If so, right now he is seeing me picturing doing naughty things to you.

6. I don't really want to go home and masturbate tonight. How about a pity fuck?

7. You look exactly like my ex-girlfriend. I never really got over her. Wanna make out?

8. I got a book on the Kama Sutra. Wanna try out some moves? If not, I have playstation...maybe we could play some Grand Theft Auto. And then have sex. Or just play Grand Theft Auto. Naked. Or maybe fully clothed. Your choice. I'm easy.

9. You're kinda pretty. Wanna make some amateur porn?

10. Have you ever wondered if maybe there is no real point or purpose to life? That maybe we are just some highly sentient monkeys floating around in the ether. That's kind of depressing. Let's have sex.

11. Are those real? Can I see them?

12. If you want to come back to my place I have, like, a shitload of porn.

13. Let's go back to my place. I'll bet I can make you orgasm in three minutes. If not, I'll already be asleep so you can go ahead and slip out to make fun of me to all your friends. Try not to wake me, OK?

14. Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world...no seriously. I really want to have sex with you.

15. If you do me, I promise I won't brag. Nobody ever has to know. Except Teddy. He sleeps in the bed with me. I'll make him look away, though. What do you say?

Saturday, December 10, 2005

Adulthood: A Review

Cast your mind back many a moon and recall when you were young and ignorant enough to believe that adulthood was the golden ticket. The one thought that carried you through the various ass-beatings by upperclassmen in school was the idea that one day when you were all grown up...you would show those assholes.

Well, here you are. Not what you thought it would be, is it?

The concept of adulthood always gave rise to the notion of complete freedom. No curfews, no parental regulations, no teaches, etc.

What a steamy crock of shit.

The same rules apply now that did back then...only now it is your employer making the rules and they are probably even dumber than the childhood regulations.

Running around and being a cool adult is pretty much not going to happen. Now as an adult it is your job to hide your adult nature to "protect the children". No porn for you, my good man!

The same women are still harshing your mojo, too. The cheerleader who never gave you the time of day is now the co-worker who laughs at your 2000 Geo Storm.

Who would have ever thought you would need Rogaine?

Remember when you thought being an adult meant poon-a-plenty? Nope. It's probably easier for the tombone player in a high school marching band to get some ass. At least there are other loser chicks in band.

Did you ever think you would be voluntarily watching C-Span?

When you got your first job at sixteen, you ignorantly assumed that having an income would allow you to do whatever you wanted with your new found purchasing power.


The truth is, you and your friends have shifts that conflict so much you haven't seen each other in months. Plus, in all your rampant stupidity, you immediately maxed out your new credit card so your next 15,000 paychecks are going straight to the good people at Visa. In retrospect, owning the entire DVD collections of South Park, The Simpsons, and The Family Guy probably wasn't the best investment. You can't eat comedy.

Those Viagra ads are getting less and less funny with each passing day, aren't they?

Remember when you thought masturbation was just a temporary stopgap until you become an adult at which point the poon would flow like wine?

Nope. You better take good care of that hand. It is the only real friend you have.

Do you recall back when being a rockstar seemed like a viable life choice?

Being an adult sucks. You never get to enjoy the shit you want because "you're an adult now". Apparently, adults don't get to read Batman comic books. Adults aren't supposed to laugh at dick and fart jokes, either. That will curtail any chance of getting laid you ever had....and the chance was always slim at best.

Staying up late watching Monty Python DVDs won't win much poon either.

Cartoons? Step away, chief. No woman in the western hemisphere is gonna allow that to happen.

What's all this shit about "having a life plan"? My plan was to not work and hang out with my friends. No one seems to be hiring for that position.

I don't mean to sound like a whiny bitch, but what happened to recess? Why couldn't we reinstate that?

How about nap time? Whou couldn't use some nap time? I believe we could attain world piece if we all had 45 minutes each afternoon for a little sleepytime.

There is one perk, though. I can walk into any bar and drink my sorrows away.

I'm gonna go take a nap.

Adulthood - Rating: D

Thursday, December 8, 2005

Nature: A Review

Nature. Hippies and other tree-hugging types are often going on and on about how great it is. Is it really?

BDF decided to investigate.

First off, there is no way in hell I am going to actually go camping or anything like that. I am a huge fan of central air and indoor plumbing. So camping is just out.

Instead, I have decided to spend a few leisurely hours in my front yard.

I'll go do that now.

OK. I gotta tell you. That was an incredibly bad idea. One time I told a guy who outweighed me by about fifty pounds that he could go fuck himself. That was a much better idea than this whole nature thing.

I began by sitting near a tree in the yard. The sun was shining and I had a nice Camel light going to help block the harmful effects of unfiltered nature air. Dogs and birds fart outside. I'm not going to risk breathing that stuff.

Soon enough, a cute little woodland creature of the squirrel persuasion began meandering my way. I put my cigarette out on the ground and reached my left hand out towards him. He looked fuzzy so I thought he might be fun to pet. Maybe we could bond and I could carry him around in my pocket. It would make for a really good conversation starter. At least, that is what was going through my mind at the time.

As the little guy neared me, I heard a strange sound from above. Looking up, I was greeting with the awe inspiring vision of a bird relieving himself (or herself...I don't know how you tell with birds). Unfortunately, the bird shit landed dead in my left eye.

I don't know if you have ever experienced this particular facet of nature...but that shit burns. A lot.

With the fury burning through my cornea, apparently I began flailing madly. I think the poor squirrel took this as a threat. In any case, he decided at that moment that his best course of action would be to sink his tiny jaws into my hand.

Seriously. Those little bastards have some really sharp teeth. This is something that I was wholly unaware of. Memo to Disney: Chip and Dale are far from accurate representations of these woodland hooligans.

