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Monday, October 24, 2005

Fast Food

Much akin to our earlier articles on beer and booze, we thought we would take a moment to meander through the wilderness that is the fast food industry.

McDonald's - First, a note to people who go through the McDonald's drive-thru: the menu only changes about once every five years. You know what they offer. Stop fiddle-fucking around and order some food. I'm behind you getting more and more pissed off because it is only going to take me 12 seconds to order my food and I have to wait for you to go through the whole "um....hmmmm....what sounds good? hmmmmm" routine. In any case, McDonald's is pretty bland. The new McNuggets may be healthier and all-white meat...but the old mystery meat McNuggets tasted better.

Arby's - Want roast beef? This is the good stuff. Want a deli sandwich? You are in the wrong place. Yeah, they offer them...but who cares? You don't order pizza from a sandwich joint, and you don't order a sandwich from a pizza joint. When I go to Arby's I want roast beef. When I want something deli I go to Subway.

Subway - Ostensibly a healthier alternative. Although, I'm not sure how a pizza sub or a meatball sub is a better option that Arby's. The real problem here is the fact that they call their employees "sandwich artists". I just want a turkey sub with mayo and green pepper. That's it. Everytime I order, I get interrogated about why I don't want lettuce and tomatoes. It's as if I stole the Cyan Yellow and Forest Green from this "Sandwich Artist" and now she can't make her art correctly. It's just an inflated title...you are a sandwich maker. Deal with it.

Fazoli's - Italian fast food? Bad idea. The less said about that the better.

Burger King - Dear Burger King: Oh, Whopper. Oh, how I love thee. But the King is fucking creeping me out in those commercials where he just shows up and stares at someone for ten minutes. If that guy shows up at my house, I'm going to kick his giant king-head in and then go get a whopper. Additionally, I heard that Humpty-Hump once got busy in one of your bathrooms. That's kinda wrong.

Wendys - No matter what bullshit reason you come up with, there is just no logical reason for a square beef patty on a round bun. It's just stupid.

Chick-Fil-A - Hands down the best chicken sandwich you will eat. Stop screwing around with the chicken offerings at Mickey D's and BK....get your ass over to Chick-Fil-A.

Taco Bell - Because you are just too damn regular. You gotta shake up those bowels. Try the Pinto's N' Cheese coupled with a 7 Layer Burrito. That oughta do the trick.

Carl's Jr. - I'm way too hung up on the grammatical atrocity that is their name to even try eating there. Do I really want to eat Carl's Junior? I don't think so. I don't even want to eat his Senior. I don't want to eat anything that may have every been a part of Carl. That disturbs me. No offense, Carl.

KFC - I remember back when their name was still Kentucky Fried Chicken. Good stuff. Not healthy...but tasty as hell.

Long John Silvers - Named after a fictional pirate, the treasures within are abundant. Wow. I should write advertising copy. Seriously, the fish is good and those hush puppies with change your religion. Don't know what they are called hush puppies. They don't seem to be of the canine persuasion...too round. Whatever the hell they are made of, I dig 'em.

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