Updated sporadically! Guaranteed!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Ohio: An Explanation

I live in Ohio. If you don't live here, I'm sure your head is filled with clap-trap about farming and outhouses.

Nope. That's Alabama.

While Ohio does have farms, the vast majority of our state has actual houses. And indoor plumbing. Which is nice.

We have an abundance of roadkill. To this day, I've never seen a live possum. I'm starting to believe that the government breeds them, kills them, and lays them by the side of the road just for ambiance.

On the topic of roads, try to enjoy our highways. Seriously, try it. You can't. At any given moment, at least 140 miles of them are under construction.

How long will they be under construction? Hard to tell. You see the construction signs...occasionally you might spy some tools and vehicles...but nary a worker in sight. If you do happen to spot a construction worker, you won't see him doing anything other than eating lunch. They enjoy eating. We all do.

Frankly, you have better odds of being sodomized by a unicorn than you do of seeing a construction worker actively constructing. Actually, the odds are the same. They are both mythical.

Almost two years ago, the construction of an Arby's was announced a mere mile from my house. Two weeks ago, they actually started pouring a foundation.

Yep. Life is slow around here. Which makes it all the more odd that so many people seem addicted to NASCAR. I like fast vehicles as much as the next guy, but I don't really see the skill in driving in a wide oval for two hours or however long it takes before a winner is chosen. I can make left turns for an hour, easy. Maybe even two hours. After three hours, I'm sure I would be getting the itch to make a right turn just to shake things up...but the big concrete wall to my right would probably disabuse me of that temptation.

If you sit on any street corner for fifteen minutes, you are guaranteed to see at least eighteen cars with "3" stickers. For those of you with actual branches on your family tree, some explanation may be needed. "3" was the number for Dale Earnhardt. He drove in wide ovals. Apparently, he was pretty good at it. One day, he turned right. Bad things ensued. Now many a pickup truck is emblazoned with his sticker in memory of the man with a rather large mustache and a devious ability to turn left.

We also have plenty of violence. No square dancing and spring festivals for us. Nope. We have all manner of hard narcotics and gang violence. To be honest, it's something we begun about ten years ago to make it more exciting for the tourists. When everyone from other states leave, we go right back to shucking corn and throwing horseshoes.

Unfortunately, the influence of other "hipper" states is beginning to creep in. Last weekend, I spent over an hour trying to find a place to get a turkey sandwich. That is all I wanted. You would be amazed how difficult it has become to get a basic turkey sandwich.

The first place made all their sandwiches with Italian dressing. Not just in the sandwich, which ostensibly you could request them to omit, but actually baked into the bread. Additionally, they didn't have any kinds of bread that would be recognizable to regular people. No white. No wheat. Just names that don't signify the contents at all. Summer Harvest. Italian Vegetable Medley. Shit like that. WTF?

The second place smelled of a vanilla candle when entering. I began choking slightly. Their bread selection was even more obtuse. The names were an advanced cipher that I couldn't break. Also, no turkey. You could get turkey in conjunction with some other articles, but not alone. They, too, cooked strange things into the bread thereby giving you an ingredient you never asked for.

I finally ended up at a grocery buying a plain turkey sandwich in the deli. It was slightly dry, but still delightful.

It is an odd combination here in Ohio. While you have the snobby tomato-bread-with-Italian-dressing sandwich people, you also have NASCAR loving, gun toting, proud rednecks. With rebel flags. Seriously.

For a state that was never part of the Confederacy...one that is only considered "south" if you are standing in Toronto...we have a veritable shitload of rednecks. They, too, are uncomfortable with the strange breads.

Much like other states, we have spring, summer, autumn, and winter. We have the same holidays as everyone else.

But we have more per capita Wall-Marts, drugstores, and bars than any other state.

Plus, more Dale Earhardt stickers.

If you ever decide to visit, bring sandwiches. Ours suck.

Comments :

0 comments to “Ohio: An Explanation”

Post a Comment

Related Posts with Thumbnails