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Saturday, August 6, 2005

TV Shows We'd Like To See

Television has become a mundane and mindnumbingly stupid medium of entertainment. We here at Big Damn Funny have come up with some suggestions to revitalize and reinvigorate television.

Shows We'd Like To See: Malcolm X Edition

Malcolm X in the Middle - Beginning next season, Malcolm in the Middle changes tone. A new story arc unfolds as young Malcolm gets caught selling marijuana to the other kids in his class. He is sentenced to two years in a juvenile institution. While serving his time, Malcolm discovers the teachings of the Honorable Elijah Muhammad. Upon his release, Malcolm decides to drop his "slave name" and will be henceforth known as Malcolm X.

Malcolm X Files - Malcolm is an agent in the Euro-centric and racist FBI.. He slowly uncovers evidence about a global conspiracy involving...white people. Armed with his new found evidence, Malcolm joins with his partner Foxy Scully, a brash young black woman who is skeptical of Malcolm's beliefs, to take on "the man".

Malcolm X-Men - Based loosely on the hit film "X-Men", Malcolm X-Men is the story of genetically superior members of the Nation of Islam. These Muslims are gifted with mutant powers. Led by their teacher Professor Malcolm X, the mightiest telepath in the world, we follow the trials and tribulations as the gifted young Muslims learn to use their powers in the fight against "Whitey". Starring Malcolm X, Malcolm Jamal-Warner, Malcolm McDowell, and John Malkovich (X).

Malcolm American History X 101 - Malcolm X takes a position teaching American History in an urban high school. There he...um...er...shit! We ran out of ideas. Sorry.

Shows We'd Like To See : Saturday Morning Edition

The Family Values Guy - In response to the protests about the vulgarity of it's "The Family Guy", FOX premieres "The Family Values Guy". Peter is a loving father, member of the NRA, God-fearing Christian man, and avid pro-life protestor. His wife, Lois, is a homemaker who fears and respects her man. Chris and Meg are away doing missionary work in Africa helping convert the dirty heathens. Stewie has developed stigmata and has begun to show other messianic characteristics.

Boogie Nights: The Animated Series - Follow the ups and downs of a Porn-magnate as he builds his empire of sin. Delight in the decadence of twenty years in the pornography industry. Watch Amber Waves fight cocaine addiction and fight for custody of her children. Gasp in awe as Rollergirl deep throats the world. Admire the length and girth of Dirk Diggler's enormous penis. All in glorious, albeit inexpensive, chinese animation.

Fight Club: The Animated Series - We have no real idea how you could translate this film into animated format. But man, would that whip ass, eh?

Shows We'd Like To See : Reality-Based Television

Cannibal - What's more exciting than people trapped on an island? What's even more exciting than a group of pampered whiners all trapped in a house together? I'll tell you what….a bunch of pampered whiners on an island where there is no food or water for miles. The only way to survive is via cannibalism. The last man (or woman, though we doubt that) standing wins $50,000 and is free of prosecution.

Bar Fight - Fifteen contestant are forced to imbibe 10 shots of hard alcohol in 20 minutes. Then the fighting commences. Last man standing wins the cash...which will probably barely cover the medical expenses incurred.

Survivor: Eye of the Tiger - Five people are chosen to spend a month together in a compact listening booth….which plays Survivors' music 24 hours a day. The last person left alive, and sane, wins.

Survivor: Hard Time - One lucky individual is chosen to spend three months in general population of a Federal penitentiary. Watch for the shower cams. Packing will be had.

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