After shaking the squirrel loose (which in actuality required bashing his tiny fuzzy form against the aforementioned tree repeatedly until unconsciousness took him) I ran inside to get a band-aid.

As I type this, I am noticing that the bite mark is rapidly turning a strange shade of purple. Much akin to the wardrobe Prince wore during his Purple Rain era.

Man...now that was a sweet movie. Occasionally it turns up on weekend television. Who would have thought that a dude with a jibungous pompadour and an outfit from the colonial era could get so much tail in Minnesota? Note to self: Minnesota is cool.

OK. I am beginning to notice that a strange and warm sensation is overcoming me. Slight feelings of the delusional type are filling my head.

Have you ever made an entire diorama of the Last Supper using only potatoes and dry macaroni? Me neither, but I am suddenly overcome with the desire to do so.

I think I should probably go to the hospital now.

Nature - Rating: F

Saturday, December 3, 2005

Why I Like Winter

Timmy Smith outlines his love of winter.

Little Known Facts

It's a little known fact that Russel Crowe carries around garlic in his pocket to ward off vampires and sea sprites, both of which are pretty common in December.

It's a little known fact that former members of Menudo are forced to jump off cliffs like lemmings at the age of thirty, so as not to confuse Latin children as to how many people actually make up the band Menudo.

It's a little known fact that I have a security blanket that I call Nuggles, and that I still sleep with it on cold nights, or whenever Transformers are on.

It's a little known fact that Santa Claus is able to deliver presents to all the good children of the world only because of his severe addiction to cocaine.

It's a little known fact that both NASCAR and NAMBLA were founded by Judy Garland as a tax defferment during the Great Depression.

It's a little known fact that cremated corpses can be rolled up and smoked like fatties, and that the street value of a well burnt corpse is over 500 euros in the south of France.

It's a little known fact that the word 'sports' comes from the Latin SpermatozoaPantaloonos, which was then shortened to "SPerm shORTS," or sports.

It's a little known fact that panty raids often end in death.

It's a little known fact that sometimes I sit on my hand until it falls asleep and then I pleasure myself with "the stranger". But only when I'm watching The Golden Girls. Otherwise it would be just plain weird.

It's a little known fact that if you play the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon....with Kevin Bacon, he shows you his penis at the end.

It's a little known fact that the Olsen Twins are actually highly sophisticated cyborgs whose original purpose was the domination of the country via their tween audience. Unfortunately, eating disorders and a rampant love of fame have derailed the original goal.

It's a little known fact that stapling a hymen above your bedpost will actually attract virgins running through your apartment complex.

It's a little known fact that a small percentage (approximately 2%) of people who get LASIK surgery find that six to eight weeks after the procedure, they develop the ability to see into the future. Unfortunately, it wears off three months later.

It's a little known fact that most Bibles in hotel rooms leave out the part where Jesus takes a few years off and starts a rock band called 'Shaggy and the Apostles'.

It's a little known fact that during the making of the hit movie, 'Three Men and a Baby', the child actor who played 'the Baby' was accidentally left in an aquarium for four solid weeks, just enough time for the child to learn to fend for itself, and start a new life under the sea, away from the prying eyes of the landpeople.

Friday, December 2, 2005

I Feel Bad For My Wife

I feel really bad for my wife. I'm not going to give you a bunch of bullshit reasons like "life isn't fair" or "her job isn't fulfilling enough".

I feel bad for my wife because she has to be married to me.

Some examples:

The Pudding

So before I went to the grocery, I asked Victoria if there was anything she would like. She told me she dug pudding. Upon further prodding, she told me that she really dug butterscotch.

I'm grocery shopping. I'm in the pudding aisle. I'm looking at my list. I see the kind she asked for. I'm looking over the shelves. I grab a package. I go home.

Now I hand her this package of like eight containers of pudding. I'm all proud of myself...like a kid who gathers up a bunch of shit in an upside-down frisbee and presents it to his mom as a pie.

And just like a patient loving mother would respond to that idiot child with the shit-pie, Victoria smiled and told me how happy she was and ate one of the containers of pudding.

About two days later she admitted that I got the wrong fucking pudding.

The Demon Gas

We were laying with the dogs on the couch and Murphy just let loose with a fart. Nay, fart is too small a word to describe the heinous odor eminating from his posterior. This poor boy was conjuring up some demons from the very depths of Hades. My head happened to be closer to him than Victoria was.

That smell fucked me up. Bad. My eyes teared up. I did your basic "Oh, Motherfucker! What the...?"

"What?" Victoria asked.

"Murphy just let fly with the nastiest fart I have ever had the misfortune of smelling" (which is way more verbose than I actually was at the time. I probably mumbled something about "fart...breathe....near death")

At this point, some level of my brain decided to make a joke...but said brain was hazed over with demon fart. What I said was "Jesus...it was so bad....I think I saw the future."

Now, I'll admit. I don't know what the hell that even means. I don't now, I didn't then. I even finished the statement with "Wait...I don't even know what that means." Which of course struck me as utterly hilarious. I laughed for about twenty minutes. Why? I really can't tell you. Maybe it was the toxic effect of the demon gas permeating my pre-frontal lobe.

Two hours later, Victoria and I are snuggled up and suddenly that pops back into my mind. What began as a small giggle culminated in my going off on a laughing jag for what was easily a half an hour.

Victoria, bless her, just held me and gave me this faraway look of infinite sadness...which I immediately recognized as the terror of the dawning realization that she married a man who has very special needs.

At that exact moment, my wife finally realized that she had married an idiot.

The Crime Spree

There was that time when I went on a fourteen state crime spree because I was pissed at her for washing the whites with the colors.

OK. I made that one up.

Seriously, though. I feel bad for my wife.

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