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Sunday, October 30, 2005

A Short Piece Of Shitty Fiction

The fog slowly parted like the red sea and a man appeared betwixt the separated water droplets. The man had a rough countenance which was accentuated by his small and well groomed goatee. Stopping by a streetlight, he removed a cigarette from the depths of his cavernous coat as his other hand came up with a lighter that appeared almost as if by magic. He lit the cigarette.

Pondering the evenings events, the goateed man continued his ambling whilst puffing thoughtfully upon his tobacco stick. He was angry. Very perturbed.

Earlier, his wife had left him. While he was in the bathroom evacuating his bowels (at least that was the story he told her. In truth, he was vigorously masturbating.) she escaped quietly like a silent fart in the night.

The man stopped suddenly. He pulled his coat tighter around himself. He removed the cigarette from his mouth and threw it to the ground with great alacrity. Stomping it with his boot, he continued on his way.

With great alarm, the man suddenly recalled why he had been in the bathroom earlier. Back when he lied about needing to drop some logs. When, in fact, he was happily roughing up the suspect. The man remembered his reason for doing so: his wife was very untalented in bed. The thought alleviated some of his pain.

"Fuck her, anyway" he mumbled to himself.

Suddenly, the silence of the evening was shattered as a large black automobile tore into view. Speeding along, it popped up onto the curb. Attempting to return the automotive beast to the road, the driver pulled hard to the left.

The car spun wildly and careened towards the man with the goatee.

He had just enough time to mutter "Oh shit!"...and then he was dead. Before dying, the man was suddenly overcome with the realization that all his time spent at the learning annex studying marine biology was all for naught. Life sure can be funny.

The driver continued along and eventually stopped at a gas station for some coffee. At the station, he was robbed at gun point.

"Fucking lowlifes" he grumbled as the thief walked away. Hearing this, the thief turned back around and shot the man dead.

The thief continued on his way.

Coincidentally, five years later, the thief married the goateed man's wife. He, too, thought she was incredibly bad in bed.

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