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Friday, September 30, 2005

Cereal

Some of you may be old enough to recall back when merchandising for film and television was still in its infancy. Often times a product was released that had nothing to do with the item it was pimping.

C3PO's came out around the same time the horrible Star Wars cartoons premiered.

Droids starred a badly animated C3PO and equally poorly drawn R2D2 and their myraid inane adventures.

The cereal fared about as well as the cartoon series.

Not well at all.

The less said about the other cartoon, Ewoks, the better off we will all be.

Do robots even eat cereal? Is a kid supposed to feel more like C3PO by eating oat cereal?

C3PO was a pussy, anyway. I don't know of any kid who ever pretended to be that guy.





One of the worst product tie-ins in history was timed to coincide with Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of the Anthony Burgess novel The Clockwork Orange.

Clockies was a cereal aimed squarely at children. It featured large fluffy marshmellows in some...well...interesting shapes.

Which is all the more confusing as the film has some very graphic scenes that would pretty much guarantee it will never becoming a family staple.

Beyond how wildly inappropriate the source material was, I don't recall a big cereal eating scene in the film rendering the ties from the film to the cereal tenuous at best.

Additionally, the cereal tasted like ass.





One of the more amusing failures was based on the cult hit Fight Club.

Fight Chow was marketed as a fighting suppliment.

Ironic seeing as how the main thrust of the film (and the book from which it was based) was solidly anti-commercial.

This product was unable to find an audience. Much like David Fincher was later unable to find one for Panic Room, which luckily had no cereal to accompany it.





We hope you have enjoyed this brief sojourn through some very poorly chosen cereal tie-ins. Always remember: while it may make a good film, it doesn't mean you would want to eat it.

Note to Legal Counsel for the breakfast cereal industry:

We admit that everything in the above article (except for the stuff about the horrible C3PO's) is complete and utter horseshit. We made it all up. Please don't sue us.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

15 Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Girlfriend

1. Oh...how cute...what am I supposed to do with that little thing?

2. Holy Shit! Your tits are bigger than mine.

3. OK...after that...I am definitely a lesbian.

4. My ex was better.

5. Ouch! Do you even know what you are doing?

6. The last guy was better.

7. Let's go to the mall!

8. Can we just snuggle?

9. You're done already?!

10. I don't swallow.

11. You liked my mother, right?

12. Can I see the remote?

13. Let's watch ice skating!

14. I'm sorry I messed up the sheets. I can get that menstruation out.

15. Let's watch Somewhere in Time!

Friday, September 16, 2005

Three Pacinos


A brief rountable discussion with three Pacinos:

Lieutenant Colonel Frank Slade, John Milton, and Ricky Roma.


BDF: Welcome, various Pacinos. What shall I call you to better differentiate which Pacino I am speaking to?

Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Just call me Frank. Call me Mr. Slade. Call me... Colonel, if you must, just don't call me 'Sir'.

Ricky Roma: Rick-y Rom-a.

John Milton: Oh, I have so many names...Call me Dad.

BDF: Um...calling you "Dad"....that would make me a little uncomfortable.

Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Hoo-Hah!

BDF: Yes. Hoo-hah, indeed. Anyway...so, the ladies. You guys like the ladies, yes?

John Milton: A woman's shoulders are the front lines of her mystique, and her neck, if she's alive, has all the mystery of a border town. A no-man's land in that battle between the mind and the body.

Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Women! What can you say? Who made 'em? God must have been a fuckin' genius. The hair... They say the hair is everything, you know. Have you ever buried your nose in a mountain of curls... just wanted to go to sleep forever? Or lips... and when they touched, yours were like... that first swallow of wine... after you just crossed the desert. Tits. Hoo-ah! Big ones, little ones, nipples staring right out at ya, like secret searchlights. Mmm. Legs. I don't care if they're Greek columns... or secondhand Steinways. What's between 'em... passport to heaven. I need a drink. Yes, Mr Sims, there's only two syllables in this whole wide world worth hearing: pussy. Hah! Are you listenin' to me, son? I'm givin' ya pearls here.

BDF: So I would assume that means you do, in fact, love the ladies.

Lt. Col. Frank Slade: When in doubt... fuck.

BDF: Right. Well, I'm sure you multiple Pacinos have had your way with many ladies. Don't you ever feel any guilt about dipping your wick so often?

John Milton: Guilt is like a bag of fuckin' bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down....Free will, it is a bitch.

Ricky Roma: You ever take a dump made you feel like you'd just slept for twelve hours?

Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Uh-oh, we got a moron here.

BDF: Agreed, Lt. Col. I have no idea what Mr. Roma is talking about.

Ricky Roma: They say that it was so hot in the city today, grown men were walking up to cops on street corners begging them to shoot.

Lt. Col. Frank Slade: [shouting] I'm in the dark, here!

BDF: I, too, am more than a little confused by Mr. Roma's comments.

Ricky Roma: Oh, I'm gonna have your job, shithead.

Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Hoo-Hah!

BDF: I'm not sure how you could get me fired. I don't really have a boss, per se.

Lt. Col. Frank Slade: Hoo-Hah!

