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Friday, August 19, 2005

Women: A Review

Women. We've all seen them. Some of us have dated them. Others actually are one of them.

A few of us have married one of them. Some have married more than one of them. But those are polygamists. We will talk about them some other time.

So what is the deal with women? Seriously. Is it a mental imbalance? Is it their fault they just plain make no damn sense?

They lie. Usually not about something huge...like you won't be fifteen years into your marriage before you discover that her real name is Javier Sanchez. Nothing like that. Just the little stuff. A lot.

For instance, when you start dating a girl, they will often ask you how many women you have been with. Seriously...don't answer. You don't even want to be having this conversation. She will give you a relatively low number. But as time goes on...she will let new intel slip. You'll be like "Hey. I don't remember you mentioning this guy before". Her answer? "I don't count him."

Don't count him?

Of course, it's perfectly logical to her to just arbitrarily rewrite her own sexual history. She slept with that guy in April and everyone knows that month doesn't count (or whatever other bullshit loophole she created for herself). If you tried that? You would just be a liar. And she will never ever let you forget it.

Women cheat. It is pretty much impossible to be playing a game with a woman and leave for a moment (restroom, phone, etc.) without having her immediately begin cheating her ass off. She will look at your cards, move the chess pieces around, keep rethrowing her darts until she gets the score she wants, etc. It's probably not her fault...she is just inherently evil.

Not evil, you say? How about this classic number: how many activities in life has your average woman gotten out of by claiming it was "that time of the month"? Shitloads, my friend. Shitloads. If you don't believe it...you are just being naive.

Plus, they get to cry their way out of everything. Speeding ticket? Tears a-flowing. Suddenly...no ticket. Seriously, guys...try that one. Let's see how well it works for you. You are going to look really cool when they take your ass downtown and throw you in a cell with tear-stained cheeks.

I think this is my favorite: the Jedi Mindtrick. They all know it. A woman fucks up. I mean...she is straight up, dead in the wrong. You are pissed. You start telling her how she shouldn't have done what she did. Now the tears begin. Slowly at first...then the barrage of salty effluence. Ten minutes later, somehow you are apologizing and she is actually forgiving you. As you walk away, there is a small tingle in the back of your head. Deep down you know something just happened. Also...a small piece of your soul just died.

Granted....they are really attractive. And sure...they can make you feel all manly and important from time to time. Sure...they feel neat.

But is it worth it? Really?

Yep...I'm sleeping on the couch tonight. And for the foreseeable future.

The revolution begins on my couch.

Women - Rating: D-

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