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Friday, September 30, 2005


Some of you may be old enough to recall back when merchandising for film and television was still in its infancy. Often times a product was released that had nothing to do with the item it was pimping.

C3PO's came out around the same time the horrible Star Wars cartoons premiered.

Droids starred a badly animated C3PO and equally poorly drawn R2D2 and their myraid inane adventures.

The cereal fared about as well as the cartoon series.

Not well at all.

The less said about the other cartoon, Ewoks, the better off we will all be.

Do robots even eat cereal? Is a kid supposed to feel more like C3PO by eating oat cereal?

C3PO was a pussy, anyway. I don't know of any kid who ever pretended to be that guy.

One of the worst product tie-ins in history was timed to coincide with Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of the Anthony Burgess novel The Clockwork Orange.

Clockies was a cereal aimed squarely at children. It featured large fluffy marshmellows in some...well...interesting shapes.

Which is all the more confusing as the film has some very graphic scenes that would pretty much guarantee it will never becoming a family staple.

Beyond how wildly inappropriate the source material was, I don't recall a big cereal eating scene in the film rendering the ties from the film to the cereal tenuous at best.

Additionally, the cereal tasted like ass.

One of the more amusing failures was based on the cult hit Fight Club.

Fight Chow was marketed as a fighting suppliment.

Ironic seeing as how the main thrust of the film (and the book from which it was based) was solidly anti-commercial.

This product was unable to find an audience. Much like David Fincher was later unable to find one for Panic Room, which luckily had no cereal to accompany it.

We hope you have enjoyed this brief sojourn through some very poorly chosen cereal tie-ins. Always remember: while it may make a good film, it doesn't mean you would want to eat it.

Note to Legal Counsel for the breakfast cereal industry:

We admit that everything in the above article (except for the stuff about the horrible C3PO's) is complete and utter horseshit. We made it all up. Please don't sue us.

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