Norway. Where is it?
Somewhere up north, scientists tell us. Anything more specific is anyone's guess.
Many tales have come forth from explorers who claim to have landed on its golden shores. For instance, some claim its shores are golden. Others tell tales of nude body art and strange experimental theater. Still others have come forth with bizarre stories of cannibalism and the celebration of Kwanzaa.
We here at BDF decided to look into this possibly mythical land.
Being too lazy to do any actual research, the following is some shit we completely made up.
All Nordic people are giants. Midgets there start at 6' 3".
The men each have three penises; the women have two vaginas. Orgies only require two people up there.
People in Norwegia (as the natives call it) are taught to lasso and ride wild reindeer, which is the primary means of transportation in Norwegia.
Nordic people are responsible for the bulk (98%) of the ever widening hole in the Ozone layer.
Norwegia has the highest population of gun wielding serial killers. But as all Nordic people are, in fact, bullet proof, the casualty rate is quite low.
Norwegia has a great many fjords. Fjords are tiny rodent-like creatures known for being quite delicious when batter-dipped and deep fried.
Nordic people are known for being witty practical jokers. The most common "joke" is to run up to one another during a solemn occasion (such as mass, weddings, births, etc.) and shoot each other in the head or groin area. As mentioned above, Nordic people are bulletproof so fatalities are quite rare, but the comedy flows like wine.
The first, and only, completely urine powered automobile was created in Norwegia. It gets about 1/4 mile per gallon of urine.
The top grossing film in Norwegia's history is Back To The Future III. The second highest grossing film was Sideways.
The largest Paul Giamatti fan club in the world was founded in Norwegia.
Being so incredibly huge, finding clothing that fits is difficult for the average Norwegian. Therefore, fashion dictates either wearing a very large tarp, or frolicking in the nude. Luckily for travelers to those golden shores, Norwegians are quite attractive.
We could probably look all this stuff up, but being American we prefer to stay stubbornly ignorant of other countries and cultures.
Norway - Rating: B-
Norwegia - Rating: A+
Sunday, October 2, 2005
Norway. Where is it?