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Monday, November 21, 2005

Idiotic Shit I Believed When I Was A Child

Children don't really understand the world around them. Consequently, often times they create a whole new reality in their heads. This faux-reality should go away as one gets older. Otherwise you end up being John Hinkley or Charles Manson. That rarely works out well.

The following are some idiotic things I thought when I was a child.

Black and White World

Based on televised and photographic evidence I had compiled, I was convinced the entire world was black and white until about 1963. Then everything magically turned color. I would ask my mother what the world was like before color. She would usually just ignore me.

X-Ray Vision

If you hold your hand in front of your right eye and allow yourself to focus both eyes on an object just past your hand...it sort of appears that you are looking through a hole in your hand. Yeah....I thought I had X-ray vision for awhile there. Of course, in my defense, I was watching a lot of episodes of Superman so it seemed a viable power to have. Luckily, I never tried to fly.

Conditional Existence

For a brief time, I operated under the delusion that the existence of television shows was wholly dependent upon me observing them. Hence, if I didn't watch a particular television show that day...it simply never aired. That particular fantasy quickly crumbled when I heard others discussing watching something that I had yet to see. Clearly, time and television wait for no man. Not even me.

Water Filtration

After viewing commercials about water filters you can install on your tap, my sister and I set out to build one. Millions of dollars were soon to follow our great creation. Basically, we took two dixie cups and cut the bottoms out. The we poked a shitload of holes in a piece of paper and placed it between the cups. At this point, we would pour water through one cup, down through the holey paper, finally exiting the other cup. We were convinced the water tasted worlds better. No one else agreed. Additionally, we never sold our water filter and the millions we dreamt of are now lining someone else's pockets. Someone with an actual degree in some form of science.

Indians Among Us

I watched a great deal of Westerns on Saturday afternoons. Before cable television, the few channels that existed merely showed old movies on weekend afternoons. A steady diet of westerns convinced me that there were shitloads of Indians laying wait in any nearby wooded area. I was always afraid I would stumble onto a teepee or two and not know what to do (the old movies didn't exactly paint Native Americans in a flattering fashion...and I was a dumb kid). In my later teenage years, I tried to recruit some friends to actually do this (dress up like stereotypical Indians and hide in the woods) and scare the hell out of hikers. Nobody would do it. Buncha pussies.

Substance Abuse

When I was a child, I was convinced that drinking, smoking, etc. were very bad and I would never ever participate in anything like that. I was mistaken. Whoops.

In my adulthood, I rarely believe anything so outrageously idiotic as the things I believed as a child. I now understand the world better. I now know that the government has my best interest at heart. JFK was killed by a consortium of Italian mobsters, aliens, and CIA officials. The fluoride in the water is a CIA mind control device. George W. Bush is the greatest President in history and he really really cares about black people.

See. I'm not gullible at all anymore.

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