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Friday, August 5, 2005

Commencement Speech

I stand here today, looking out at your bright shining faces. Eager to attack the world. Itching to make your mark on history.

I'm honored, and frankly a tad puzzled that I was asked to speak to you today. But none-the-less, I will share whatever wisdom I have.

Soup is bullshit.

It’s liquid. Liquid in a bowl. That’s not a meal. To call it anything other than a beverage in a bowl is complete and utter bullshit.

Don't let anyone try and argue that some soups have potatoes and whatnot in it. I don’t care what shit you put in it, it is still predominately liquid. You put stuff in a smoothie, does that make it a meal? No, it’s a fucking beverage. Don’t let those bastards at Campbell’s con you. It isn’t a meal.

Mimes aren't funny. They aren't even talented. If you can't entertain by talking, you can't entertain.

The only people worse than mimes are those assholes standing on the street pretending to be statues. And people who like soup. They are assholes, too.

I can't think of one time that I regret telling someone to go fuck himself.

If you get the chance to have some good afternoon nookie, a telemarketer will ruin it.

If a woman laughs at your dumbass jokes, thinks you are "cute" when you do something idiotic, and doesn't mind when you get into fights...marry her.

When your friends keep asking you to do "that one funny thing", they aren't laughing with you. They are laughing at you.

I have been fired from quite a few jobs. I was right every single time. Fuck them.

I don't really have much to offer in the way of sage advice. I wish I did.

You lucky folks have degrees now. The only time I spent on a college campus involved a great deal of intoxicating beverages. And I wasn't enrolled.

I hope you all go forth and achieve the dreams you have in those tiny little heads capped by those ridiculous flat hats. And now that this is almost over, I think we can all come clean and admit that those tassels are more than a little gay. It's almost as though your heads are giant stripper breasts.

I have probably said too much.

Well, always try and remember this. You can't buy love, but you can buy two hours with a hooker.

Also, before doing something, ask yourself: "Is there a high probability this will culminate with me taking a shot to the nut-sack?" If the answer is "yes", proceed with caution.

And soup is bullshit.

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