BDF: Hoo-hah, indeed.




Wednesday, September 14, 2005

People: A Review

They seem to be everywhere you go. No matter how far away, day or night, everywhere you look...people.

They won't allow you a moments peace. Tall ones. Short ones. Fat ones. Skinny ones. They're everywhere!

What is their purpose? And more importantly, what have they ever done for me?

Sure, many of you are probably saying something along the lines of "people created television", or "how about the internet?", or "toilet paper". All fine inventions.

"How about public transportation?" some might ask. But really, does anyone like public transportation?

"Computers", "beverage coasters", and "microwave ovens" are also some great inventions I will concede that people have contributed.

Some people might even say "the aardvark". But those people would be fucking idiots.

Now, just because a few people have contributed some nice things doesn't mean the entire herd is worth keeping around. What has the average person done except eat Big Macs, watch Seinfeld, try to get laid, and sleep a lot? Not much, I say. Haven't done much at all.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm no bigot. Some of my best friends are people. I've known quite a lot of good people in my time. But that still doesn't mean they're all good.

You may even be asking yourself about my qualifications for reviewing people. Well, Sociology is the study of human social behavior, especially the study of the origins, organization, institutions, and development of human society. Behind me on the wall is a degree in Sociology.

By "degree" I mean "turkey sandwich". By "on the wall" I mean on a plate in front of me.

None-the-less, I present the evidence:

In the 80's there were whole groups of people who actually watched Kate & Allie.

Everybody Loves Raymond is in syndication due to an actual demand to watch that crap.

Michael Bolton has recorded more than two albums...because people buy them.

Kathie Lee Gifford has a fan base...of people.

People watch Bill O'Reilly...and think he is intelligent.

If it weren't for people, we wouldn't have to deal with the Republican party. Or the Democrats, for that matter.

People are the sole reason we have overpopulation.

People are the reason Paulie Shore had a career, no matter how short lived.

People insist on growing old and boring us all without bullshit stories about what it used to be like. We all know the stories are crap…we just can't prove it because everyone else who was there is dead.

You know what I like better than people? The Ptarmigan. I'm not kidding.

Did you know that they have a molting cycle unique among birds. No shit. They assume a white plumage in winter, spring and fall they assume more colorful plumages. Their feet, which are normally quite sparsely feathered, become more heavily feathered in winter creating a "snowshoe" effect.

Ingenious little buggers.

Ptarmigan is the common name for three species constituting a genus of the grouse subfamily. The species are found in mountainous, alpine, and tundra areas of the northern hemisphere.

The three species are as follows: the white-tailed ptarmigan which abides in the high mountains of western North America; and the willow and rock ptarmigan, which are circumpolar and nonmigratory. They are among the very few nonmigratory birds of the Arctic, in fact.

There has never been any conclusive proof that Ptarmigans enjoy disco, as some people do. There is also no evidence to support the claim that Ptarmigans watch Who Want's To Be A Millionaire, as many people have and continue to do.

They are far superior to the average person, if you ask me.

People - Rating: F
Ptarmigan - Rating: A+

BabelJoke

I have never really been one for telling jokes. Occasional humorous stories. Sporadic witty asides. But standard jokes have never been my forte.

I thought I would try one.

"So these two Irishmen walk into a bar. Migranes ensued."

Hmmm. It isn't really a punchline and then rimshot kind of joke. It should be wittier.

Maybe if it was in French....en français, as it were.

Luckily, I have access to the beautiful babelfish. Onward!

"Ainsi ces deux Irlandais marchent dans une barre. Migranes s'est ensuivi."

Getting there.

How about Dutch? Not really a culture known for ribald comedy, per se...but we will give it a go.

"Aldus lopen deze twee Ieren in een staaf. Migranes heeft zich gevolgd"

I can't really tell. I have no idea how to read Dutch. I actually don't really know anything about the Dutch culture. I probably shouldn't have even bothered to translate it into Dutch. Nevermind.

Moving on.....possibly Italian, one of the more romantic languages. At least, that is what I hear.

"Così questi due Irlandesi vanno in una sbarra. Migranes si è seguito."

That isn't too bad. I think we are getting closer to comedy gold here.

Well, the joke has been most of the way around the world. At this point, I figured I would translate is back into English to see if the comedy had percolated to a fine brew.

"Therefore these two Irishes go in a slab. Migranes has been followed."

Um....no. Not really.

Well, it still somehow seems funnier than the first version.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Cartoons Exposed!

Some of you may be familiar with the horribly racist stereotypes often used in WWII era cartoons. Even Bugs Bunny's hands aren't clean on this state of affairs.

What has remained hidden until this time is how many cartoons continued unflattering portrayals well into the 60's and 70's.

For instance, in one episode of the beloved Scooby-Doo, after capturing Old Man Pistone, Fred calls the man a very unflattering name.

Old Man Pistone: ...and I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids!
Fred: (chuckling to himself) Shut up, Wop.


Shocking!

Obviously, that episode only aired once. The outcry was so vast that producers scrambled to create a likable ethnic character to join the gang. Their attempt left something to be desired.

