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Saturday, July 16, 2005

Film Studio Dialogue

Writer: I have a script here that I believe could be a rather large summer film. It has the potential for sequels...possibly a franchise series. Think "Franchise". Think fast-food tie-ins.

Exec 1: What is it about?

Writer: Well, it is a somewhat dark action film about a grizzled ex-cop who is forced to get back in the game to save his ex-partner. He is haunted by the hostage he failed to rescue fifteen years earlier.

Writer: I was thinking of a Clint Eastwood type for the lead role.

Exec 1: So the ex-partner is a guy? A guy trying to save another guy? Was the dead hostage a female at least? Don't you think there may be some homoerotic undertones there?

Exec 2: Make the character female. Brings in the chick audience. I'm thinking more of an ex-lover than an ex-partner.

Writer: Well...I suppose that would work. I guess I could rewrite the dialogue and a couple of key scenes to reflect that dynamic.

Exec 1: Good, good. What else happens?

Writer: This ex-cop guy...his ex-part...I mean ex-lover, gets kidnapped by the same guy who took the initial hostage he lost.

Exec 1: Who lost?

Writer: Sorry. That Frank Madigan lost. That's the Clint Eastwood type lead. Frank Madigan.

Exec 2: That name is no good. It sounds too angry. It even has the word "mad" in it. Our polling shows that people like their action stars to have more robust names. Like Rock, Steel, or something with a lot of X's in it.

Writer: Well, he is supposed to be angry he...Um...I guess we could change the name. How about something like Rock Madigan? OK...so...um....Rock now has to combat this old nemesis and rescue his ex-lover.

Exec 2: I don't like the grizzled ex-cop thing. Youth is what we want in our films. Youth wants to watch youth. We can't have some grandfather up there. Make him younger.

Exec 1: Yes. Younger. Also, people don't really identify with police officers. How about if we make him a pirate? Pirates test very high with audiences.

Writer (cautiously): Um....sure. I guess I could make our grizzled retired cop into a youthful pirate. Do I still need to call him Rock?

Exec 2: Also, I don't like the "taken hostage" angle. Too overdone. What if the ex-lover becomes a bad guy and now the pirate has to fight his evil ex-lover?

Writer: What about the previous hostage?

Exec 1: I never liked it. Gone. Get rid of it.

Writer: OK. So now we have a pirate who falls in love with a woman who later becomes evil and he has to fight her?

Exec 1: Brilliant!

Exec 2: I love it! I like the way you think.

Exec 1: Also we need a comedic element. Give the guy a talking donkey as a side kick.

Writer: You want a talking donkey aboard a pirate ship?

Exec 1: Have the script ready in a week for casting.

Monday, July 11, 2005

15 Signs That You Aren't Famous

1. When you sign autographs it is only because you are paying with a check.

2. No one cares where you went on vacation.

3. You still have to pay for whores.

4. There are no press conferences when your girlfriend dumps you.

5. When you stand next to a celebrity, people assume you are the retarded cousin.

6. You are less concerned with the paparazzi and more concerned with finding your left shoe.

7. You still cannot get laid.

8. Nobody wants to post nude photos of you on the internet.

9. When you announce that you plan to change your name to an unpronounceable symbol, everyone just calls you "dumbass" instead.

10. The only interviews you have ever given were right after turning in an application.

11. Nobody is kissing your ass.

12. When you enter rehab...no one cares.

13. Your coworkers cannot remember your name.

14. Your attempts at getting a sandwich named after you at the local diner resulted in a tuna on rye called "the dumbass".

15. Your mom keeps calling to remind you that you aren't famous and you left your fabric softener at her house again.

Friday, July 8, 2005

15 Thoughts You May Have When Death Is Imminent

1. Oh Shit.

2. Wow...that was stupid.

3. Hey...I think I saw this in a movie once.

4. I wonder if I have time to beat off?

5. Oh man...this does not bode well.

6. From now on, no more rum and coke.

7. Man...I just got a subscription to Vibe.

8. I've wasted my life.

9. Thank God for last night's Cuban ass-loving with Miguel.

10. Shit! I've got library books due tomorrow.

11. Constipation...be gone.

12. I hope Miguel knows that I love him.

13. I spent all day watching a Diff'rent Strokes marathon...now this.

14. All those hours in the gym now seem rather futile.

15. I wish I had made it past second base with a girl.

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