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Wednesday, November 2, 2005

15 More Egregiously Bad Opening Sentences

An addendum to our earlier 15 Egregiously Bad Opening Sentences.

1. After travelling for what seemed like hours, I pulled the El Camino over to the shoulder of the road. Bud pulled the cigarette from his mouth and said "yep, this seems like a good place to dump those dead hookers and rodeo clowns."

2. Walking past an alley, he noticed a woman being robbed by three swarthy men. Growing excited, Chip realized that this was his chance. He began farting madly.

3. Cornered by the three angry bikers, I suddenly realized that studying karate would have been a better way to spend the last three years of my life. Less so, haberdashery. I was screwed.

4. At that moment, I realized all those know-it-all fuckers were right. There was no way in hell I was going to get that squirrel out of my rectum without some serious medical assistance.

5. The third time I had vigorous sex with that week old watermelon I began to feel a little dirty.

6. As I wrapped the three dead hookers in plastic and deposited them in the trunk of my stolen Honda, I suddenly remembered that I had three overdue books from the library sitting on the kitchen counter. Additionally, there was a shitload of blood.

7. Unfortunately, I had walked for three blocks before I realized I had left my penis at the ATM machine. I would definitely have to go back.

8. When the beating stopped, I reached up and wiped the blood from my eyes. It will never cease to be amazed by the insane power of my three-year-old niece's overhand right.

9. Out of the corner of his eye, Newton noticed movement. It was that damn rodeo clown again. The fucker was following him.

10. "No, Fuck You," I shouted. My three-year-old niece simply wept softly in reply.

11. Persperation trickled down his forehead as Slaps McGee frantically tried to decide whether to cut the blue wire or the red one. Finally making a decision, he cut the blue wire. The display went dark. Two minutes later, Slaps realized that all he had done was successfully broken an alarm clock. There was no bomb in the nursery. He was more than a little embarassed. The children were still crying when he exited the building. The parents, however, were pissed.

12. There was no way in hell I was going to return that video tape...and there was nothing those fuckers could do to change my mind.

13. Have you ever had one of those days where you awaken and find your head lodged firmly in a bovine's ass? Thankfully, this wasn't one of those days.

14. I formally declared war on the entire continent of Asia on a Tuesday. By Wednesday, I still hadn't heard a reply. Things weren't going well.

15. Fuck them. I'll show them all. They will pay for their insolence.

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