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Wednesday, May 11, 2011

How to Drink Beer

Beer. It is the world's oldest and most widely consumed alcoholic beverage (at least according to Wikipedia...but then, like this site, anyone can write anything over there) and some would say it is the finest alcoholic beverage.

They would be wrong (correct answer: vodka) but it is a valid opinion.

Many first time drinkers assume that drinking beer is simple. Like falling off a log or slamming your face into a wall. They are woefully mistaken.

Beer drinking is both an art and a science.

Difficulty: Easy

Things You'll Need:
Beer
This article
Some friends (optional)

Gently, but firmly, open your beer. A pleasant sound followed quickly by a distinct aroma should be wafting forth from the opening. This is beer. Love it.

At this point, many amateurs make the mistake of diving right in and taking a chug. This is frowned upon.

First, gaze down at your beer as if the answers to all of life's mysteries are captured within. Tilt your head up with a faraway gaze in your eyes. It helps to think of an ex who you still have fond feelings towards even though he/she shattered all your hopes and dreams.

Now slowly lift the beer towards your lips and pour some in your mouth. Don't chug it. Just let it hang around in your mouth for half a second to a full second before swallowing.

Release a deep and satisfied sigh.

It is sometimes recommended to utter a quiet "Yep" apropos of nothing.

When finished, grab another beer and begin the process anew.

Tips & Warnings

* Some folks like a little music when drinking. Anything that gets you in the drinking mood is fine. Stay away from anything too silly. As talented as the Beastie Boys are...drinking beer whilst blaring "Fight For Your Right" quickly marks you as a giant tool and soon all your potential drinking buddies will abandon you for greener and less tool-filled pastures.

* Many snobs will tell you that beer must be enjoyed either from a bottle or a frosty mug...never from a can. To them I say, "screw you". If God didn't want us drinking beer from cans he wouldn't have put the beer in there. Besides, if you think a can does harmful things to beer, you should want to get the beer out of there posthaste. And forthwith into your belly.

* While everyone loves a sing-along, stay away from anything that is inane (e.g. 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall) or pathetically overplayed (e.g. Piano Man).

* If you are going to open it, you better finish it. Never leave a man behind.

* After a few cold ones, everyone in the room is going to get exponentially more attractive. This can lead to the embarrassing Last-Night-I-Slept-With-A-Yeti syndrome. On the upside, there are people in the room who ordinarily wouldn't sleep with you. But now they might. Be that Yeti.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

My Initial Thoughts Upon Awakening To Discover I Have Transformed Into A Tree

What the....?

Shit.




Pictured: me

Monday, May 9, 2011

How to Draw A Stickwoman

If you have studied my earlier article entitled "How to Draw A Stickman" then you should now be fairly proficient in doodling stickmen.

But in sticks and in life, no man is an island. Therefore, your newly created stickman is probably in want of a mate.

It is now time to take your artistic training to the next level: stickwomen.

The following is a brief tutorial on mastering the art of the stickwoman.

Difficulty: Easy

Things You'll Need:
A pen or pencil
Paper, napkin, etc.
No discernible artistic ability

Draw a rough circle. This will be our stickwoman's head.

As mentioned in the earlier article, your circle need not be perfect, nor does it need to be close to perfectly round. In fact, it seems to be cooler if it isn't. Nobody likes an anally retentive artist.





Now we move on to the torso.

Draw a vertical line below the circle head.





Arms? Yeah...we need those.

Not so much weapons. Moreso the actual human appendages. This is an article about art instruction, not a debate about the Second Amendment.

Throw some arms on that torso.





Now we move on to the first stage that really differentiates drawing a stickWOMAN from a simple stickMAN.

The skirt.

Draw a triangle at the bottom of the torso.





Currently, our stickwoman (let's call her Susan, shall we?) looks kinda like a ghost just floating around up there.

Let's ground her. Give her some legs.

Magnificent artistic ability isn't warranted here. We don't need to spend hours crafting a perfect set of pipes for our lovely sticklass. Just draw two lines.





Now we move onto the second stage that differentiates drawing a stickWOMAN from a stickMAN.

The hair.

Now granted, some dudes (both stick and real) have long hair, but we are drawing a woman here so let's not get into strange arguments about fashion and lifestyle choices.

Throw some hair on Susan.





Now Susan needs a face. How else will she be able to discuss the relative merits of DeBarge over, say, Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam with our previous stickperson, Harvey.

Susan kind of has an "O-face" but try not to read anything into that. I just messed up when I was drawing her mouth. Feel free to give her a more sultry smile if it suits you.





Now we arrive at the third and most important stage that really differentiates drawing a stickWOMAN from a simple stickMAN.

Boobs.

Give Susan a set.





For all intents and purposes, your stickwoman is now complete.

That being said, how about we give her some hands? She needs to be able to clap when listening to the sweet R&B sounds of DeBarge with her new boyfriend Harvey.





Susan aspires to dance. Not ballet or even breakdancing. No, Susan wants to dance to the rhythm of the night with her paramour Harvey.

In order to forget about the worries on her mind and to better leave them all behind, Susan is gonna need some feet.



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