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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

People: A Review

They seem to be everywhere you go. No matter how far away, day or night, everywhere you look...people.

They won't allow you a moments peace. Tall ones. Short ones. Fat ones. Skinny ones. They're everywhere!

What is their purpose? And more importantly, what have they ever done for me?

Sure, many of you are probably saying something along the lines of "people created television", or "how about the internet?", or "toilet paper". All fine inventions.

"How about public transportation?" some might ask. But really, does anyone like public transportation?

"Computers", "beverage coasters", and "microwave ovens" are also some great inventions I will concede that people have contributed.

Some people might even say "the aardvark". But those people would be fucking idiots.

Now, just because a few people have contributed some nice things doesn't mean the entire herd is worth keeping around. What has the average person done except eat Big Macs, watch Seinfeld, try to get laid, and sleep a lot? Not much, I say. Haven't done much at all.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm no bigot. Some of my best friends are people. I've known quite a lot of good people in my time. But that still doesn't mean they're all good.

You may even be asking yourself about my qualifications for reviewing people. Well, Sociology is the study of human social behavior, especially the study of the origins, organization, institutions, and development of human society. Behind me on the wall is a degree in Sociology.

By "degree" I mean "turkey sandwich". By "on the wall" I mean on a plate in front of me.

None-the-less, I present the evidence:

In the 80's there were whole groups of people who actually watched Kate & Allie.

Everybody Loves Raymond is in syndication due to an actual demand to watch that crap.

Michael Bolton has recorded more than two albums...because people buy them.

Kathie Lee Gifford has a fan base...of people.

People watch Bill O'Reilly...and think he is intelligent.

If it weren't for people, we wouldn't have to deal with the Republican party. Or the Democrats, for that matter.

People are the sole reason we have overpopulation.

People are the reason Paulie Shore had a career, no matter how short lived.

People insist on growing old and boring us all without bullshit stories about what it used to be like. We all know the stories are crap…we just can't prove it because everyone else who was there is dead.

You know what I like better than people? The Ptarmigan. I'm not kidding.

Did you know that they have a molting cycle unique among birds. No shit. They assume a white plumage in winter, spring and fall they assume more colorful plumages. Their feet, which are normally quite sparsely feathered, become more heavily feathered in winter creating a "snowshoe" effect.

Ingenious little buggers.

Ptarmigan is the common name for three species constituting a genus of the grouse subfamily. The species are found in mountainous, alpine, and tundra areas of the northern hemisphere.

The three species are as follows: the white-tailed ptarmigan which abides in the high mountains of western North America; and the willow and rock ptarmigan, which are circumpolar and nonmigratory. They are among the very few nonmigratory birds of the Arctic, in fact.

There has never been any conclusive proof that Ptarmigans enjoy disco, as some people do. There is also no evidence to support the claim that Ptarmigans watch Who Want's To Be A Millionaire, as many people have and continue to do.

They are far superior to the average person, if you ask me.

People - Rating: F
Ptarmigan - Rating: A+

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