Midget Mick was a vertically challenged Irishman who joined the gang after they solved the case of the Bashful Banshee. Midget Mick helped the gang apprehend Old Man O'Malley and stop his nefarious plot to turn a sweet tourist destination in Loughrea into a haven for horrible industrial polluters.





After joining up with the gang, Midget Mick lasted exactly two episodes as his constant drinking and fighting was deemed not only wildly offensive, but really in poor taste for a children's cartoon.

Plus, midgets were pissed.

Same dialogue from Midget Mick's tenure with the Scooby Gang:

Shaggy: Like, I'm scared Scoob. Let's scram!
Scooby: Ro-kay!
Midget Mick: Where's me drink! Where's me drink!


Midget Mick was quickly replaced with Scrappy-Doo.

While Scrappy had most of the same characteristics of Midget Mick, he wasn't as overtly Irish and didn't appear to have a drinking problem. To this day, many people of Irish descent abhor Scrappy-Doo and recognize him as the slightly less offensive Irish stereotype he truly is.

After the whole Midget Mick debacle, the cartoon industry usually stuck to alien sidekicks like Great Gazoo or Bat-Mite.

But it wasn't too long before the industry tried its hand at something a little edgier. In 1975, a new character was introduced.

Did you know Hong Kong Phooey had a sidekick at one point named Kap'n Klansman? It's true!





Phooey (who was himself a pretty egregious walking stereotype) and the Kap'n would engage in randy banter about foreigners and their drain on the national economy.

It was all quite tasteless.

Same dialogue from a conversation between the odious Kap'n Klansman and Hong Kong Phooey:

Hong Kong Phooey: Hey Kap'n! Whatcha up to?
Kap'n Klansman: Oh well...you know...I'm just thinking about all the dirty mexicans invading our country.
Hong Kong Phooey: Um...yeah. Well...how about we go fight some crime?
Kap'n Klansman: Nah. I'm just gonna go burn some crosses or something. You go on ahead.


After seven overtly repugnant episodes, Kap'n Klansman was quietly removed from the show and all references to his tenure have since been removed.

We here at BDF will remain ever vigilant looking out for such offenses to popular culture and the overall fabric of the American psyche. We will keep you notified of anything else we may discover and we hope you have learned a little something about tolerance.

Note to Legal Counsel for Hanna-Barbera:
We admit that everything in the above article is complete and utter horseshit. We made it all up. Please don't sue us.

Wednesday, September 7, 2005

Toby's Drawings

As I have mentioned before, my neighbors have this really cute kid named Toby. He is eight years old (and loves telling you that every few seconds). Apparently, he has developed an interest in art.

Every now and again he will knock on my door and present me with a few pictures that he has drawn. They were pretty rough at first, but they are getting better.

Recently, he has become interested in comic strips and comic books. Now many of his pictures are in a series telling a story. Usually about his family, friends, or school.

These newest ones....

























I can't help but be a little disturbed about those last couple. I mean, yeah, we do get alot of birds around here....but that is ridiculous.

That only happened like one time, and Toby was only three. There is no way he remembers that.

Sunday, September 4, 2005

Tommy's Cartoons

So my neighbors have this really cute kid named Toby. He is eight years old (and loves telling you that every few seconds). Apparently, he has developed an interest in art.

Every now and again he will knock on my door and present me with a few pictures that he has drawn. They were pretty rough at first, but they are getting better.

Recently, he has become interested in comic strips and comic books. Now many of his pictures are in a series telling a story. Usually about his family, friends, or school.

None of that matters right now.

The point of this article is that my little pal Toby has an older brother. I met him earlier today.

He seems to be a fine strapping lad of fifteen. Like his little brother, Tommy (that's his name, I'm not making any of this shit up as I go) has a passion for art.

Unlike Toby's odd comic strips, Tommy wants to be a newspaper cartoonist. He showed me some single panel cartoons he has been working on.

I looked them over and was a wee bit unsure where exactly he thought he could publish these. Of course, that's when the question was asked.

"Could you please post these on your website so people can check 'em out and let me know what they think?"

My first thought was: How the hell does this kid know about Big Damn Funny? Is there no parental supervision anymore?

My second thought was: Sure. Fuck it. I'll post them.

Here they are.













I admire his drive and creativity...but I'm not sure that last one should really be printed in a newspaper.

Friday, September 2, 2005

Big Damn Poetry

For your cultural edification, we offer these tasteful pieces of poesy.



Morning Wood
Sometimes I drink coffee.
Sometimes I drink tea.
It makes no difference what I drink
I always have to pee.

First thing in the morning,
my wood is in full flower.
Eventually, I just give up,
and aim it toward the shower.





Smokey the Bear
Smokey....Smokey....Smokey
Why do you have that name?
For if you put out fires
Shouldn't your name be....water?





If My Ass Was A Flower
If my ass was a flower
the sun would make it bloom.
I'd look upon it fondly
I'd brighten up the room.

My ass would be quite lovely.
The world would come a-calling.
I'd have to watch for bees
who'd fly up my ass for pollen.

If my ass was a flower
I'd fart sweet potpourri.
Clothing would be pointless.
Pants? Hey, none for me.



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