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Tuesday, August 9, 2005

An Autobiography: Mostly Untrue

My twin brother, Sean, and I were born in the autumn. February of 1976. Normally, February falls in the winter, but this year it was still autumn. At least, that is what our mother always told us.

Sean, having the unfortunate distinction of being completely imaginary, died on our fourth birthday. The funeral was beautiful, yet also largely imaginary.

Sean often spoke of his desire to be a fireman. Being primarily chimerical, he also had wings and could breathe fire. Odd that a firebreather would want to devote his career aspirations towards dowsing flames. Sean was interesting like that.

Following in his fanciful footsteps, I decided to become a doctor. But being only five and completely devoid of education, that dream died rather quickly.

After that, my career goals were few but powerful. I wanted to be Zorro for a brief period, but not having being Hispanic and having never wielded a sword, I could only take that dream so far. Next, I thought being Batman would be rather fun. Of course, having two living parents no large fortune and a house with a basement slightly less than one-sixteenth of the Batcave...my credentials were woefully lacking.

Putting those childish dreams aside, I set forth to write comedy. My progress was slowed by the fact that I didn't attain any notable degree of literacy until I was nineteen. And, I wasn't particularly funny. But that didn't stop me. No, sir.

What stopped me was that nobody was hiring me.

Still, I pressed on. Eventually, with the assistance of a friend, I built Big Damn Funny.

In between all that, I learned to eat; dress myself; finished high school; learned to drive; got laid; grew my hair long; cut my hair short; grew a beard; shaved; participated in fisticuffs once or seventeen times; purchased some tattoos; applied said tattoos; eventually got real tattoos; amongst other things.

And still I am only twenty-two. At least, that is what I tell people so my feeble accomplishments will seem greater.

Also, I have two dogs.

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