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Wednesday, August 3, 2005

Two Embarrassing Moments

The Periscope

When I was in high school, many moons ago, I fell asleep in biology class. Now, falling asleep wasn't something particularly noteworthy for me. Frankly, I probably spent about 75% of my high school attendance asleep.

This time was different.

Apparently, whilst relaxing in the arms of morpheus, I began to pitch a tent. Now, popping a chub while sleeping isn't anything new. All guys know this. It is pretty much par for the course. But see...I didn't know I had the chub.

I awoke, threw my arms up and begin to yawn and stretch. At that moment, there was a piercing scream from the girl seated next to me.

It seems that my "boys" decided to send up a periscope.

My wood had breached the underwear perimeter and headed for the light. What this poor lass saw as she glanced over towards me was about 25% of my penis just sticking right out of the top of my pants. The view was facilitated by the fact that my shirt had risen up while I was stretching. Almost like a stage curtain for a pants burlesque number.

I kinda feel bad about that.

The Nameless Wind

One year, shortly after Christmas, I decided to return some unwanted gifts. As this was not a new or original idea, I found myself in a rather long line to reach the return counter.

As I bided my time, waiting to return my products, I felt a stirring in my gut. Something evil was brewing. Something which desired release posthaste.

I held as long as I could, but as the sweat began to percolate upon my brow, I was forced to let the little guy go.

Sometimes you get lucky as release an S.B.D. (silent, but deadly). I was not lucky.

You know how at the beginning of Pink Panther films the orchestra dies off kilter and kinda drags out and kills that last note? That was eerily similar to the dulcet tones of the wind which escaped my poor unsuspecting buttocks.

Everyone noticed. Honestly, I don't know how they couldn't. I had a tuba player stashed in the rear of my Levis.

So I did the logical thing. I passed the buck. I began to turn to the person behind me saying "Jesus!"

As that moment, I realized that the person behind me was an eighty year-old woman.

She looked around, dropped her head, and loudly apologized.

Yep. She took the blame. I don't know if it was mere chivalry, or if her advanced age had caused her to not recall whether or not it truly was hers.

In any case, I definitely feel like an ass about that.

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