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Friday, August 5, 2005


If you are reading this (and by "this" I mean Big Damn Funny) then you probably drink. Hell, you may very well be drunk right now.

I'm not judging you. We here at BDF love all our readers...every last one of you stinky boozehounds.

I will even let you in on a secret: there is a very good chance that I myself am drunk right now! Ah...comedy juice. That's what we in the humor industry call it. Well, that and Pain-Go-Bye-Bye Juice. I digress.

In light of this, I thought maybe we should take a short spin around the world of beer.

Budweiser - Calls itself the King of Beers. Known to the rest of us as "bland". Tastes like shit. Only for fratboys and rednecks. If you are over 25 and aren't directly blood related to your wife...it is time to put the Budweiser down.

Coors - Kind of like if Budweiser had a gay cousin that no one really talked about.

Miller Lite - What would happen if someone figured out a way to strip all the taste from Budweiser and somehow left that tangy zest of barley.

Pabst Blue Ribbon - Nothing says "Wife Beating Redneck" quite like a having a twelve of this stuff in your Dale Earnhardt cooler.

Old Milwaukee - Beer. Period. It tastes like beer.

Smirnoff Ice - This stuff makes Coors look heterosexual. Not for men. But your girlfriend will love it.

Corona - OK. This stuff is piss. Seriously. This is what Mexicans sell to Americans so they can laugh at us. Plus it has a tendency to make the bathroom duties the next morning a little interesting. Never knew you could pass neon water through your ass, didja? Mexicans don't drink this swill. They drink...

Negra Modelo - Good stuff. Truly. Try some.

Olde English 800 - Well...you paid for it...you might as well drink it.

Killian's Red - About as Irish as Queen Victoria. Tastes like something Queen Victoria may have peed in. If that is your thing, this is your beer.

Heineken - It has "heine" in the name...which should sum it up. Tastes like ass. Dutch ass.

Fosters - As if Budweiser wasn't bad enough...this tastes like some Aussies pissed in Budweiser, rebottled it, and sold it to you with a new label.

Guinness - If God Himself brewed a stout, it would be this.

Beamish - The other stout that God crafted.

That is a brief tutorial of beer. I hope you all learned a little and laughed a little. If not, keep drinking. It all becomes funnier after a few more drinks.

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